Dear Dating Coach,
In a world of pictures on every resume, is it ok to say no to a guy or girl based solely on his or her picture? Sometimes, the resume and the research we do makes it easy to say no if I also don’t like the picture, because overall the shidduch doesn’t seem like a good fit. However, a guy was just suggested to me and on paper and in our research, he is everything I could ever hope for. Line for line, and every phone call described a guy that I have been davening for – for years! But I don’t like his picture. I mean he looks clean and neat and has a really nice smile, but overall, he is not the “look” that I generally like. I think I should say no because I don’t want to waste my time or his, but the shadchan is putting pressure on me to go out with him. What do you think?
Picture Imperfect
Dear Picture,
When I was little, my parents took me to the toy store to buy a doll for my birthday. In the doll aisle the shelves were stocked with box after box of perfect blonde and blue-eyed dolls to choose from. There were also a few lovely brunettes with big brown eyes, glossy hair and long eyelashes. My parents were bemused to see that I quickly bypassed the more conventional options for a doll with spiky black hair and inky hooded eyes. I loved her at first sight and called her “Shana’la.” I adored that doll and proudly added her to my collection of blondes, where she remained my favorite toy, until of course, I learned to “Chinese jump-rope.” IYKYK.
Beauty Comes from Within… A Snapchat Filter.
Let me just be clear in saying that I am okay with the addition of pictures in resumes. I think that a picture can add a measure of comfort and excitement when agreeing to a shidduch. Certainly, it can offer a mother or father looking into a match for their child, the chance to put a ‘face to a name’ and to see positive middos in a kind smile. Furthermore, I believe that a couple should have some form of attraction to each other before they get married. They should definitely appreciate the way that their chosson or kallah looks and their overall appearance. That being said, to say no to a shidduch that sounds PERFECT for you solely based on a 3×5 photo is ludicrous and frankly, terribly arrogant. If everything else sounds exactly right and he or she is everything you have been hoping for and the picture does not showcase someone that is immediately appealing, definitely give the shidduch a chance.
People look different in person, and you know… when they are not two dimensional. People look different after we talk to them, after we connect with them, and certainly after we LIKE them. Worst case scenario, you will not be able to get past his looks and you will both move on. That is the WORST case scenario. Best case; you fall in love with the personality, the middos, the charm, and the brains, that you have been dreaming of, and suddenly, he is adorable and highly appealing. We must remember that we are marrying someone for a lifetime, and all the changes that might bring. Look for the beauty within, and you will be the luckiest girl in the world with the most handsome guy in your neighborhood.
