Dear Dating Coach,
I’ve been dating a guy for a long time. I’m fully committed to him and to our relationship. I envision us getting married and making a life together. We have discussed the future numerous times, but there is always some reason why he is not ready to propose: an upcoming event, a change at work, travel, general questions about our relationship, etc. He always reassures me that now is just not the right time, but he will eventually want to get married. This has been going on for months and I am starting to feel anxious. How do I get him to finally commit?
Passed Go
Dear Go,
We went to get ice cream because it was a Tuesday, and sometimes Tuesdays call for ice cream. This particular store has one of those coin-operated car rides. (Fact Check: It’s actually a spaceship.) We watched as a small kid put his two quarters inside and climbed up into the seat. He pressed the button, and nothing. He jammed in another two coins and still nothing. He pressed the button harder. Nothing. He started to rock from side to side hoping to propel the ride into motion. Still nothing. People in the store offered assistance, banging on the coin slot, shaking the car, all while encouraging the ride to start. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The kid was pretty upset, and left in tears. We ordered more ice cream to commiserate. I know, we are truly empathetic.
Know Your Worth …
Thank you for reaching out. You have been dating someone for a while and feel like you can see a future with him. You are fully committed to this relationship and believe he is as well. You have been ready for an engagement for several months, but have only been offered excuse after excuse. So now, you hope for a way to convince him that the time has come for you to walk toward the chuppah together. If only you had the right words, the right timing, or the right answers.
And Look for Someone …
We are only able to control ourselves, our actions and our behaviors. We can encourage, prod, and plead, but ultimately, we are only responsible for our own conduct. This can be immensely frustrating and painful. We cannot force someone to commit to us, and of course should not need to. Still, even more than the time and energy you have given to this relationship, you are completely emotionally invested. To give up seems unthinkable.
Who Is Worthy.
At this moment, however, I would strongly suggest ending this. This is not a ploy or an ultimatum. After such an extensive amount time, after so many conversations discussing the future with no commitment in sight, it is time to see the truth. This is not someone who is ready to make a life with you. This is not someone who is able to commit to you. Every moment that you give more of yourself will only continue to damage your heart. While this will be difficult, every moment that goes by will be even more harmful. You are worthy of being loved. You are worthy of someone who wants to make a life with you. You are worthy of more than this. Give yourself this gift, and walk away.