Dear Dr. Yael,
I am writing about my experience in being a baalas teshuva. I know you featured a letter from a woman who felt very isolated in her community (9-2-2016), but I have to say that it has not been my experience. I feel as if I am integral part of neighborhood in which I live.
I think our lives when we become frum doesn’t change in certain ways. For example, I am a very social person and always had a lot of friends; it may be that the previous writer had a different personality. While I don’t know what this woman is like, there are times when people seek out Yiddishkeit and a closer connection to Hashem because they are unhappy socially or have a poor relationship with their parents.
That’s not how it was for me. Baruch Hashem, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents. My search for Yiddishkeit was because of a lack I felt in the Judaism I was living. Even as a young child I remember sitting at the Seder table (a mostly Conservative set-up) and crying because I felt everyone wasn’t taking the Seder seriously. My yearning for the truth continued throughout the years and in college I went on a Birthright trip which helped me understand how many Jews there actually were in the world.
In college I made friends with some Modern Orthodox girls, but felt there was still more to be found in Yiddishkeit. In grad school, I met people who were seriously frum, yet open-minded and filled with positive thoughts about Torah and Hashem. One of those women became my role model and taught me so much in a non-judgmental way. Her love and warmth made me want to dig deeper into my heritage.
That summer I went to a seminary in Israel and totally turned my life around. I married a man who was frum from birth and today we have a beautiful family with six children. I think the isolation our previous writer described may have been related to her not having children and/or not being in a warm and loving community.
My parents initially had a hard time with my choice. While there are still things about my life they don’t understand, my family and I are their greatest source of nachas. They love me and help me a lot with my six children, but it’s still not the same as having parents who are frum and are totally accepting. This is why being in a warm and welcoming community is so important.
Please encourage your other writer to find another community. Wherever she lives is not the right place for her. There are so many communities either out of town or with an “out-of-town” feel where she will be made to feel at home. I daven that Hashem guide her on her journey.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I do agree that it seemed as if the original writer was having a more difficult time as she was struggling with infertility. She described people making assumptions that she and her husband were holding off on having children for professional reasons and how painful that was.
Over the years, many infertile couples who were frum from birth have written saying that our community as a whole is not welcoming to those who do not have children. Shabbosim and Yomim Tovim, especially Purim and Simchas Torah, are very child-focused and that makes it painful for those who have not yet been blessed with children to participate.
I am happy that you found a community that is so accepting and loving. I hope that our previous writer will make an effort to find such a community so that she can feel more accepted and have a larger social circle. Hatzlocha with your family and with all that you are doing!