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December 2, 2015 / 20 Kislev, 5776
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Speed Dating For In-laws?


So not only do these young “men” have minimal fiscal responsibility – if any – they are also no are longer required to make any decisions on whom to date, Mommy will do it for them.

How are they supposed to mature if their main responsibility is to show up for shuir and show up for dinner?

Do we have such little confidence in our 20-something bochrim that their mothers have to help them pick out a wife like they used to help choose their shirts and shoes? They may have long lists to get through – so what? It takes 7 years to complete daf yomi – that doesn’t stop anyone from tackling it a day at a time.

Chances are that a young woman on the list got there because she was already pre-screened and deemed a potential mate, so why does his mother have to “TSA” her before she’s allowed to “come aboard?”

And then the question begs to be asked: Will a young bride who was hand-picked by her mother-in-law feel so indebted to her that she will feel obligated to subjugate her own opinions and preferences to accommodate the woman who chose her?

If the mother-in-law insists that gold carpeting would compliment the furniture THEY bought the young couple, and the bride prefers hardwood floors and rugs, do his mother’s wishes take priority?

And then there is the issue of inaccurate first impressions. We all know happily married couples whose first date was a disaster. Both were persuaded to have a second date and their impression of each other took a complete U-turn.

When a mother of the boy meets a girl, she could walk away with a false impression of the individual and reject what could have been a wonderful mate for her son. Likewise, the girl, having met the bochur’s mom, might refuse a date, thinking she might be a horrific mother-in-law, when the opposite might be the truth.

We often encourage a dating couple to go out a second or third time – to give a potential relationship a chance. That can’t happen when the “couple” meeting for the first time is the mother/daughter-in -law.

This get-together might have been launched with the purest of motives, to facilitate the dating process for girls who are on a “waiting list” – but wouldn’t the face-to-face meetings have been more effective and efficient if the young men initially met their potential spouse – instead of their mother?

After all, back in the day, on T’u B’Av (15th of Av), when the maidens of Israel gathered in the streets with the goal of being paired off, they danced in front of the young men – not their mothers. This gathering of young people was sanctioned by our biblical ancestors – perhaps it was their wise way of preventing a shidduch crisis.

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4 Responses to “Speed Dating For In-laws?”

  1. Shoshanna Goldstein Sanders says:

    "It’s not a secret that many middle aged women, mothers of shidduch age daughters, fanatically exercise and diet themselves into size 4′s, knowing full well that as they open the door to the bochur taking their daughter out, his eyes will be looking her up and down as he tries to get a glimpse of what his potential wife might look like 25 years into the future.

    How this would be mother-in-law looks could influence the length of that first date. The bigger the double chin, the shorter the date – even if the girl herself is rail thin."

    If this is true, then the charedi world has officially lost its mind.

    Yeshiva bochrim looking their dates' mothers up and down as they open the door? Middle aged women developing eating disorders so that these bochrim will like what they see?

    Fortunately, I believe that the author exaggerates. The end of the article is fine, but the first half is just nutty.

  2. Batya White-Novogroder says:

    just for the record i try to lose weight for myself & not for my daughter's dates!!!

  3. Shoshanna Goldstein Sanders says:

    Batya White-Novogroder if a guy shows up to date your daughter and looks you up and down, close the door and lock it!

  4. Batya White-Novogroder says:

    Shoshanna Goldstein Sanders, VERY good point ;)!!!

Comments are closed.

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Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/speed-dating-for-in-laws/2012/04/26/

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