Dear Dr. Yael,
A close friend of mine recently lost her husband. She had a loving marriage. She never worked and she spent her life cooking and baking for her husband, children, and grandchildren, some of whom are married. Baruch Hashem she is financially well off. Her husband passed away suddenly. She is very depressed, and I do not know how to console her. She confided in me that she just doesn’t understand why Hashem took her husband who was in relatively good health so suddenly. I think she may need some psychological counseling to deal with her grief and strengthen herself spiritually. Maybe you can give me some tips on how to help her. Please advise.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
We are going through tough times with many tragedies and challenges. Grief is a challenging emotion to deal with. It definitely seems like your friend can benefit from psychological treatment to help her process her husband’s sudden death. Perhaps you can talk to her about another friend who went for help in a similar situation and then gently suggest that she seek out therapy to help her process this sudden trauma. It is also important for you to try to get your friend out of the house. Make an effort to spend time with her going out to eat or doing physical activities (e.g., going for a walk). Maybe you can also try to help her get involved in some chessed projects that will fill her empty time. Perhaps she can cook or bake for new mothers or mothers going through treatment. This will help her find her identity again and feel better about herself through giving to others.
If your friend confides in you again about not understanding why Hashem took her husband, perhaps you can share with her Rabbi Sholom Emert’s divrei chizuk, “One way to deal with the tragedy is to strengthen our emunah and know that whatever Hashem does is for a good reason even though we may not understand it at this time. Give thanks to Hashem for all the brachos we have and strengthen ourselves through extra kavanah during tefillah.” If your friend is able to thank Hashem for all of her brachos, it may help to strengthen her emunah.
We can’t possibly know the mind of Hashem. We can’t even begin to speculate as to what was Hashem’s purpose in taking your friend’s husband at this time. Perhaps it is part of a larger calculation involving all of the Jewish people, however, we don’t know.
Every person who your friend can positively impact in this life will help both that person and have reverberations on their children and neighbors. If you drop a pebble into a pool of water, waves will emanate out from the point of impact and ultimately envelope the entire pool.
Perhaps she could volunteer at a social services organization, a school, or a hospital to give encouragement to people who are depressed and lonely. Every tiny step will both benefit people in need and contribute to the honor and benefit of her late husband’s neshama. Perhaps in some way, your friend’s reaching out to people in need may be a part of Hashem’s plan for your friend to achieve during this terrible trial. Please help your friend see that this is an opportunity not to be missed.
Tell your friend that she shouldn’t give up and she shouldn’t despair. Instead, if she tries to look to the future and to how she can give to others, she will be surprised how her mood and life will be elevated. Because of the seeming severity of your friend’s sadness, I would urge you to encourage her to seek therapy to assist her in making this transition from despair to joy and fulfillment.
Hatzlocha and I hope your friend can find the help she needs and come out of this difficult situation stronger and healthier!