Dear Dr. Yael,
I listened to one of your lectures about building self-esteem in children. You told the story of Zero Mostel, who came from a frum home. His father said he would be a gurnish (amount to nothing) and that is why he called himself Zero. He ended up being a great actor. I related to the story since my parents always told me that I would amount to nothing. I am married with a beautiful family, baruch Hashem, and I work hard in my own business and bring in a lot of parnassah to our family. I have a loving husband, but even though my parents are no longer alive, their words hurt me so much and influenced my self-esteem tremendously. I wish you would repeat some of your ideas from your lecture, so that I can give it to my children to use in raising their children. I tried not to make the same mistakes that my parents made and I hope my children have a better self-esteem than me, but I want them to have these ideas so they can implement them.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
I would like to start my response to your question with a mashal:
A man is constantly chasing his cows. A friend of his asks why doesn’t he build a fence around the cows? He replies when do I have time to build a fence, I am constantly chasing my cows! Clearly the man didn’t realize that he would not have to chase his cows if he built the fence and he would ultimately save so much time. Similarly, the investment that you make when your children are young, by spending time with them, understanding their feelings and building your relationship with them is of monumental importance.
I once heard Rabbi Frand say that it’s much better to spend time with your children when they are young, because if not, you will end up spending time with them anyway, but maybe not in a good way, be it in the principal’s office, in prison, in the mental hospital, or in the drug rehab unit, chas v’shalom. Understanding and learning how to validate your child’s feelings is the foundation of one of the most important relationships in your life. This validation will help ensure that your child will be able to make decisions in the future and grow up as a confident adult. When a parent disregards their child’s feelings and/or opinions or is always talking or texting on the phone when their child is present, it makes the child feel unimportant, which leads to tremendous self-esteem issues as an adult. On the other hand, when a child’s opinion is noticed and mentioned, this helps the child develop an identity, which enables them to make decisive decisions as they get older. Giving your children positive attention also makes your children feel important and will help them build a positive sense of self.
Of all the things that we can give our children, self-esteem is the most important. I sit in the office every day talking to various people about their issues, and what I see is that the root of most problems is lack of self-confidence. When people have problems with self-worth, they have problems with friends, dating, working, and marriage. Self-esteem and a positive sense of self are the greatest gifts you can give your children! Children with high self-esteem generally feel loved and competent and can develop into happy, emotionally healthy, and productive adults. How do we build self-esteem?
- Giving your children choices, with a reasonable amount of options for their age (usually two when they’re young and a couple more as they get older), will help them feel empowered and competent. Learning to make choices when your child is young will help him/her be more successful when more challenging situations arise when he/she gets older. For example, allowing them to choose what they want for dinner or breakfast (from two options that you are okay with) or letting them choose their own outfits to buy in the store (from three outfits that you pre-picked) is a good way to start.
- Let your child do things for himself/herself. Teaching independence is crucial for children and allowing him/her to figure things out on his/her own at times is priceless. It may be faster when your kids are young to do everything for them, but by allowing them to do things on their own, you’ll give them a feeling of confidence and competency! Give little kids jobs they can accomplish and praise them lavishly for doing so! Once they get the hang of it, the independence you’re teaching them will give you more time as well and will help them as they develop into adults.
- Let your children know that no one is perfect! Allow your children to make mistakes and try not to over-react to their mistakes. They will look for your reaction when they make mistakes and learn from them. If you can teach them early on that we all make mistakes, they will learn that they do not have to be perfect and this will help them a lot in life. Most people with anxiety are perfectionists as they were likely taught, consciously or subconsciously, that they need to be perfect and weren’t allowed to make mistakes.
- Do not give insincere or fake praise to your children. Children can smell insincerity and this makes them feel small. It’s important to give your children praise, but make sure to give specific and sincere praise. For example, instead of saying you loved your child’s writing and she’s the best author ever, tell her that you really enjoyed a detail she included and that this detail highlighted her amazing writing ability. For a young child, say something like, “I love the way your picture came out. You picked such beautiful colors and drew so nicely!”
- Give your children age appropriate jobs to do. Children like to feel accomplished and helpful and age appropriate jobs will help increase their competency and problem solving skills.
- Try hard to never compare your children. Try to focus on your children’s strengths instead of comparing them to one another.
- Do not ever call your children names or belittle their feelings. If you’re feeling angry, overwhelmed, or out of sorts, take a time-out for yourself so you do not say something you will regret. You can tell a child you do not like what he/she did, but never tell your children you dislike them!
- Make a point to try to spend one-on-one time with your children. This time is invaluable and will help your child feel special. This doesn’t have to be a large chunk of time, but making small “dates” with your kids can be an invaluable time to hear about what is going on with them and in their lives.
If you feel that your parents’ voices are taking up too much space in your brain, please seek professional help. You already sound like you are on the right track, but you should not have to live in pain or feel badly about yourself! Hatzlacha with your grandchildren and kudos to you for recognizing an issue and trying to raise the next generation differently!
