Dear Dating Coach,
I am so over every shadchan! I am done with everyone who keeps trying to set me up! They pretend they are well-meaning and only care about my best interest and then they suggest people that are totally insulting. Men that are way older than me or from backgrounds that totally don’t make sense. Men that do not have good jobs or a stable source of income. Men that have so much baggage they need a wagon to carry it all, and men that totally don’t care about their appearances! And when I say no – because, I may be old, but I am not pathetic – they get upset with me! They say I am “limiting myself” and that I am “too judgmental” and I need to give everyone a chance. They get mad at me! I should be mad at them! Why would I go out with someone who clearly is not for me?! I have waited so long for the right guy, I am not going to settle for Mr. No Way. Not going to happen. What am I missing here? How do I tell them it’s never going to happen without making them angry?
Still A Catch
Dear Catch,
When I was little, a fair would come to our city and I would wait excitedly to go. The rides were pretty simple and the prize was always a goldfish you could take home. One of my favorites was a trailer filled with funhouse mirrors. I loved standing in front of each mirror watching myself change from tall to short, wide to narrow, with my features in all the wrong places. As I made my way from one mirror to the next, I morphed into something that I didn’t totally recognize. It was still me, distorted, yet familiar.
Starve Your Ego, Feed Your Soul
You are frustrated. You work hard on yourself so that you can be proud of your value. You are upset by the standard of men that are suggested to you as you feel that they are beneath you and what you deserve. They don’t work hard. They don’t look good. They don’t come from the right places. They have baggage you don’t want to carry. They are clearly not right for you.
This may very well be true. Maybe the guys suggested to you are all pathetic losers. Maybe every single one sits at home in his parents’ basement playing video games hooked to Wi-Fi he doesn’t pay for, refusing to shower, ignoring the calls of his children on his prepaid phone so he can forego child support. It’s possible, sure. But probably not. More likely, the shadchanim and your family and friends are making valuable suggestions that your ego refuses to consider. Statistically, the men suggested to you likely do their best to succeed in a complicated world, but their efforts do not conform with your standards. Perhaps they work, but are not professionals, and maybe they grew up going to the wrong schools, and it’s possible they have a past that has left some scars, but they are not Mr. No Way. They are ALL hoping for a happy future, no different than you. Maybe they are not all right for you. Maybe its not even a good idea for you to date many of them. But certainly, some of them are worthy of a coffee with you, or an hour of your time to see if you connect. A successful shidduch has a formidable foe; its name is EGO.
Look in the mirror. Love what you see, but do not become haughty. Look to connect to a soul made for yours, rather than a resume that wasn’t written by ChatGPT. You may be surprised by the new image that you see.
