The Silence
Hubby is gone. The constant questions, the demands, the hours of Frank Sinatra at full volume with Hubby holding his beloved telephone in front of his lips, singing along into his faux microphone with joy and passion. No one asks for more coffee and its gingersnap companion.
I could easily turn on Spotify and fill the house with music. Why do I avoid doing so? What emotions am I afraid it will unleash? I prefer the silence. It allows me to think. It is a luxury. I am very much alone, but I am not lonely. A million memories are evoked with every glance.
London and France beckoned. It was time to experience life once again. I stayed at a new hotel (very old…but new for me) in the Marylebone district of London where we once lived. I was so looking forward to walking down the high street to my old haunts. It had been a few years since I had visited London. Both Hubby’s condition and the lock-downs from the Corona Virus stifled travel.
My first morning walk in the brisk winter air held unexpected discomfort. Where did the stationary store Ryman’s go, and the Post Office, and Tesco, and Boots, the pharmacy? I will go to Café Valerie as I have for thirty years to have my scrambled eggs with smoked salmon and a cafetiere of fresh coffee. There I will ponder the changes. I walk down the high street and realize that I have passed the iconic café, turn around to return to it, only discovering that it too has disappeared. Replaced by an apparently popular new eatery, with nothing whatsoever in common with its predecessor. My comfort zone no longer exists. Much like my marriage. Much like my husband.
Pleased to see a favorite family-owned shop still stocked with beautiful French clothing, I entered. The adult siblings take turns running the shop. The lovely sister who goes to Paris to do the buying was not to be seen. Her younger brother was friendly and charming. We began discussing the effects of Covid-19 on the businesses in the area, and within minutes he was expounding upon how humanity is bringing on its own demise by disrespecting the planet. He was very passionate in his concerns and I realized that it will be his generation which will need to resolve that which mine has ignored. If in fact, it is actually resolvable. If I am not careful, I will end up writing a political treatise, and this is neither the time nor the place to do so.
Having selected a lovely emerald green sweater to add to my collection, I ever so delicately mentioned that I was a regular customer when I lived in the neighborhood and that his sister always gave me a discount. He did not flinch before speaking:
“We are barely surviving. We cannot discount anything.” I believed him. No more needed to be said. The number of businesses which had closed told the story loud and clear.
Time with family in London was healing. Dinner at the very gourmet restaurant they had selected was outstanding, but only two of the tables were occupied. Londoners are experiencing difficult economic times at present. I could not but wonder if this restaurant would still be in business when I next visit the city.
On to our apartment in France, which I have visited on two previous occasions (since Covid), with close female friends. This was my first opportunity to spend time alone there with my memories. It too was very, very quiet. I felt no inclination to turn on the television. I knew that the news was full of important crises which would normally hold my attention. Still, it was the silence which lured me. I felt the need to record all the thoughts that were rising to the surface, but I had intentionally left my computer behind. I needed to stop meeting deadlines and take time for myself.
Would I remember the emotions I was experiencing when I returned to Jerusalem and my daily routine? One must write down thoughts and emotions as the occur, or they float into the atmosphere, never to be fully captured in the future.
The passing of your life partner after fifty years of shared experiences, is both difficult and liberating. To suddenly have the time to participate in multiple projects which have presented themselves in recent months, is indicative of a new beginning. Where this newfound freedom might take me is a massive question mark, as is our very existence.
How long will we be granted on this earth to fulfill the tasks that the fates have assigned to us? We each instinctively sense the intended purpose for existence. It is the silence which allows us to ponder such issues, and hopefully nourish our souls, to be able to move forward and fulfill our own destiny.
