For the highs and lows
and moments between,
mountains and valleys,
and rivers and streams.
For where you are now
and where you will go.
For “I’ve always known”
and “I told you so.”
For “nothing is happening,”
and “all has gone wrong,”
it is here in this journey
you will learn to be strong
you will get where you are going,
landing where you belong.
– Morgan Harper Nichols
Teenagers are notorious for their mood swings and out of control emotions, including anger. Let’s look at the origin of these emotions. First, adolescents are going through a lot of physical changes. Second, for years, they have lived happily in the cocoon of their family and now suddenly they are gaining freedom and options outside of the home.
These two issues, physical changes and new independence, create a lot of confusion and angst in adolescents. They experience a real push and pull – if they grow as an individual, does that mean they are not going to fit into their family structure anymore? These conflicting emotions trigger painful emotions and often lead to adolescent anger.
At its heart, this anger is positive. It means that the teenager is growing into his or her own person and developing an identity that is separate from his or her parents. The American Counseling Association explains that it is how this anger is controlled or expressed that makes all the difference, “the problem is not anger, but that individuals frequently do not know how to manage anger.”
When you are angry, the natural reaction is to respond aggressively. Anger is a natural response to threats and it allows us to fight and defend ourselves when we feel attacked. Therefore, a certain amount of anger is necessary for our survival. Alternatively, we cannot simply act out each time something irritates or annoys us.
The American Psychological Association explains that people use a variety of conscious and unconscious approaches to deal with angry feelings. Two of the main ways that people handle anger are expressing and suppressing. Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive (but not aggressive) manner is the healthiest way to approach anger. Being assertive means being respectful of others while still making sure that your own needs are met.
Unexpressed anger can lead to other problems, such as feeling perpetually hostile and cynical. If people are not able to constructively express their anger, they might end up putting others down, criticizing everything, and making pessimistic comments. Not surprisingly, people do not express their anger are not likely to have many successful relationships.
Anger is not an inherently bad emotion. Rather, it is how we deal with anger that makes all the difference. Below are some tips on how to control your anger in turn it into something positive:
- Maintain perspective: Separate the true grievances from the petty annoyances. Take a moment to think about whether what’s angering you is truly terrible or whether it is simply a passing irritation. This will give you the ability to better deal with the “big” stuff when it comes along.
- Time management: Stress definitely contributes to anger. When you are in a rush, you feel like your friends, parents, or siblings are slowing you down and you just have to get away from them. A great way to avoid these feelings is to manage your time effectively. Try not to leave big assignments or studying to the night before they are due. Being sleep-deprived will only make you more likely to snap at those around you.
- Redirect anger: It’s possible to get angry at a parent or sibling because of another issue that occurred earlier in the day with friend or teacher. It often helps to take a step back and ask yourself, “Why am I really angry?” Then, you can redirect your feelings towards the appropriate source.
- Avoid triggers: Everyone has pet peeves, or actions that make them particularly frustrated. If you know that it bothers you when your sister constantly asks you to borrow your shirt, prepare yourself before you interact with her. Rehearse your answer (whether you decide to say “yes” or “no”) in order to calmly be able to handle the situation.
- Talk it out: Calmly speaking to others is a great way to work through your anger. When not in the heat of the moment, it might help to talk to your friends about what is frustrating you. Also, consider whether your parents would be receptive to speaking with you. If so, ask them when a good time to sit down and talk would be. Setting aside time for your relationship will strengthen your ties with your parents and ultimately smooth out the bumps in your relationship.
