web analytics
July 29, 2014 / 2 Av, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
Sections
Sponsored Post
IDC Advocacy Room IDC Fights War on Another Front

Student Union opens ‘hasbara’ room in effort to fill public diplomacy vacuum.



The Anger Addict

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Everyone gets angry every once in a while; it is a basic human emotion that we express when we are faced with frustrations and emotional hurt out of our control. At times anger can be constructive as it motivates us to get things done, and can protect us from danger. However, that last quality is what also makes it destructive, particularly in the marriage relationship.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger.  So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

Let’s look at the case of Ethan and Mali, a young couple married less than a year. One of Ethan’s parents was Bi-Polar, and the other had issues of depression as well. To make things worse, neither one of them ever sought counseling or treatment. As a result Ethan would often take on the role of parent for his younger siblings.  This made him resentful and he chose anger as a way to vent his frustrations. He found that his anger not only gave him energy but it blocked his pain. Now, by nature, Ethan was a kind and giving person, and he wanted to make Mali happy.  However, when he got upset he would leave the house to give himself a “time out,” until he cooled off.  For Mali just walking out and leaving without a clue as to when he would return was just not acceptable. She had her own issues relating to parental abandonment. Mali’s father was seldom home. He would often go on business trips, and when he came home he was tired, and was not emotionally and physically available to anyone. When Ethan would leave, Mali would get even more upset.

I often tell couples in that “What you did in childhood to survive will kill you in your marriage.”  The brain does what is familiar.  Whenever Ethan would walk out, it would trigger the abandonment and resentment issues for Mali that would fuel her impulsive anger at Ethan, which would just make Ethan more upset.

 

What can we do to change our behavior patterns? Be aware.

Herskowitz-013114

 

It all starts with a part of the brain located right behind the eyes, the neocortex.  It is for screening, judging, and regulating the way our brain responds.  It is also the conductor, responsible for sending messages to the other parts of the brain letting them know whether we are safe or in danger and determining what type of coping response is required.  The amygdala is the part of the brain linked with a person’s mental and emotional state.

It’s like having a receptionist in the front office to greet visitors and an office manager in the back office making sure everything is running smoothly. Now if the secretary feels safe, the brain will send a message to the manager that “all’s quiet on the western front.”  Should the receptionist, let’s call her Ms. Neo, feel threatened, she will send a message to the office manager, Ms. Amy, who is responsible for emotions, memory formation, and stress response. It is Ms. Amy who will determine if action is required.  If yes, she will set off the security alarm saying, “Alert. Proceed with caution.”

In a stress situation, anger activates every muscle group in the body and you are ready to fight.  Cortisol, a hormone that will mobilize energy is released and set to the brain.  In addition, inside your brain, a sort of shidduch is about to take place: neurotransmitter chemicals known as Catecholamine and Dopamine are released, one to give you more energy and the other to give us pleasure and numb the pain.

About the Author: Moishe Herskowitz, MS., LCSW, developed the T.E.A.M. (Torah Education & Awareness for a better Marriage). As a licensed clinical social worker and renowned family therapist, he guides new couples through easy-to-accomplish steps towards a happy, healthy marriage. He can be reached at CPCMoishe@aol.com or 718-435-7388.


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

Please use the Facebook Tab below to leave your comment:

One Response to “The Anger Addict”

  1. thats just how we sound

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Loading Facebook Comments ...
Loading Disqus Comments ...
Current Top Story
rocket in a field near Kibbutz Mefalsim
Heaven on Earth (With Rockets)
Latest Sections Stories
Teens-Twenties-logo

What Hashem desires most is that we learn to connect with each other as children in the same family.

Jerusalem to Jericho Road: photograph by Chanan Getraide
“Chanan Getraide Photographs”: 2004 exhibition at Hebrew Union College Museum

“We are living in a Golden Age of Jewish Art, but don’t know it.”

Respler-072514

The real solution to bullying is to empower the bullied child.

Time outs increases compliance and positive behavior far more than other forms of discipline

Interestingly, sometimes people who have a very high self-awareness may experience intense reactions to circumstances that others might respond to more mildly.

“You Touro graduates are automatically soldiers in [Israel’s] struggle, and we count on you,” Rothstein told the graduates.

The lemonana was something else. Never had we seen a green drink look so enticing.

On his marriage, he wrote: “This is what I believe: something of the core, of the essence of this meaningful and life-affirming Judaism will not be absent from our home” (1882).

With the recent kidnapping by the Hamas and the barbaric murder of three children – Gilad Shaar, Eyal Yifrach and Naftali Frankel, we believe that the best answer to honor the memory of those murdered is to continue building those very communities – large and small – that our enemies are trying to destroy.

Written entirely through Frayda’s eyes, the reader is drawn by her unassuming personality.

Adopting an ancient exegetical approach that is based on midrashic readings of the text, thematic connections that span between various books of the Bible are revealed.

While Lipman comes from an ultra-Orthodox background and is an Orthodox rabbi, he offers a breath of fresh air when he suggests that “polarization caused by extremism and isolationism in the religious community may be the greatest internal threat to the future of the Jewish people”

More Articles from Moishe Herskowitz
Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Herskowitz-Moishe-NEW

Your husband seems to have experienced what we have described as the Ambivalent Attachment.

Many times when a couple is arguing they may, unconsciously, trigger childhood anger. So much so, that if we would stop and listen to what they are arguing about, it would sounds like two eight year olds fighting in the back yard.

In my last article I had mentioned that often one of the symptoms of autophobia, a fear of abandonment, is that as adults people suffering with this condition may become extremely sensitive to rejection.

In part one (Family Issues 04-29-2011) we mentioned that often a symptom of the anxiety disorder, the fear of abandonment, is a strong need to be in control. That is because the person suffering from the disorder has lost someone in their past – due to separation, divorce or death – and may unconsciously blame themselves for the desertion.

The fear of abandonment, also known as autophobia, is an anxiety disorder characterized by an acute fear of being alone. Often, one of the symptoms of this particular anxiety is a strong need to be in control. This is because one has previously lost someone close through separation, divorce or death and may unconsciously blames his or herself for the event. When this happens, any type of separation may traumatize the person, even the marriage of his or her own child can be viewed as a life-threatening event.

The following was a letter sent as a response to the article, “Children of Shame” (02-04-2011). The article addressed the fact that children learn at a very young age to disconnect their feelings as a mechanism to end their feelings of shame. As these children become adults, they find it difficult to reconnect those out of fear that once again they will feel the pain of shame.

Children who grew up feeling shameful for the most part will have also grown up without someone to talk to about how it made them feel.

Shame is one of the most destructive feelings there is. It is a feeling that something is wrong within us and has a negative affect on a child’s self-development.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/the-anger-addict/2014/01/31/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: