Dear Dating Coach,
I got engaged two weeks ago, full of happiness and anticipation. Yesterday, to my complete shock, my chosson called me to break our engagement. He said that he has been having doubts, and after speaking to his parents and Rav, decided that he could not marry me. Now, I sit here with a broken heart, crying and crying. I am sad, angry, embarrassed, and confused. Where did I go wrong? What did I do? What was it about me that made him want to walk away from a future I was so excited about?
Heartsick
Dear Heartsick,
It’s time for a major reveal. Sit down for this one – it’s going to be big. Favorite sandwich of all time: peanut butter and banana. I feel your judgment; I see your face and your revulsion as you imagine yourself eating this delectable creation. Take deep breaths and taste it. If you think my all time not-so-secret favorite is revolting, you are not alone. Aspersions have been cast, hurtful comments have been made, and gagging noises have been heard. I stand by my sandwich and its deliciousness. Tonight, after everyone is sleeping, I tiptoe down into the kitchen and slather some bread with peanut butter and top it with some top shelf bananas. You are going to love it. (You are going to hate it.) It’s really just a matter of good taste.
It’s Fine If You…
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. It is so exciting to get engaged and to envision a future together, only to have it ripped away from you so unexpectedly. You wonder what you did wrong to make your chosson feel like he could not marry you. Your mind races through your dates as you try to pinpoint what you did to cause this. You are full of painful emotion and feel blindsided by the hurt and especially what your role may have been in this painful experience. You cannot help but question what you could have done differently to ensure you’re happily ever after, instead of this heart-wrenching outcome.
Don’t Like Me…
This is not about you, your actions or your behavior. This is not about how you look, what you wore, or what you said. You are the same person that your chosson chose to get engaged to. This is about your chosson. Something changed for him. Some connection was severed, or maybe was never fully there, and made him feel like he could not spend a lifetime with you. But you have remained the same, and so this is not about you.
Not Everyone…
This does not mean that it is not painful for you or heartbreaking. You made a decision that still means something to you and he decided that he needs a different path. This is hard, it hurts, and it’s extremely upsetting. Healing will take time and a concerted effort. Be kind to yourself and allow your family and friends to offer care and compassion. Accept their help, their love, and their sympathy so that you can heal and grow.
Has Good Taste.
Most importantly, remember this: It is not a blessing for someone to marry you when they don’t feel as you do. It is not a bracha to have someone feel forced to marry you when they no longer see the special gifts that make you uniquely you. A life with someone who does not see the gem that you are is not a win. So, while the pain is real and fresh now, remind yourself that you only want to be married to the person who understands your value every single day. Not everyone is going to be able to fully see you, appreciate you, and get the treasure that you are. In the end, it’s a matter of good taste.