(Names Changed)

Birthdays, anniversaries, life cycle events are all times we look forward to. Though we may not appreciate the age we are reaching, we do look forward to celebrating the fact that we were born. More so, we enjoy that others are happy that we are in their lives and come to celebrate with us. But when your spouse is chronically ill, whether at home or in care, celebrations often become lonely, sad experiences instead of happy ones with loved ones.

I was privileged to participate in a women’s well spouse support group. The women varied in ages but all their husbands had MS and so, all were young when the chronic illness came to live in their home. They started each monthly meeting with a bouquet of birthday flowers given to the women who had a birthday that month. They shared with me that the members of the group missed the acknowledgement of this special day, as none of their husband’s were able to make it special any more. So they decided to pass the “kitty” around each month and have everyone put in whatever amount of money they were comfortable with and with that, they bought flowers for anyone who had a birthday. One member of the group told me she could buy flowers for herself, but receiving them from the group was better. It was not the flowers as much as the fact that someone acknowledged the day and tried to make it special.

Laila was a middle aged member of the group whose husband had been in a nursing home for almost 10 years. He could no longer speak and no one knew just how much he understood even if he recognized his wife. The nursing home, always left a card for her, signed with her husband’s name, on their anniversary. Laila appreciated the sensitivity and care of the nursing home workers to do this, but at the same time, she told me, it somehow made the loss worse. She would not want them to stop sending the card, but the sense of loss it brought on was so painful. She feared that the sense of loss without the card might even be more painful.

Rochel shared a different experience with me. She had recently married off her daughter. Her husband, because of a sudden worsening of his condition, was not able to attend the wedding at the last minute. Rochel said the most difficult part for her was walking her daughter down the isle alone. “It just didn’t feel right.” She said. “My husband should have been there, on the other side of our daughter, taking her with me to this next part of her life. It’s something we always dreamed about. Walking her down alone brought me more pain than I thought was possible. It was even worse standing under the chupah without him. If I had been a widow, perhaps I would have been prepared for it, though I’m sure it still would have been enormously painful. But being there alone, when just last week we were anticipating the pleasure of doing this together – well…it’s just too hard to talk about.

Shoshana’s children are married and no one lives near her. Her husband is also in care. He does remember special days and always tells his wife to buy herself flowers from him and to get herself a present. But somehow, she relates, it’s just not the same as when someone picks something just for you. My kids call to wish me a happy birthday or happy anniversary. Then I go to the nursing home and hear about how bad he feels. I know it’s tough for him, but I wish I could have just one day, just one day out of 365, that I could spend free of talk of illness. That would be the best birthday present I could have.

D’vora is still adjusting to being a well spouse. She is just getting used to being alone on special occasions and having no one to celebrate with. It is only six years since her husband was diagnosed. But D’vora still thinks back to her birthday five years ago when a friend dropped in unexpectedly with a birthday cake and flowers. She told me she couldn’t believe the difference it made in her day, even her week. It gave her a feeling of being cared about and thought of. She still thinks back to it even though it was five years ago. Nothing like it has happened since.

Special occasions are important. For well spouses, or anyone that has no one to acknowledge and make the day just a bit special, life becomes sadder and more difficult. If you know someone who is alone on a special occasion, taking the few minutes to send an e-card, or a paper one or perhaps drop off a flower or even a candy bar can make all the difference. It is not what you do. It is in the doing something, anything that makes the person feel cared about and loved. Isn’t that something we all need?

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