“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly” – Robert F. Kennedy
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work” – Thomas A. Edison
“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm” – Winston Churchill
Robert F. Kennedy, Thomas Edison, and Winston Churchill, three men who changed the history of the 20th century, had something very important to say about failure. Failure, they say, is part of the process of success. In other words, without failure, you cannot eventually succeed. In her book, The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed, Jessica Lahey writes about the significance of failure in children’s lives. She explains that early failure and its consequences help children develop a toolbox of skills to gain autonomy and competence for later in life.
Paul Tough, in his book How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, clearly outlines what those skills are. He believes that the best way to get ahead in life is to build character. And, how is character built? According to Tough, by encountering and overcoming failure. And, that is what children need to continue succeeding in the classroom and beyond.
Persistence. Persistence is about knowing what you want and not stopping until you get it. Remember Watty Piper’s The Little Engine that Could? While the little blue engine is the smallest, it is the only one who agrees to help the dolls and toys over the mountain. Though it is unclear whether such a small engine can succeed, the engine repeats to itself, “I think I can. I think I can,” and eventually makes it to the other side of the mountain.
It is just this persistence or perseverance that we need to teach our children. When struggling, we need to push ourselves to reach our goal. Like all non-cognitive skills, persistence cannot be taught through a worksheet. As parents, we can be role models for our children and teach them that when things are tough, they still need to keep trying. Setting our own goals (whether they are fitness, educational, or personal goals) and then sharing our triumphs and failures with our children will teach them that it is okay to fail and then keep on working towards a goal. Parents and educators need to model persistence and encourage second, third, and twentieth tries.
Grit. Grit goes hand in hand with persistence. Children who fail and then pull themselves up and start again are exhibiting grit. They know that though it is painful and their knees are scraped, they can try again. Without grit, there is no persistence – and every failure is final.
Self control. A famous study in the 1960s, often dubbed the “Marshmallow study” tested children on their self-control. Very young children were handed a marshmallow and told that they could get a second one if they waited until the researcher came back in the room in order to eat the first. Some children ate the first right away and did not receive a second, but others sang or talked to themselves in order to avoid eating the marshmallow. Eventually, when the researcher returned, those children received a second marshmallow. The researchers then followed those children for the next several decades.
What they found astounded them. Those children who had managed to control themselves in order to get the second marshmallow had more successful marriages, careers, and lives in general. The ability to control themselves and delay gratification ended up allowing them to set goals and achieve them even if it meant waiting a bit along the way. Helping children set goals and then working with them to achieve them is an excellent way to develop self-control.
Curiosity. Curiosity is about asking questions and wanting to know how the world works. The truth is that you cannot “teach” curiosity. You can, however, model curiosity when your children are little – asking your own questions and working with him (or her) to look them up. You can also answer his questions, regardless of how silly or frequent they are. These questions will get longer and more important and as time goes on he will develop skills to answer them himself.
Self–confidence. Self-confidence is about believing in yourself. In order to take risks, fail, and continue again, you need to be confident that you are strong and capable. Part of self-confidence comes from success – and part of it comes from overcoming failure. As parents and educators, we have to let children fail when they deserve to in order to help them learn to overcome that failure.
Parent-Teacher Partnership
Jessica Lahey adds another layer to Tough’s discussion of failure. She explains that as parents have gotten more involved in their children’s education and school systems, they have tried to prevent their children from failing. This lack of partnership between teachers and parents, Lahey argues, is hurting students and their futures. She writes:
What has been lost, first and foremost, is the trust we must have in each other to help children through their mistakes and emerge with an education. Kids need the space to fail, and teachers need the time and benefit of the doubt to let that failure play out in the form of learning… When parents step in to defend a child’s poor choice or mistake or failure in order to avoid the “consequence” of that action or performance, they tend to lose sight of the face that if the student does not have the experience of making mistakes and living and learning with the consequences of that mistake or failure, college may be a very difficult experience thousands of miles away from the security of Mum and Dad when he eventually has to deal with an experience on his own. Mistakes are opportunities to grow. Failures or unsuccessful attempts are the same, and students need to live through those experiences to develop a toolbox of coping mechanisms to life them and move them forward.
Lahey believes that parents should show teachers and children that they are partnered with the teachers. And, they should allow students the space to fail, and teachers the space to fail the students. Below are some of the ways she advises parents to show their partnership rather than opposition:
Show up with an attitude of optimism and trust.
Read the school’s attendance policy and follow it
Be friendly and polite
Project an attitude of respect for education
Make sure your first communication with a teacher is positive
Invite teacher feedback
Pause before emailing a teacher about a “crisis”
Let teachers know about big events unfolding at home
Find opportunities to express gratitude
The greatest gift you can give your kids? Lahey and Tough would both argue you should give them the gift of failure. Trust me, they’ll thank you later.
Register now for a anger management workshop by Dr. Ross Greene on November 14, 2017. Please call 718-382-5437 for more information.