Dear Dr. Yael,
I’m curious to understand why you think it is so commendable that the woman who wrote in a few weeks ago has agreed to keep the reason for her divorce a secret from everyone. While I agree with her that she and her ex-husband should not bad mouth each other, and that this will ultimately benefit their child, it is also very misleading. I don’t understand why she should not confide in a therapist and rav to explain her side of the story.
When I was single, and dated other divorced people, I wanted to know why they got divorced and to understand if it was indicative of other issues. Further, we don’t know what her ex-husband’s secret is, but depending on what it is, other women should be aware of the issue before he begins dating. The fact that she claims that he does not want to remarry is not a firm commitment. He could change his mind at any point and a potential spouse should be aware of his issues, and if he has received help and moved past this issue that was serious enough to lead to a divorce.
Anonymous Rabbi
Dear Anonymous Rabbi,
I received many letters about this column. I advised this woman to seek help and to speak to a competent rav. The problem with writing this anonymous column is that we really do not know all the facts and we generally hear only one side of the story. I appreciate your letter and I agree that there are many problems in keeping this issue a secret. You present many important points in your letter. You are correct that the ex-husband can change his mind and this can create problems. Thank you for responding and making some important points. Hatzlacha in your own personal situation.
Dear Dr Yael,
Having both been married and divorced, my fiancé and I decided to go for some premarital counseling. Given that her therapist had ten years of history together, especially through that prior marriage, we opted for this as a powerful compatibility check. After a session or two, we got a clean bill of health and went onto the chuppah.
After the honeymoon phase faded some months later, issues started cropping up, even with ongoing therapy, and a total collapse ensued about seven years later.
Once the dust settled, I went back to that therapist to ask the obvious question, “What did I do wrong?” and the reply was an absolute shocker. “Nothing.” – she is incapable of being married as she acted the same way in her prior marriage. I responded with, “If you knew this, why did you give us the ok to proceed?” to which she said that ethically she was bound to not say anything at all.
So I ask you, what was the point of going in the first place? What would you do?
B.
Dear B.,
I’m so sorry to hear that you had to go through this. When going to a therapist for premarital counseling, it would likely be more prudent to go to a neutral therapist so they can be honest with both of you. What also would’ve been helpful was for you to do more research as to why a person’s marriage didn’t work the first time and to have your future serious prospects sign a release for their therapist to be able to talk to you. Because a release was not signed, the therapy you went for was just a formality and didn’t provide you with any real information.
Research can be extremely helpful, especially in the type of situation that you describe. The therapist that you saw was obviously in a sticky situation as no release was signed and she could not share any pertinent information. You can also have any future prospects meet your own therapist as well, so you can have them evaluate the situation, but many things are hard to see in one or two sessions. Combining extensive research with your own intuition, as well as your therapist’s intuition, should be more helpful in the future. However, we cannot predict the future and no plan is perfect.
I wish you hatzlacha in finding the right zivug and hope that these ideas can help you when you find her!
