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September 30, 2016 / 27 Elul, 5776
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4th of July – Gut Yom Tov!

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The hypocrisy of the liberal Jews is amazing. They allow themselves to say whatever they want, but when an Orthodox Jew says what he wants, that’s suddenly against the rules. Yesterday, in what smacks of a Middle Age witch hunt and blood libel, I was ridiculed and attacked by two supposedly liberal Jewish bloggers, one who pictures himself as a bear, and the other as a dog, two non-kosher animals. They published snips and scraps of things I have written over the past several years, as if I were on trial in Russia. I didn’t know I had such devoted readers, who carefully documented my every word and kept them on file. Maybe they work for the Israeli Shabak or the FBI? This is all the more interesting since their attack on me falls on the Fourth of July, which for them is a cherished holy day, honoring the American principles of equality, pluralism, and freedom of speech, which obviously don’t apply to “idiot lunatic Zionists” like me who disagree with their leftist, anti-Torah opinions.

Ignoring the fact that my writing style often employs humor and exaggeration to make my points heard, they quoted things I have written, as if they were words carved in granite at The New York Times. One of the things they don’t seem to like, or agree with, is a blog which included a humorous (not to them) somewhat tongue-and-cheek list of government policies that I would initiate if I were the Prime Minister of Israel. I think what really bothers them, and their fellow liberal groupies, is that, deep inside, they know that the religious will one day be the majority in Israel, and that many things are going to change, in opposition to their more “enlightened values.” Since several of their readers asked if I really support these “outrageous” propositions, here is the platform they quoted with some explanatory comments. One thing I failed to mention is that I would immediately work toward establishing the Torah as the Law of the Land, with the reinstitution of the Sanhedrin and Supreme Court of Torah Sages.

My Platform as Israel’s Prime Minister:

*All Arabs must leave the Land of Israel. (Except for Arabs who are willing to sign a document agreeing that they recognize the sovereignty of the Israel over Eretz Yisrael, and that they will not rebel or act violently against the government and People of Israel – they will be allowed to live outside of the boundaries of Jerusalem.)

*Any Israeli politician who voted in favor of Oslo or the Hitnatkut Disengagement from Gush Katif, or who promotes the Road Map Plan, or the Two-State Solution, will be brought to trial as a national traitor. (The Supreme Court of Torah Sages will judge the case according to Torah law and hand down the verdict.)

*Relations with the United States shall be suspended until Jonathan Pollard is freed. (The poor Jew has been imprisoned for almost 30 years, in comparison to spies for other allied nations, who were set free after 3 or 4 years.)

*All atomic facilities in Iran will be immediately destroyed.

*Any missile launching on Israel will be met with a devastating retaliatory attack. (Obviously.)

*Anyone who propagates leftist propaganda will be deported from the country. (This is a gray area which will be judged by the Supreme Court of Torah Sages. Certainly anyone who writes against the Torah will be deported.)

*All missionaries will be tried in court for kidnapping and murder, and crucified on the Mount of Olives. (This was an obvious joke. Jews do not crucify as a means of capital punishment. The missionaries will be tried by the Supreme Court of Torah Sages according to Torah law.)

*TV and radio will be shut down on Shabbat. Driving on Shabbat will result in license suspension.

*Women who dress immodestly will be fined. Repeated offenders will be imprisoned. (Since this bothered some readers, as I have written in the past, these measures will only begin to be enforced after a year-long national educational campaign about the dangers of immodesty. Similar fines and terms of imprisonment will be given to drivers who break traffic laws. In regard to rapists, they will be imprisoned. Repeat offenders will be castrated like dogs.)

*All non-medical or psychologically-dictated abortions will be forbidden.

*No women will serve in the army.

*All secular newspapers will be shut down. (Not necessarily. A sports newspaper or economic journal or political newsletter will be permitted. Newspapers who write against the Torah will be closed.)

*Israeli television will be run by a board of Orthodox Rabbis, and Arutz7 and The Jewish Press will be the only authorized Internet news services.

*All computers will be equipped with anti-pornography filters under penalty of large fines.

*Teacher’s salaries will be doubled. (No. They will be increased four times their present rate.)

*Massive funds will be allotted to promote aliyah, and all Jews who refuse to immigrate to Israel within three years will forever forfeit their right of return. (Extensions may be granted in exceptional cases where the need is genuine, based on a Board of Aliyah Rabbis.)

*Haredim will donate the funds to rebuild Gush Katif, and they will do all of the hard labor needed or face imprisonment. (This is because, with certain exceptions like Chabad, and Rabbi Porush, the Haredi parties sat silently by while fellow Jews were thrown out of their homes and stripped of their livelihoods. Members of the Knesset who voted in favor of the Disengagement, if convicted, will receive daily, work passes from prison to join them in the work.)

Any questions?

I don’t understand what caused the big fuss.

Tzvi Fishman

About the Author: Tzvi Fishman was awarded the Israel Ministry of Education Prize for Creativity and Jewish Culture for his novel "Tevye in the Promised Land." A wide selection of his books are available at Amazon. His recent movie "Stories of Rebbe Nachman" The DVD of the movie is available online.

The author's opinion does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Jewish Press.

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Tzvi Fishman, author of the Jewish Press blog Felafel on Rye and author of more than a dozen books.
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