Dear Dating Coach,
I went to seminary and became very inspired by the learning and atmosphere. I want to marry a boy that reflects my new sense of frumkeit, but my family thinks I’m nuts! How do I convince them that I’m not stuck in some bubble and that this is the NEW me?
Popped Bubble
Dear Bubble,
When I was a kid, I desperately wanted a dog. I yearned for one as only a twelve-year-old can. I begged, I pleaded, and I offered convincing (read: guilt-inducing) arguments as to why my whole life would forever be improved with a dog at my side. One day, I presented my parents with a professional (handwritten on scented paper) contract. Not to bore you with the legal jargon (I wrote in script!) but the contract basically requested a puppy on my thirteenth birthday with the promise that I would be responsible for its care. I would walk the dog, feed the dog, clean up after the dog, and bathe the dog. My parents (in a stroke of genius) signed the contract. I was elated and began to count down the days and weeks until I would become thirteen. But then one day I forgot to mark my calendar, and then I forgot again. Needless to say, on my thirteenth birthday I realized that my life depended on rollerblades instead – my dream puppy long forgotten.
The Bubble
Seminary and yeshiva can be a wonderful growing experience. The learning and atmosphere are designed to fill you with inspiration and information for when life doesn’t allow for that same immersive study schedule. In some way every student comes home a bit changed – hopefully improved, and ready to tackle a new and exciting time in life. Sometimes that change is more significant, more obvious to our family and friends – perhaps in the way we dress, speak, or in a newfound commitment to Torah study. This can make parents wonder, is this a real change, or is my child only waiting for gravity to do its work?
Expand the Bubble
Instead of arguing with your parents over black hats and shirt colors, chose instead to listen and talk with calm and rational. If you have sincerely changed, then simply project that change. Show them that you are authentic and committed and then live that transformation every day. Walk the dog, feed the dog, clean up after the dog, and bathe the dog (metaphor!). Show everyone around you that you are dedicated, genuine, and faithful to the improvements you have made. Give yourself and those who are doubtful an extended period of time to see if the inspiration you brought home can translate into a sustainable and realistic way of life. A few months without your teachers, without weekly lectures, and without the spirit of seminary to carry you through – just your personal conviction and what you believe is right. (If months pass though, and you do settle back into your pre-seminary life then you will have an answer as well.)
Pop the Bubble
If after a period of time however, your commitment still holds true, then sit with your family and respectfully discuss your future. Your behavior over that time will have showcased your continued desire to marry a specific type of guy and ask them to accept this positive change. If we are lucky, life becomes so busy – filled with family obligations, work, community events, and the daily challenges we face regularly. We are not always blessed with the time to invite Torah inspiration in. Marrying someone who may be a hint more “frum” can propel us to imbue our homes with G-dliness when we feel lax. I believe that life can forever be compared to an escalator going down. If you stand in place, you will be driven downward – instead you must always keep pushing to move upward toward improvement and growth. So, if your choices still seem clear to you, then look for a zivug whose priorities match yours and the bubble that you have accepted and popped!
