Dear Dating Coach,
I worked really hard throughout school to do well in school, to volunteer, and to participate in school events. I took care with my appearance, took on extra-curriculars, and constantly worked on my personal growth. I made wonderful friends and feel connected to my old teachers and community. My high school principal suggested a wonderful shidduch for me and we immediately connected. I was surprised when his family said yes, but felt lucky enough to ignore my self-doubt. He is everything I ever hoped for and his family is kind and warm. There is just one thing holding me back; my family. I love my family, but my house has always been unpredictable, messy and in disrepair. My parents are both perpetually out of work, erratic in their moods, and don’t seem motivated to change in any way. Over the years, I made sure that I always spent time at my friend’s houses rather than mine. But you can’t do that with a potential chosson and I am so worried about what he will think. Even more so, I am ashamed. Please help me.
Single Shame
Dear Shame,
There once was a girl whose garden would not grow,
Flowers shriveled, leaves turned brown, the water would overflow.
She cried and tried to hoe and plow, but the ground filled with mud,
Try as she might, she was not able to produce a single bud.
She hung her head in despair, her heart forced to resign,
Until a friend surveyed the garden and offered, “I see you and it’s fine.”
Thank you for your letter. I know this is not easy to admit or write. You have worked so hard to become the person that you are, and you shine so brightly. Your family, however, doesn’t conform to the standards you learned from watching friends in their homes and you worry about being disparaged, belittled and denigrated. You want to make a life with this wonderful guy, but you worry that when he sees where and how you have grown up, he will think less of you, less of your family. You feel ashamed.
Shame is such a powerful force that grows the more we offer it secrecy and judgment. It is time to give your soon-to-be chosson the chance to showcase all the special qualities that you see in him. Go out with him and have an honest conversation. Tell him the truth. Removing the secrecy will allow you to shed the power that shame has held over you for so long. Give him the opportunity to be empathetic, to meet your parents, and acknowledge that while he sees the differences, you are more than where you come from. Empathy will combat the shame, refusing to allow it to fester or come between you. Together you can share the weight, and look toward building a new home that will belong solely to the two of you. You are a million terrific things, not just a house that you grew up in. Let him in, create a new team, and together you can create a new solid foundation built on love and respect.
