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April 23, 2014 / 23 Nisan, 5774
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4th of July – Gut Yom Tov!

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*All non-medical or psychologically-dictated abortions will be forbidden.

*No women will serve in the army.

*All secular newspapers will be shut down. (Not necessarily. A sports newspaper or economic journal or political newsletter will be permitted. Newspapers who write against the Torah will be closed.)

*Israeli television will be run by a board of Orthodox Rabbis, and Arutz7 and The Jewish Press will be the only authorized Internet news services.

*All computers will be equipped with anti-pornography filters under penalty of large fines.

*Teacher’s salaries will be doubled. (No. They will be increased four times their present rate.)

*Massive funds will be allotted to promote aliyah, and all Jews who refuse to immigrate to Israel within three years will forever forfeit their right of return. (Extensions may be granted in exceptional cases where the need is genuine, based on a Board of Aliyah Rabbis.)

*Haredim will donate the funds to rebuild Gush Katif, and they will do all of the hard labor needed or face imprisonment. (This is because, with certain exceptions like Chabad, and Rabbi Porush, the Haredi parties sat silently by while fellow Jews were thrown out of their homes and stripped of their livelihoods. Members of the Knesset who voted in favor of the Disengagement, if convicted, will receive daily, work passes from prison to join them in the work.)

Any questions?

I don’t understand what caused the big fuss.

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About the Author: Tzvi Fishman was awarded the Israel Ministry of Education Prize for Creativity and Jewish Culture for his novel "Tevye in the Promised Land." For the past several years, he has written a popular and controversial blog at Arutz 7. A wide selection of his books are available at Amazon. The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of The Jewish Press


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34 Responses to “4th of July – Gut Yom Tov!”

  1. Liad Bar-el says:

    One of the leftist who attacked you claims to study in a Yeshiva. No doubt his Yeshiva is a think tank for the New York Times.

    Say what you will, Dovbear, but you have not and will not stop Tzvi’s efforts to help others. The only ones that I see you helping are the Muslim Brotherhood with their cadre of Kapos.

    Your books, Tzvi, have helped me come closer to HaShem of which I am very grateful. Keep up the good work!

  2. Joel Weltman says:

    you got my vote.

  3. Tzvi Fishman says:

    Thanks Liad and Joel for your support!

  4. Linda Fuchs Versil says:

    I agree with eveerything you say. I really wish you were prime minister.

  5. Yup! Telling it like it is!

  6. Dov Bear on the Parsha book is an irreverent look at the weekly reading. The Sidra Achra feeding off that which is Holy so as to keep alive. As long as Tzvi and others in The Press teach Torah, Dov Bear will be back for another “feeding”.

    You got my vote too Tzvi.

  7. lol nice job. I especially like the prison passes for the criminals to do hard labor rebuilding what they destroyed.

  8. David Ilan says:

    You're a moron.

  9. Muriel Coudurier-Curveur says:

    Dear Sir, I am a liberal, but I am also a Jew and an ardent Zionist. The only thing on which I wish to argue with you is your modesty rules. What are they going to be based upon? The way we women dressed when we followed Moses into the desert, the way we dressed under king David, or the way the Jewish women dressed in Northern and Eastern Europe in the 18th century?
    I'd have no trouble with the biblical fashion (which incidentally would return to me the right to wear tsitsit and a talit) but, as a Mediterranean woman (Sefardi), I am utterly opposed to disguise myself into a wigged babushka, or impose on my sons to wear the corpse of a treif animal as a hat.

  10. Muriel Coudurier-Curveur says:

    In addition, I do think that Haredi men need to strengthen their resistance to temptation. Not only are they disproportionally represented among the sexual abusers, but -based on the interview of a Bet Shemesh Haredi man- they consider normal to find an 8 years old girl sexually enticing. I suggest that all children, up to 13, be dressed as immodestly as possible in order to drive home the notion that a child should never be sexually molested or even desired by a grown adult.

  11. Liad Bar-el says:

    David, what you have just done with this statement of lashon harah toward Tzvi is that you have given him all the merits of the good deeds you have done in your life unless of course you apologize to him.

  12. David Ilan says:

    He wasn't embarrassed. he made an idiotic public statement and I replied to it. In fact he thrives on responses like that.

  13. Jill Sevelow says:

    As a Conservative Jew and ardent Zionist, I pray for the state of Israel then. May it never lose its democratic core principles, may it embrace Jews of all denominations, and may it continually evolve with like-minded, fair people. I would be ashamed of your laws taking over our pluralistic country.

  14. Yori Yanover says:

    Tzvi, kidding aside, your dream state is my nightmare. I cannot imagine a less capable entity than a bunch of rabbis to run a country. And i can't imagine a more terrifying situation than one in which Arutz 7 becomes a cultural arbiter. I worked for them, I know.

    In fact, I pray that absolutely everything you wrote here is a marvelous joke at the expense of knownothing right wing blowhards, otherwise it's something you can usually fix with Thorazine.

    We could go item by item if you want, we could tape it, too and post on You Tube…

  15. Tzvi Fishman says:

    Like it or not, my friend, that's where we're headed.

  16. Yori Yanover says:

    Nonsense. We're headed to where the 25 ruling families want us to head. And they use you and me as tools to divide and rule. You're a tool of the Junta, by the very fact that you pick for yourself a spot that is on the Junta's playing board. You volunteer for the role of crazy anti-establishment guy, extreme right corner, please take your spot. I get paid for the centrist religious guy role. We're all bozos on their bus.

  17. Liad Bar-el says:

    Yori, a dream come true for you!! You can be the Commander of the Paint Gun Modesty Brigade in Mea Sharim. It will be the only time you will be allowed to look at sleeveless arms, mini skirt bare legs and skin tight body folding pants as you take aim to shoot.:-) Here in Israel this “looking” would be a mitzvah but if you do this already in the Galut, you are just filling up your basket of sins every time you look. Tzvi will put you in training at the harp-stringed Railroad Bridge next to his house.:-)

    Sheeeeeeeee. Not to tell any secrets, but HaShem is in charge not the 25 ruling families. If we love/fear HaShem and do His commandments, then those who do not do the same will become “bozos” whereas we will become the Children of HaShem.

  18. Yori Yanover says:

    Are you working HaShem's track record into your equation? He may be into entirely different ends than you imagine.

  19. "And the remnant of Jacob shall be in the midst of many peoples — like dew sent by G-d, like torrents of rain upon vegetation that does not hope for any man and does not wait for the sons of men." http://www.chabad.org/parshah/article_cdo/aid/696140/jewish/Haftorah-in-a-Nutshell.htm

  20. Tzvi Fishman says:

    That's just in the small immediate picture. On the big screen Imax, Hashem has promised the tshuva of our Nation will come – it won't be long in coming.

  21. Dov Bear says:

    Nothing Tzvi says is capable of bringing you closer to God, in that nothing he says is based on anything Godly. Its all RW conservatives fantasies wrapped in a thin Torah wrapper.

  22. Ahron Ebert says:

    Rightfully you want a fundamentalist Jewish state and then you want to follow the goyim in dealing with rapist. Jewish law doesn't imprison rapist and prohibits sterilation in any form. Rapist are required to marry there victim only if she wants and must pay fines. Be consistant.

  23. Jonah Block says:

    "two non kosher animals" you sir are crazy and sound like the person who pays for kosher toilet paper "bear" is a common name and I guess only would think to eat bear and dog meat. if you are going to make exagerated statements then make a disclaimer.

  24. Jonah Block says:

    can you further explain about this whole Muslim brotherhood thing?

  25. Joe Bee says:

    You can move to this "dream" location you speak of. Aside from the transition from one fairy tale god to another(oh, i know, yours is the real one, its the 2 billion muslims that are crazy, right?), this country is there for you. Its called Iran. Have a pleasant trip

  26. Ahron Ebert says:

    Rightfully you want a fundamentalist Jewish state and then you want to follow the goyim in dealing with rapist. Jewish law doesn't imprison rapist and prohibits sterilation in any form. Rapist are required to marry there victim only if she wants and must pay fines. Be consistant.

  27. Yori Yanover says:

    Absolutely, but if the cultural parent in the Tshuva scenario is Arutz 7 — let me be a yossom…

  28. Tzvi Fishman says:

    It is easy to say bad things about people and Israel when you don't use a real name or picture to let people know who you are, mu unkosher bear friend.

  29. Dov Bear says:

    You keep using that as an excuse to avoid my points and arguments. What you have not yet realized is that it doesn't matter if I use my name or not provided my points are valid. The fact that you can't offer anything resembling a counterargument strongly suggests you don't posses one. And if you have no counterarguments, it follows that my points are valid. See how that works? :)

    Also, as you have obviously never heard of them, here for your references, is a short list of great Rabbis who also had the "unkosher" name bear : The Maggid of Mezeritch, Dovber Schneuri, (aka the Mitteler Rebbe) Rabbi Yisroel Dov Ber Odesser, R. Hayyim Dov Ber Gulevskyr, etc. I am sure these great Rabbis will be pleased to know little Tzvi thinks they were not kosher due to their names.

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Tzvi Fishman, author of the Jewish Press blog Felafel on Rye and author of more than a dozen books.
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