web analytics
April 1, 2015 / 12 Nisan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


‘Matchmaker, Matchmaker – Make Me A Match?’

      As a longtime “born-again single” and parent, I’ve come to the conclusion that the road to matrimony is like the road to weight loss. There are several routes, trails and pathways; but you have to find the one that will successfully get you to where you want to go. Each derech is right for some and wrong for others. That is why, for example, some people find that a low-carb, high fat/protein works for them, while others swear by a high-carb, low fat regimen. And then there are those who insist that just counting calories is the way to go.

 

      All the different methods have proven to be very successful or big failures. At the end of the day, each individual has to find, often through trial and error, what works for him or her.

 

      This too is true when it comes to finding one’s bashert. For some individuals, a professional shadchan is the route to go. The shadchan does not necessarily know the single that well, but does have an insight as to what his/her hashkafas are and introduces the person to someone of a similar background. If the couple being set up enjoys each other’s company, it’s likely a chuppah is on the horizon. If not, the shadchan tries again, and keeps on doing so until he/she puts together a two-some who “click.”

 

      Other singles prefer to be set up by friends and relatives, who know them very well.  They don’t want a shadchan who at best may be an acquaintance who may have met them briefly, or “interviewed” them, to redd them someone who very likely is someone the shadchan barely know as well.

 

      Then there are men and women who want to meet on their own, at social gatherings like Shabbatonim, college get-togethers, shul functions or at parties.

 

      Each of these methods has its pros and cons. On one hand, the shadchan may have a large network of “potentials” for an individual based on his/her awareness of the family and what their expectations are in terms of a spouse for their child. But because the shadchan does not truly know the person he/she is setting up, it may take a while before he/she matches two people with compatible personalities. The individuals might be the right “shnit” (cut from the same cloth) but the fit is wrong.

 

      Close friends and relatives may know the single very well and there is a good chance they will successfully set him/her up with someone whose personality and outlooks on life really meshes well with their own. But then again, these very caring, well-meaning family members or friends might be “too picky” or selective about whom they want to set the single up with. Thus, they will often unwittingly invest their own biases and prejudices into the mix.

 

      A friend, an older single, confided in me that she felt chagrined that a relative who was very well- connected in her community never set her up. Her reason, she said, was that “she respected me too much to set me up with the men she knew.” On one hand, my friend told me, she appreciated that her relative thought so highly of her; on the other hand, why not let her be the judge of who was “good enough” for her.

 

      Which is why meeting at singles’ gatherings really works for some people. These mixers offer singles a golden opportunity to meet individuals that no schadchan, whether a professional or close friend, would have ever thought in their wildest dreams to introduce. On “paper,” everything about the two was totally not shiach (compatible), yet having met on their own, preconceived “requirements” and “musts” were tossed out the window.

 

      I’ve seen never-married men or women who were adamant about “never” going out with divorced or widowed people with children get married to single parents whom they met at these functions. High- income professional women have connected with “blue collar” workers, and those from “big yichus” stood under the chuppah with ba’alei teshuvah- because they met as individuals first and not as resumes.

 

      But at the same time, major incompatibility between attendees can result in the single having wasted time and money going to an event whose guests were, for the most part, totally inappropriate for them. Most girls, for example, do not want to meet a man old enough to be her father.

 

      The bottom line is that, like a diet, each person looking to marry has to find the method that works for him/her. No one system is perfect and each person should utilize the method of meeting they are most comfortable with. However, if time after time after time there are no results, he/she should consider trying another way of meeting and not stubbornly proclaim, “Oh, that’s not for me” (if someone suggests going to a professional shadchan or a Shabbaton).

 

      Because at the end of the day, if a different “derech” enables a daughter or son of Israel to build a bayit ne’eman b’Yisrael, bringing forth generations that are a continuation and the future of Am Yisrael – that is really what matters!

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “‘Matchmaker, Matchmaker – Make Me A Match?’”

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Egyptian President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi.
Obama Stops Punishing Egypt for Dumping Muslim Brotherhood Prez
Latest Sections Stories
Food-Talk---Eller-logo

While we are all accustomed to the occasional recipe substitutions – swapping milk for creamer, applesauce for oil – gluten-free cooking is a whole different ballgame.

Something-Cooking-logo

Until the year I decided to put a stop to all my tremors. I realized that if I wanted my family to experience Pesach and its preparations as uplifting and fulfilling, I’d have to relax and loosen up.

Teens-032715

David looked up. “Hatzlacha, Dina,” he smiled. “I hope everything goes well.”

In 1756, when the ominous threat of Islamic terror against Jews reached Tunis as well, Friha became one of its tragic victims.

Are we allowed to lie for shalom bayis? It would seem so, but what might be a healthy guideline for when it’s okay and when it’s not?

The connection between what I experienced as a high school teenager and the adult I am today did not come easy to me.

Isn’t therapy about being yourself; aren’t there different ways for people to communicate with each other?

Jack was awarded a blue and gold first-place trophy, appropriately topped off with a golden bee.

Participating in ManiCures during the school day may feel like a break from learning, but the intended message to the students was loud and clear. Learning and chesed come in all forms, and can be fun.

Building campaign chairman Jack Gluck has led the effort over many years.

When using an extension cord always make sure to use the correct rated extension cord.

There was no question that when Mrs. Cohen entered the room to meet the teacher she was hostile from the outset.

Szold was among the founders and leaders (she served on its executive committee) of Ichud (“Unity”), a political group that campaigned against the creation of an independent, sovereign Jewish state in Eretz Yisrael.

My friend is a strong and capable Jewish woman, but she acted with a passivity that seemed out of character.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Kupfer-092614-Books

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Many go about the business of living frum, observant lives, but they are only going through the motions.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/matchmaker-matchmaker-make-me-a-match/2007/01/10/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: