Dear Dating Coach,
I have been dating for four years and I have not yet met my bashert. I am not sure why I haven’t found the right guy but I am sure that I need to make a change. I just don’t know where to start. I feel like I present well, I am finishing school, I have a fulfilling job, and I do my best to be a good person. I need to make a change because clearly, I am not getting the result I had hoped for. I’m just not sure what that change is. Any guidance you have would be appreciated.
Dating Time
Dear Time,
I used to wear a watch, but when it was very quiet, I could hear the clock passing time with “tick tock, tick, tock, tick, tock.” The ticking became louder and louder (It didn’t. The sound decibel remained exactly the same) until it was so unbearable that I threw the watch into the ocean (Ok. I just put it in a drawer) where it was swallowed by a whale (too far?) and it took months (a few minutes) for me to stop hearing that awful ticking sound in my dreams. Minus the small exaggeration, you can understand that the ticking was upsetting for all who heard it (me; just me).
Thank you for your letter.
Often, those who have dated for an extended period of time will encourage themselves with “time.” Like, “You just haven’t met him yet. You need more time.” Or, “Everything in the right time, you need to be patient.” And while there are truths to both, it is important that a single who has dated for a few years takes the time to self-reflect on their responsibility and their willingness to make changes in order to meet that special someone. Sure, we can throw up our hands and keep on keeping on, or we can diligently and determinedly focus on self-improvement with humility so we proactively work toward building the future we dream of.
To do this you need to…Get out of the M.U.D.
Matchmakers
Reach out to any official shadchan that has been helping you, as well as the unofficial ones like family and friends who have been working hard to connect you to the right guys. Ask them for their honest feedback and their recommendations for improvement, change, the direction you have taken thus far. Listen to what they have to say and do your best to implement their suggestions.
Update
Take the time to make updates where they are needed. Perhaps on the surface with how you dress or with your appearance. Maybe your resume needs to be updated, or you need to reevaluate your living situation, your job, or your overall emotional health. Reflect on your friendships, your broader circle, and take note of anything that might be holding you back. Then update any area that can benefit.
Daven
Strengthen your relationship with Hashem. Daven, connect, and bolster your emunah. Ask Hashem for what you want, ask for the strength and the wisdom to recognize what is right for you, and make sure your connection is real and sure.
Don’t rely on Father Time, he will just keep on ticking. Instead, accept and embrace the willingness to do everything you can to find the right person for you.
