Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing to you about a problem that I have every Pesach. I am already a very young great-grandmother, and I have an older sister who is an amazing person. We are both happily married and share a loving close relationship. She also has a beautiful family and even more great-grandchildren than I do. So, it sounds perfect. What could be wrong? As I am writing this, people are probably thinking what on earth could this lady be complaining about?
I am not complaining. I know that Hashem gave me many brachos. I just want to tell you my story and see if you have any solutions for me.
To share a little background, we are two girls who were brought up with parents who were sole survivors of their very large families in the Holocaust. We don’t know much about their experiences since they never wanted to talk about them and unfortunately they are no longer alive.
My sister really raised me. Our house was not a happy house. My mother and father tried very hard to be great parents, but they really survived Gehennom and it affected them. They both had numbers tattooed on their arms. My house was run with great efficiency. Dinner was always delicious and ready on time. Although both our parents worked, they were both very organized and they worked very hard to give us everything that they could give us.
Even though my parents tried so hard to be amazing parent, my sister just understood me better. Our parents married when they were older in the DP camp and my mother was a few years older than my father. All this was irrelevant to them. They had a simple wedding at the DP camp and somehow there was some kind of simple meal. My mother always spoke about her badeken. To my parents their wedding and actually bearing two children was a miracle. There was nothing they did not do to make sure we had what we needed, but emotionally they could not be there for us the way we needed them to.
My sister understood that I was a regular Bais Yaakov girl, who wanted to be normal. So, she babysat and bought me all the “silly” things I wanted because my classmates had them. My sister is an amazing person and tried to fill all of those emotional gaps for me.
While my sister’s husband earns a decent living and they live nicely, my husband was zoche to become an ashir. However being an ashir is truly a nisayon. When I say this, people laugh and say I want that nisayon. I could go on and on, but I want to get to the point. We are very generous to my sister. We give her married children, who are struggling, money and she always tells everyone how blessed she is to have me as a sister. We also sometimes buy my sister huge gifts that she would never fargin herself to buy. She could afford these things, but being that she is a very practical person, my sister and brother-in-law would just not fargin themselves anything that wasn’t necessary. So, my love for my sister is very deep and I want her to learn to enjoy her life, not just work.
So here is my problem. My wonderful, amazing sister becomes a different person before Pesach. I already know the routine. The day after Purim it starts. She says things like, “I have got to start Pesach cleaning and cooking my food in the Pesach kitchen. I guess you don’t understand because somehow you never made Pesach.”
When we were a young couple, we went to our parents and then for years we all went to my sister and I felt so guilty since she worked so hard. We would hire extra cleaning help, but she always tried not to take too much help because she did not want to bother us.
As our family grew and my husband became wealthier, we decided to go away with everyone. It was a great decision for us since my sister was very tense and a perfectionist. However, to be honest, she really did a lot. We bought most of the food, but a lot of the work still fell on her somehow. However, it got to a point that we just had to stop going. The kids were getting older and we decided to go to a hotel.
One year I decided that I really should repay my sister for all that she has done for me all my life. So we decided to take her and her whole family along with us to a hotel for Pesach. I was sure she would be thrilled. However she said “No thank you. Please don’t badger me to come.” At first, I thought that she felt bad spending our money. I told her that I could never repay her. She saved my spiritual and emotional life. However, soon I realized that it is a deeper problem. The problem is that she is my older sister, and that I, being five years younger, have a life that is financially more successful than hers.
I truly love my sister. I know that people say sibling rivalry is the oldest problem in the world. Look at Adam and Chava. They had Kayin and Hevel and due to Kayin’s intense jealousy he killed Hevel. Can you imagine actually murdering your own brother, your own flesh and blood? However, everything we learn from our precious Torah is to teach us how deep issues are and how human nature really does not change. Maybe I sound dramatic and I know that my sister would never think of hurting me. My sister truly loves me and our children and even our grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We understand the feeling of being a sole survivor.
Why is my sister, who is so amazing and literally saved my life, jealous of me? I adore her. She is like a surrogate mother since our mother was somewhat depressed (who wouldn’t be depressed after losing their entire family and being a sole survivor). I wish I could repay my sister for all that she did for me without making her feel uncomfortable. Please give me ideas on how to deal with this situation with my sister, whom I adore.
A Loving Sister
Dear Loving Sister,
I hear your pain and I understand the deep love you have for your sister and how incomprehensible it is to you for her to be jealous of you. Generally mothers are not jealous of their children. They want their children to be more successful than they are. However, she is not your mother. She is an older sister. In her mind, she should have been the one taking care of you financially, not the reverse. These feelings your sister has are likely not conscious feelings.
I don’t know you or your sister, however, I think the underlying issue here is that she was parentified at a young age. This means that your sister was forced to become your parent, and probably your parents’ parent, and therefore was robbed of her own childhood. When one sibling is parentified, they often take on responsibilities and emotional burdens that are way beyond what is expected at their age. Generally the non-parentified sibling will have a more carefree childhood and this disparity can create some jealousy and even resentment at times. For example, you mentioned that your sister babysat, and with the little money she earned, she bought you the things that your parents either could not afford or thought were a waste of money. If you think about this deeper, your sister never had anyone do that for her and maybe even didn’t buy things her friend had because she wanted to make sure you had what you wanted/needed. Parentified children also sometimes struggle with emotional regulation and boundary setting in adulthood leading to difficulties in managing their feelings of jealousy. You do not have to bring up the idea of jealousy, but honest and calm conversations between siblings can help address underlying feelings. I don’t know how you will feel about my suggestion, however, a really good professional psychotherapist may be able to bring the issues to the forefront and help you build a healthier sibling relationship. Hatzlacha!
