Dear Dr. Yael,
I read your July 22 letter from the husband who was separated from his wife and family and hoping to reunite with them. He said that with the help of his therapist he had made changes.
I debated whether or not to write to you as our family, baruch Hashem, was able to reunite. When my husband and I separated it was very difficult for our children; they love their father very much and begged me to let him come back home. We went for therapy many years ago and today people refer to us as a couple with a very good marriage. As a matter of fact, most people do not even know that we were ever separated.
Without going into specifics, I can say that both my husband and I really worked hard and made changes. I don’t know anything about the couple in the letter, but I do know that with a commitment from both parties, a happy marriage is possible.
We have been blessed with more children since we got back together, and today one of our children is happily married. I don’t know if that would have happened had we not set the right example for them.
I hope this couple finds their way back to each other and to their family.
A Reader
Dear Reader,
Thank you for your letter. During my years as a marital therapist, I have been privileged to work with many couples who separated and, baruch Hashem, reunited happily. As you said, it takes a lot of work, but ultimately the children and the couple are happier. Divorce may seem like an easy solution; however, it brings with it a whole host of other issues. I wonder sometimes if we would have more happy endings if more people would be willing to put in the effort.
Of course, every situation needs to be evaluated and sometimes divorce is the answer. However, many of us let things fester instead of dealing with issues when they crop up and before severe damage is done. Once couples have caused each other a tremendous amount of pain, it is much more difficult to repair the relationship, though not impossible.
Dear readers, even if you think divorce is your only option, please seek help from a professional who has a good track record of saving marriages. Once you and your spouse begin to treat each other with love and respect, you will most likely recover some of the love you had for each other. With time, you will hopefully want to stay married and continue to work on building a strong and healthy relationship. Of course, this will take a lot of emotional work, but the dividends are well worth the challenge!
Shlomo HaMelech teaches us that kemayim hapanim lapanim ken lev haadam l’adam – the way in which we treat another is the way he or she will treat us. In most cases (not in cases where a spouse is abusive or mentally ill), how you treat your spouse is how you will be treated. Thus, if you are complimenting your spouse and treating him or her with love and respect, your spouse will likely treat you in kind. On the other hand, if you are generally cranky when your spouse comes home (or when you come home) or you speak disrespectfully to him or her, you will be treated the same way. We are all entitled to an “off day,” but our general attitude should be positive and we should always consider what we can do to make our spouse happy.
If both halves of a couple act this way, their marriage will be beautiful and enjoyable! If only one person is acting this way, it can cause some resentment. In that situation, it’s important to communicate your needs to your spouse in a loving and caring way. You can do this by saying something like, “I really appreciate how hard you work and I love you very much. I believe that I try to do the things I think will make you happy, but sometimes I feel like you don’t take my feelings into account. Do you think that you can try to be more sensitive to my needs and help me with ______?” It’s important that you have this conversation when both of you are in a good moods and not hungry or tired.
People think marriage is easy and that when it’s not, it’s because they married the wrong person. However, more often than not, that is not the case. Being married means putting someone else’s needs before your own, even when you don’t want to. It means being calm even when you feel yourself getting upset and speaking in a loving tone even when you want to scream!
Thank you for sharing your story and for showing us that many marriages can be saved. Enjoy your nachas. You deserve it! Hatzlocha!