Dear Dating Coach,
We have a 19-year-old son who is very mature and wants to start dating. We live in a frum community where the boys do not typically start dating until they are at least 21 or older (usually 23, 24). A boy dating at 19 is definitely not the norm for us, but I was wondering what you thought. Should we start the shidduch process or is it just too early?
Dating Jr.
Dear Jr.,
My very clever preschooler insisted on going to the grocery store with me to buy ingredients for Shabbos. I was so touched. I usually race through the aisles alone grabbing what I need, and the thought of company made me happy. We drove to the store and talked about “the list” the entire way. We arrived and grabbed a cart and maneuvered our way into the store. Yet we were barely past the threshold when my generous, loving, and thoughtful darling pipes up, “Chocolate bars first!”
Say what?! What happened to chicken? Fish? Nope. That sweetheart had an agenda the entire time, and my Shabbos list definitely wasn’t it.
I Went Grocery Shopping…
Thank you for your letter. First, it is lovely to hear that your son is mature and focused on moving forward. It is commendable that he is interested in undertaking this beautiful goal and we don’t want to negate that. It is important, however, to make sure that you have an open discussion with your son to make sure that he is interested in dating for the right reasons and is prepared for the responsibility that it entails.
On An Empty Stomach…
This age has just seen a graduation from a high school or yeshiva, and there are some that are not interested in continuing in the system. Maybe they don’t want to sit in a yeshiva for 12 hours a day, or maybe they don’t want to go out of town for a new yeshiva. They feel that they have put in their time and they are done.
This might propel some to consider marriage as an alternative to the typical next steps. There are also boys who might simply be interested in a “kosher” relationship, and in your circle that would mean marriage. To him, getting married could be an acceptable solution for the relationship that he feels ready for.
I Am Now the Proud Owner of Aisle Four.
While marriage is holy and beautiful, it is also a huge responsibility. It is a parents’ duty to make sure that their child is physically, emotionally, and mentally prepared for this lifetime commitment. If you are positive that your son has experienced the self-growth that he needs to enter this chapter, then you can consider marriage as an option for him. Reach out to shadchanim and know in your heart that your son is ready, and that there are other communities where marriage at 19 is the norm. But if you believe that your son might be looking toward marriage as a means to an end or an alternative to the expected track, then it is time to talk to him.
There are always other paths that you can create and navigate together. Marriage is forever, and your boy must be a man to take on, “forever.”
