web analytics
May 29, 2015 / 11 Sivan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Speed Dating For In-laws?


Kupfer-042712

So not only do these young “men” have minimal fiscal responsibility – if any – they are also no are longer required to make any decisions on whom to date, Mommy will do it for them.

How are they supposed to mature if their main responsibility is to show up for shuir and show up for dinner?

Do we have such little confidence in our 20-something bochrim that their mothers have to help them pick out a wife like they used to help choose their shirts and shoes? They may have long lists to get through – so what? It takes 7 years to complete daf yomi – that doesn’t stop anyone from tackling it a day at a time.

Chances are that a young woman on the list got there because she was already pre-screened and deemed a potential mate, so why does his mother have to “TSA” her before she’s allowed to “come aboard?”

And then the question begs to be asked: Will a young bride who was hand-picked by her mother-in-law feel so indebted to her that she will feel obligated to subjugate her own opinions and preferences to accommodate the woman who chose her?

If the mother-in-law insists that gold carpeting would compliment the furniture THEY bought the young couple, and the bride prefers hardwood floors and rugs, do his mother’s wishes take priority?

And then there is the issue of inaccurate first impressions. We all know happily married couples whose first date was a disaster. Both were persuaded to have a second date and their impression of each other took a complete U-turn.

When a mother of the boy meets a girl, she could walk away with a false impression of the individual and reject what could have been a wonderful mate for her son. Likewise, the girl, having met the bochur’s mom, might refuse a date, thinking she might be a horrific mother-in-law, when the opposite might be the truth.

We often encourage a dating couple to go out a second or third time – to give a potential relationship a chance. That can’t happen when the “couple” meeting for the first time is the mother/daughter-in -law.

This get-together might have been launched with the purest of motives, to facilitate the dating process for girls who are on a “waiting list” – but wouldn’t the face-to-face meetings have been more effective and efficient if the young men initially met their potential spouse – instead of their mother?

After all, back in the day, on T’u B’Av (15th of Av), when the maidens of Israel gathered in the streets with the goal of being paired off, they danced in front of the young men – not their mothers. This gathering of young people was sanctioned by our biblical ancestors – perhaps it was their wise way of preventing a shidduch crisis.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

4 Responses to “Speed Dating For In-laws?”

  1. Shoshanna Goldstein Sanders says:

    "It’s not a secret that many middle aged women, mothers of shidduch age daughters, fanatically exercise and diet themselves into size 4′s, knowing full well that as they open the door to the bochur taking their daughter out, his eyes will be looking her up and down as he tries to get a glimpse of what his potential wife might look like 25 years into the future.

    How this would be mother-in-law looks could influence the length of that first date. The bigger the double chin, the shorter the date – even if the girl herself is rail thin."

    If this is true, then the charedi world has officially lost its mind.

    Yeshiva bochrim looking their dates' mothers up and down as they open the door? Middle aged women developing eating disorders so that these bochrim will like what they see?

    Fortunately, I believe that the author exaggerates. The end of the article is fine, but the first half is just nutty.

  2. Batya White-Novogroder says:

    just for the record i try to lose weight for myself & not for my daughter's dates!!!

  3. Shoshanna Goldstein Sanders says:

    Batya White-Novogroder if a guy shows up to date your daughter and looks you up and down, close the door and lock it!

  4. Batya White-Novogroder says:

    Shoshanna Goldstein Sanders, VERY good point ;)!!!

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu.
Israel Envisions Regional Cooperation with Arab Nations
Latest Sections Stories

How is it possible that some of our people cannot see what I see, the miracle of the existence of the state of Israel?

Road sign in Russian and Yiddish greeting visitors on the road just outside Birobidzhan. (photo by Ben G. Frank)

Birobidzhan railway station sign is the world’s only one spelling the town’s name in Yiddish letters

Ayelet Shaked

She’s seen as a poster child for The Jewish Home’s efforts to reach beyond its Orthodox base.

Girls don’t usually learn Gemara. Everyone knows that.

Mordechai and his men shared a strong mutual loyalty.

“Can I wear tefillin in the bathroom?” That was the question US Private Nuchim Lebensohn wrote to Mike Tress, president of the Agudath Israel Youth Council, in a letter dated November 18, 1942. Lebensohn was not your typical young American GI. Polish by birth, he was forty-three years old and married when he was drafted […]

To what extent is your child displaying defiance?

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Mistrust that has lingered after the fiasco in Ferguson, Missouri, has edged the issue forward.

“The observance of a kosher diet is a key tenet of Judaism, and one which no state has the right to deny,” said Nathan Diament, executive director for public policy of the Orthodox Union.

Two weeks of intense learning in the classroom about Israel culminated with Yom Ha’Atzmaut. Students attended sessions with their teachers and learned about history, culture, military power, advocacy, slang, cooking, and more.

The nations of the world left the vessel to sit rotting in the water during one of the coldest winters in decades and with its starving and freezing passengers abandoned.

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-On-Our-Own-NEW

The message being conveyed is that without “flour,” without the means to support oneself and one’s family, one’s focus on Torah will be impeded by worry.

Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/speed-dating-for-in-laws/2012/04/26/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: