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September 29, 2016 / 26 Elul, 5776
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WOMBS R' US

I Want to have Your Baby, Sarah Silverman

Let's talk about motherhood and babies, because, soon enough, the 170 comments on Rabbi Rosenblatt's article veered away from dealing with the gifted comic and settled on the idea of compulsory child bearing for modern American women.


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France, with a miserable 1.7 real GDP growth rate, is actually the most fertile in Wesdtern Europe, with 12.72 births per 1000 and 8.85 deaths.

Check out the figures for the entire European Union: it posts a measly 1.6 real GDP growth rate, and has 10.27 births per 1000, compared to 10.05 Deaths for the same 1000.

Yes, our enlightened European brothers and sisters are dying out, soon to hit a negative birth rate, meaning that more people will die than be born there every year. At that point we won’t be talking about GDP, we’ll be talking about Sharia Law and specials on prayer rugs at Galeries Lafayette.

Now take a look at the 2012 figures for the United States: we only have a 1.7 real GDP growth rate—number 149 in the world, and we have only 13.68 births per 1000, fighting off 8.39 deaths per 1000.

We’re only a little bit better off than France, not by much, really.

Babies are a blessing not only to their parents and grandparents, but to the economy. The IAF once published a picture of an F-16 fighter plane, and in front of it stood all the men and women responsible for making it function. It took a huge group of grunts of all manner of collar color to make that monster soar through the air.

A newborn baby generates a bigger team by far than an F-16: doctors, nurses, catering hall employees (for the bris or the naming), shop keepers, diaper makers, writers and publishers, TV producers (Barney – if I have to watch that purple beast with my grandchildren…), nursery school teachers, bus drivers, school teachers, gym teachers, therapists, career counselors, summer camp canoe operators, piano tuners, bell-bottom seamstresses, the list is absolutely endless, all the way to the grim gentleman in the muddy overalls who digs up our final resting place.

No babies – no economic growth. You can talk all you want about Wall Street and stupid Stimulus packages and Detroit and Congress – but real, long lasting prosperity still comes from babies.

Which is why, if Sarah Silverman decides to have a baby but will be looking for someone to raise him or her, in a traditional religious Jewish home, but quite moderate, with unlimited access to the Internet – one phone call and we’ll come pick them up.

Seriously, folks, it’s OK to pursue a career in whatever you want to do – but first make a few babies, while your bodies are still pink and juicy and robust, and babies can happen to you without fertility doctors and crazy-making hormonal treatments that will turn sweet, loving wives into homicidal maniacs. Trust me, I could tell you stories.

So what I would say to Sarah Silverman for real, is: it’s OK, in your case you’re probably better off just doing what you’re doing. But those of you who aren’t biting, cutting edge, shockingly vulgar, hilarious, sophisticated comics – go be someone’s mommy ASAP.

Sources:

List of countries by real GDP growth rate (latest year)

Index Mundi: Historical Data Graphs per Year

 

Yori Yanover

About the Author: Yori Yanover has been a working journalist since age 17, before he enlisted and worked for Ba'Machane Nachal. Since then he has worked for Israel Shelanu, the US supplement of Yedioth, JCN18.com, USAJewish.com, Lubavitch News Service, Arutz 7 (as DJ on the high seas), and the Grand Street News. He has published Dancing and Crying, a colorful and intimate portrait of the last two years in the life of the late Lubavitch Rebbe, (in Hebrew), and two fun books in English: The Cabalist's Daughter: A Novel of Practical Messianic Redemption, and How Would God REALLY Vote.

The author's opinion does not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Jewish Press.

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