web analytics
July 29, 2014 / 2 Av, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
Judaism
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



Broken Hearts


Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

My previous two columns featured letters from mothers whose daughters experienced the trauma of a wedding being called off just days before the scheduled simcha. How can parents protect their children from such painful experiences? Unfortunately, there is no magic wand, no guarantee. It’s one thing to see your children get engaged but something else again to see them under the chuppah pledging to build a true Jewish home.

I will respond to the second letter-writer first – the woman who overcame her initial skepticism about giving a person a second chance, only to discover to her dismay that the second chance didn’t work.

In biblical times the Jewish people never had a prison system. Instead, a person who broke the law – a thief, for example – was taken in by a family whose task it was to rehabilitate him so that he might reenter the Jewish community with dignity and honor. Such a person was referred to as an eved Ivri, a Hebrew slave.

Citing the Torah example of the eved Ivri, our letter-writer informed me that she wanted to give a second chance to the young man her daughter was planning to marry, despite all the negative reports she’d heard about him and some questionable behavior she herself had witnessed.

But the concept of eved Ivri has no bearing on a shidduch candidate. In one instance we are referring to a man who stole and is taken in by a family who will teach him how to live by Torah and mitzvot. Thus he’s given a second chance to become an honorable member of Am Yisrael.

A young wife, however, cannot be a “foster mother” or a policeman or a rebbe who has to discipline her husband. Husbands and wives are meant to be partners, kings and queens of their families. They trust each other implicitly and they in turn are entrusted by Hashem with the holy task of bringing forth a new generation to become part of the Jewish people.

To give people with flawed character traits and even a criminal history a second chance may work in some areas of life but to do so for potential marriage candidates is potentially suicidal. A wife is not the person to mold and reshape a man whose traits are wanting and reprehensible.

Yes, a wife can and should inspire a man to study Torah, daven with a minyan and give tzedakah, but to attempt to change his personality and character is beyond her purview. Perhaps during the dating period such a man can put up a false front and perhaps through his charisma can sell a bogus story about his past that portrays him as victim rather than a villain. His charm attracts her. She finds him magnetic. She’s in love. Once they are married, however, the truth emerges and the tribulations begin. The tragedy affects not only the young wife but their children and future generations as well.

I have heard variations of this problem from many young women who come to see me. “Rebbetzin, I met this wonderful person. He’s so good. He’s everything I ever dreamed of. There are a few problems, though, that I’d like to talk to you about. He has some nasty habits. He loses his temper easily, though he always apologizes. I discussed this with him and he promised me he will change. And once we’ll be married it will be so much easier for him to be the man I would like him to be.”

These girls are starry eyed and innocent, full of hope and idealism. They really think they can change a man, make him the perfect husband and loving father.

I hate to dash their hopes, but I have to tell them the truth. The words of the Torah speak loud and clear: “Do not place a stumbling block in front of a blind person.” Meaning if someone is blind to the consequences of her actions, it is our responsibility to enlighten her so that she can avoid disaster.

As I recently told a young woman who came to me thinking she would mold her fiancée once they became husband and wife, “Take a good look at him. What you see now is what he is, and after marriage things do not become better. If anything, they become worse. He no longer needs to romance you. He got what he wanted. If a change can be made, it must occur before the marriage. And this change cannot be just for few days or few weeks or even a few months.”

The girl’s eyes filled with tears. “I realize you’re right, Rebbetzin, but it’s so painful. It’s not the answer I wanted to hear.”

“I know,” I gently told her. “Reality is very often painful, but it is better to go through the pain now for a short while than to live a lifetime of pain.”

This young lady had not found her fiancée through the traditional shidduch approach, in which young men and women and their families are vetted and only after careful scrutiny will parents grant their permission to dating and marriage. I must add, however, that even with the most careful research, tragedy can still occur. Of course, this does not in any way absolve parents from doing their due diligence in researching potential mates for their children.

I will respond to the concerns of the first letter-writer next week.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

Please use the Facebook Tab below to leave your comment:

3 Responses to “Broken Hearts”

  1. Moishe Pupik says:

    Rebbetzin Jungreis wrote that "In biblical times the Jewish people never had a prison system." While her emphasis on the Eved Ivri method is highly positive, the above statement is factually inaccurate:

    "And they put him in ward, that it might be declared unto them at the mouth of HaShem." (Leviticus 24:12)

    "And they put him in ward, because it had not been declared what should be done to him." (Numbers 15:34)

    "Now at that time the king of Babylon's army was besieging Jerusalem; and Jeremiah the prophet was jailed in the court of the guard, which was in the king of Judah's house." (Jeremiah 32:2)

    "Who executeth justice for the oppressed; who giveth bread to the hungry. HaShem looseth the prisoners;" (Psalms 146:7)

    And more…

    Selling an offender to serve as a Hebrew slave does not apply to all crimes.

  2. I GREATLY ADMIRE THIS AWESOME WOMAN AND HIGHLY RECOMMEND ALL HER BOOKS.

  3. Wally Right says:

    Very true and beautiful. A true Judaeo-Christian interpretation of the TanaKH and our traditions.
    Ivri means both "Hebrew/Jew" and "one who crosses over", that is, one who crosses over from an old life into a new. it is closely related to the concept of being spiritually re-born or born from above/Heaven.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Loading Facebook Comments ...
Loading Disqus Comments ...
Current Top Story
U.S. President Barack Obama escorts Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu out of the Oval Office
Pirated Phone Conversation of Obama Slamming Bibi from Unverified Source
Latest Judaism Stories
Weiss-072514

Just as the moon waxes, wanes and renews itself, so has the nation of Israel renewed itself through the millennia.

126_masei_web

Parshat Masei: Rabbi Fohrman addresses the age-old question, are we our brother’s keeper?

Hertzberg-072514

When Germany invaded neutral Belgium on August 4, England declared war on Germany. Thus, by the end of the first week of August all the major powers of Europe were at war.

Winiarz-072514

The Talmud teaches that the Beis HaMikdash was destroyed because of baseless hatred.

When taking any major step in life it is a good idea to carefully re-evaluate one’s past.

Ours is a small and intensely vulnerable people. Inspired, we rise to greatness. Uninspired, we fall

The enormity of Hiram’s accomplishments crazed him and deluded him into self-deification.

When Hashem first thought (if it could be) about creating the world, the middah of din was in operation.

Hallel On Purim?
“Its Reading Is Its Praise”
(Megillah 14a)

If the only person available to perform the milah on the eighth day is a person who is not an observant Jew, the milah should be postponed until a devout mohel is available.

It is apparent from the Maharsha that he does not see galus as atoning for killing accidentally; otherwise, this Gemara would not bother him.

It was found to be a giant deer tick living in her head – with its claws in her scalp.

While daydreaming about finding the perfect job, I never expected to be rewarded in spades for my aforementioned experience.

We are all entrusted with the mission of protecting our fellow Jews

Today, we remain Hashem’s nachal.

More Articles from Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Gratitude=Great Attitude. Appreciation is always appropriate.

The two words “thank you” have no time expiration; even if spoken after many years they’re as potent as ever.

Let us shake the heavens. Let us not stop until our boys and all our people are liberated from bondage.

Loving-kindness can cure the anger and bitterness in our poisonous world.

The Hebrew word for coincidence is mikreh, which comes from “karah min Hashem – it happened from G-d.”

Saying “thank you” to people to whom we are indebted is humbling – especially if we’ve been raised in a culture of entitlement.

To his very last day he struggled to transcend his pain so that he might impart Torah to all who visited him.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/judaism/rebbetzins-viewpointrebbetzin-jungreis/broken-hearts/2014/02/14/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: