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January 18, 2017 / 20 Tevet, 5777
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Greetings from Apartheidia

We just need some help here getting with the Apartheid program. This place looks too much like one of those Benetton ads.

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Ethiopian Israelis in the IDF

Ethiopian Israelis in the IDF
Photo Credit: IDF Spokesperson's Office

Friends (or at least those of you who aren’t… well you know),

Its another beautiful day here in Apartheidia, the place formerly known as Israel. The decision has been made to change names to reflect the reality of the situation that exists here now that we have not decided to commit suicide by accepting 5 million Palestinian refugees (there are actually only 3,500 refugees, but when you thrown in children, grandchildren, and their accountants the number grows somewhat), re-drawing the lines of Israel to only include the Port of Tel Aviv (we fought hard for that one), and Herzliyah Pituach (and that’s about it), and to neuter the IDF.

So, as that master of diplomatic acrobatics John Kerry so aptly pointed out, there is nothing left for us to do but to come out of the Apartheid closet.

There is just one problem we are all grappling with. Who are we exactly “apartheiding,” if I can put it that way. There have been numerous concerned citizen meetings in our town and others trying to get answers to this.

We asked our Ethiopian gardener about it and he said that he is saving up for an apartment, so if the country goes to hell, it should drive down the price of real estate. Our Arab family GP said no more antibiotics, get out and get some fresh air, even if it meant rubbing elbows with the apartheided.

Our Druze contractor did say that many of his family were being apartheided to death across the border in Syria, but he admitted that this didn’t have much to do with events on this side of the Golan.

There were some of our married friends who offered their spouse as an apartheid victim (or victor), the goal being a bit of critical distance.

But basically, we haven’t been able to quite figure out who is being apartheided. It’s funny, if you read the newspapers, you see the many opportunities for apartheid, whether it is Russians in the Ukraine, Christians most anywhere in the Mid East (oh, except here in Apartheidia, where they have just been recently responding to a voluntary IDF draft notice), and by their choice, Muslims most everywhere in Europe.

Look, if that searing light of diplomacy and international understanding, John Kerry (who must be channeling the all time guru of enlightened international affairs, Jimmy Carter) says we are an Apartheid state, then we must be.

We just need some help here getting with the Apartheid program. This place looks too much like one of those Benetton ads. One of the ideas that came out of the most recent town meeting was that “Apartheid Begins at Home.” In other words, each of us, in our own ways can start the ball rolling. Some particularly good ideas:

1. No more humus, because that might connote acceptance of  Arabs.

2. No more burekas, because that might connote acceptance of Mizrachim. Ditto malawa because of the toxic association with Yeminites.

3. Olives. Forget about it. Too many are grown by Arabs. Ditto dates.

4. Dining out in Tel Aviv, especially groovy areas like Neve Tzedek and Yaffo. Out of the question. Could be consorting with gays.

5. No more driving in northern Israel, since the main roads go through Druze villages and that’s no longer tolerable.

6. Jerusalem? No way. Its out of central casting for It’s A Small World.

7. Stay away from the IDF. They have those Beduoin units, Hareidi units, and they let Druze guys serve wherever they want.

8. You can’t even go to Judea and Samaria any more because too many Palestinians work there, in crimes against humanity locales like the SodaStream factory.

Douglas Altabef

About the Author: Douglas Altabef made aliyah in 2009 with his wife and youngest child from Bedford, New York to Rosh Pina in the Upper Galil. He serves on the Board of several Israel-oriented not for profit organizations, including The Israel Independence Fund and Im Tirtzu.

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  1. MiriamRiley says:

    No really, I think Kerry really is that stupid. As am I. I still don’t get why the PA is any of our business anyway. Where is the diplomats from UK, France… wait ? umm lets see, ohh yeah, Germany, UK, Russia – Kerry sounds more like a desperate drunk perv trying to get lucky in a soda shop.

  2. Miriam Riley says:

    could someone help me understand why its so important for Kerry to put so much energy into trying to insult people into giving him what he wants? Why is the PA demands so important to the US?

  3. Miriam Riley says:

    got to be more than that

  4. Miriam Riley says:

    its like he is a PA puppet and has no idea what USA even looks like.

  5. Nothing to do with oil, do your research. Our frenemies “Saudi Arabia” and the gulf states have the oil, read a book or wikipedia before making ignorant comments.

  6. Lize Bartsch says:

    If I tell you the truth you won’t believe me, but let me try anyway. The political world is in the hand of the UN and NWO. Read Joan Veon’s book: Global straight Jacket. She attended and reported on more than 40 UN conferences since 1976. They are working since then toward a ‘sustainable governance’, this means there are too many people in the world who are using up recourses and they try to play G-d by reducing world populations. You can see that every country which was demonized by the Media (which they own) since then and replaced by new government has been independent and replaced by either revolutionist, communist or radical Islamist regimes which systematically kill off people or commit genocide. Starting with Rwanda, Sudan, Rhodesia, South Africa, Bosnia, Iraq and the rest of the Arab Spring, you are welcome to Google and read up on what happened in Bosnia for example. So the Islamists and terrorists are actually doing their dirty work for them. Obama has been funding them to kill even civilians. They also change laws like the abortion law, gay marriage law, et and all these laws just to stop procreation. They couldn’t care less about destroying good moral societies or whether children grow up in healthy stable homes. The NWO consist of Free Mason Luciferians who want less people, dumbed down people whom they can CONTROL. The ultimate control is going to be the micro chip inplants. No time or place to explain further.

  7. KatherineHansVonRotesSchildZitler says:

    To call Israel Apartheid is an insult to South African Blacks who suffered real apartheid. kerry needs to go play with the bukes.

  8. ZeewItkis says:

    & I’m for real apartheid.. Dutch had a discreeded this world in S. Africa))) I want b apart!! I live in Haifa Arabic area))))) eit this music around the clock)))

  9. StuartSelis says:

    When all the other people in the world find out how Israel does Apartheid, poof and they will all be clamoring to move here.

  10. Rob Cheshire says:

    If The Boarding Countries would STOP being the Aggressors….everything would be peaceful ….

  11. LaroldRebhun says:


  12. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    Hello Douglas, you might make a movie out of this episode triggered by an unintentional ‘slip of the tongue’ via John Kerry (I didn’t actually say that, did I?)

  13. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    Stuart, if we all head to Israel, we may need to spill over the borders in order to accommodate all of us. And then ???

  14. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    Zeew, that is what this world needs is music around the clock. We need to free our souls from all the clamor going on, the party poopers.

  15. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    Katherine, Mr. Kerry may need a stone massage, in other words Caribbean therapy for the body and mind, a treatment that uses the healing touch of alef reiki.

  16. KatherineHansVonRotesSchildZitler says:

    This was no slip of the tongue. Study the history of America and you will see that America will use a country then dump them and now America wants to do it with Israel. Israel needs to get more Dolphin submarine.

  17. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    Miriam, do you feel that Mr. Kerry would change his ways if he got to attend a Jewish wedding party. He looks like he needs to cut loose from his stoic and staid ways. What do you think?

  18. KatherineHansVonRotesSchildZitler says:

    Judith Dowla Off with his head and be done with it.

  19. MiriamRiley says:

    Judith Dowla I don’t think that would help, then he would be upset because his PALS don’t get something like that everyday. I think he would use that as ammo against Israel. Lets face it, PA is the only ones he hasn’t teed off yet… “YET”

  20. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    I can tell you think a lot like a Bengal Tiger. Like the Queen of Hearts said in Alice in Wonderland, ‘off with his head.’ Grrrrrrrr

  21. DavidBachrach says:

    Right on!

  22. MarshaFormanGoldfine says:

    You are sick

  23. JudithYvonneDowla says:

    Katherine, you mentioned that Israel needs more Dolphins. A most subtle, sleek and graceful mariner for sure. I hope you get the ones you need. I will put up some prayers for you on ‘dolphins.’

  24. Adam Auach says:

    It's two edged. White South Africans were part of the Paypal Mafia, started Tesla, are the hope of indigenous American space travel, the brain that created the whole interface for Amazon probably the greatest bit of Software ever created according to EVERYONE that studied it, I can continue.

  25. Adam Auach says:

    The greatest software engineer ever I am referring to above is Chris Pinkham.

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