Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Dating Coach,

I am a single in my early 30’s and I have not had a date in eight months. There have been suggestions and attempts by friends and shadchanim to set me up but every name is familiar in my small pool of eligibility. I have either already dated them, met them at a singles event and not connected, or know that we are not suited after their name was suggested and then researched multiple times. Our group of singles seems to be getting smaller where the same names are just being recycled and recirculated. I feel stuck and unsure of what – or anything I can do from here.

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Same Old

 

Dear Same,

My daughter is truly a gift but she has one itty bitty teeny tiny flaw; carsickness. Doesn’t seem terrible I know, but all that changes when it’s your brand new white shoes that have paid the price of her gastro-wrath. An open window means you are too late; a hole in a shopping bag shy of catching the horror that is vomit. Her carsickness is predictable in its arrival with any car ride that exceeds 22.6 minutes or is plagued by too little air conditioning, too much air conditioning, or a rider with an aggressive perfume. We have tried seat changes, fans, and diligent window gazing. We have tried eating before, not eating before, and throwing the perfume wearer out of the window. (Ok, not that. Maybe.) Regardless, my sweet girl will likely leave her last meal behind in your car if you take her for a ride. She is truly a giver. One day, we sent her on the school bus and our princess arrived at school with her breakfast intact. Apparently, a bus a day keeps the nausea away.

 

You’re Off to Great Places…

Thank you for reaching out. You must be incredibly frustrated when you consider your current dating prospects or lack thereof. You believe that in your age group and religious circle, the dating pool has dwindled to where most of you know or know of one another. This has created a dating moratorium without any effort at all; simply because you have exhausted every potential option in your group. Shadchanim and friends still make suggestions, but at this point you’ve met him, seen him, or dated him.

 

Today is Your Day…

We all know that expression about doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. This is certainly not the definition of expediency and efficiency. You believe you are stuck because no one new seems to exist in the comfortable/uncomfortable group you belong to. To remain as you are will then likely not yield new and productive results. It’s time to switch things up.

 

Your Mountain is Waiting…

This can be as simple as expanding your social network through your work, a new shul, a neighboring community, or new friends. Or it can be as complicated as uprooting the life you have made to move somewhere new. Regardless of the path you chose, the need to make a change is clear. You must expand your world to include those from different backgrounds and groups. You must allow new faces and opportunities to increase your options, and you must grow your network in every way. This requires a change; real change that may not be easy, and it may not be smooth, but it must take place. Your zivug is not in your current life and you know this.

 

So, Get on Your Way.

Travel to new places and ask to be introduced to people, share meals with those you have never met before, and remove yourself from the uncomfortable comfort zone you have unknowingly created for yourself. This expansion, this change, this growth – is vital to your future, and the time to make that change is now. Ditch the carpool you have made; it’s time to take the bus.

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Henni Halberstam is a Dating and Marriage Coach whose expert advice will help you navigate dating and relationships in order to ensure a successful marriage. You can contact her at hennihalberstam@gmail.com to schedule a phone session.