Dear Dating Coach,
I know someone recently wrote to another publication about his dating experience. He got a lot of flak about what he wrote. People thought he was being glib and arrogant about dating and maybe he was, but I also understand him. I have been dating for almost a year. Without sounding terrible, I get a lot of dating suggestions and go out pretty often (after my parents’ extensive research and high-level criteria). I guess I would be considered an in-demand guy, but I know that ALL my friends get way more dates than my older sister did when she was dating. I am pretty confident that I will eventually meet the right girl and get married. I just feel like the whole thing has gotten stale. One date bleeds into the next, and it’s hard to feel excited about a new girl. It just seems like more of the same. I know that they are all special and put a lot of thought into dating. I don’t want to feel this way, and my parents are concerned that I am becoming complacent or jaded. Any advice to inject some of that “fresh dating vibe” into what has become monotonous?
Same Date Different Time
Dear Same,
The Panthers are winning here in Florida and we are EXCITED. Or, actually, lots of other people are excited, and I am not exactly sure what they are up to. Sure, I know there are players and hockey sticks and pucks. I know that they skate really well, and the goal is to get the puck into the net. (Go me!) Yet, the energy that the fans bring to every game is beyond me. They just skate and skate and skate and skate and skate and skate and skate… you get the point. There is a lot of skating. It just more of the same… again and again.
It’s Like De Ja Vu, All Over Again
Thank you for reaching out. I’m sure you are a wonderful guy, and clearly, you are not to blame for the uneven balance of our dating system where girls seem to be the underdogs. You want to date right, but there is a limit on the excitement you can conjure when every date feels so similar. There are however three things you can try to become the MVP of dating.
MVP=Mindfulness, Variety, Present.
Mindfulness: Date with intention and focus. Before every new date, take the time to center yourself. Learn about the girl you will go out with, and why your parents believe she might be a good match for you. Lean into the new experience and concentrate on the special qualities and unique characteristics that she has. Allow your heart to engage in the process so you can be fully motivated before every new date.
Variety: Sure, we all know that there are “dating spots” that guys suggest to one another, or places that are comfortable for you take your date to. Maybe you know what to expect there, what to order, where to park, or are familiar with the driving directions. But going to the same “first date” spot or to the same second or third date venue again and again eliminates some of the sparkle of your new date. “Same place, different girl” can become monotonous and boring. It makes a date feel like you are just going through the motions. Instead, be creative and plan fresh dates for the girl you will be dating. Experience a new place together and your dates will feel more exciting.
Present: Be fully present on every date. This is vital when dating. Don’t pull out your same stories and jokes that you rely on to manage the date. Be in it. Fully and completely. Listen to your date and respond in kind. Do not come to your date with a ready script, however charming. Your determination to be totally present on your dates will change the entire scope of your experience.
Add some MVP to your future dates and dating someone new will feel “new,” well, because it is.
