Dear Dating Coach,
My heart hurts and I’m not sure how to fix it. I dated someone for a while and I thought we were headed for the chuppah. We discussed the future, we were on the same page about everything, and I felt like I met the person I would spend the rest of my life with. So, I was blindsided when he abruptly decided that I was not the right person for him. He assured me that I was everything he had hoped for, but something just didn’t feel right. We stopped dating and have both seemingly moved on. He however, continues to reach out to me once every few weeks just to “check in.” I’m so confused and upset. Does this mean he wants to marry me after all? Please help me.
Still Connected
Dear Still,
Coffee is a very important food group. No, I am not a dietician, but I’m sure they will all agree that coffee is at the top of the food pyramid. Therefore, starting a day without this vital beverage is both foolish and frankly dangerous to your health. (This is basically a public service announcement; I’m sure I will soon be invited to a nutrition symposium.) Yet, one day this week, I left the house without coffee; a complete caffeine conundrum that defies logic. I quickly amended my error by purchasing a cup to go and placed it gently in the holder labeled coffee. (Ok, there is no label, but clearly there should be. Ahem, Honda.) My java-deprived self reached for a hot cup and took a life-affirming sip.
It was 5-day old coffee that I had left in my car. I picked up the wrong cup. Note to self; 5-day old coffee is the worst thing you can drink to start your day. Unless your goal is gastro-intestinal upset. Then by all means, drink up.
No Matter What…
I am so sorry that you are in pain. Of course, you are hurt after investing emotionally, only to learn that he did not ultimately feel as you do. You were ready to make a lifetime commitment and he decided to move on. Yet, he continues to play with your feelings by staying in the periphery of your life with occasional contact. You are confused and rightly so. Does this mean he wants to go back to what was or are you misreading signs that don’t exist?
You Need To…
Please take this message with the gentleness that I intend. It is time to move on. What he hopes for or wants at this point is not your concern and only time will tell for him. You need to focus on your emotional well-being, and this requires self-protection. You need to erase and block his number from your phone and any other contact you have (including social media and the like.) There is no honor in allowing yourself to be dragged along for a ride on a journey that is no longer yours. He told you that he wanted to end things. This does not allow him to ask you to wait patiently in the rafters until he is absolutely sure that he can be happier with someone else.
Love Yourself A Latte.
You are worth more than this. You are valuable and deserve to be treated as such. We cannot live for the “what ifs,” and the “but maybes.” (Should he knock on your door one day begging for a chance, you will have the opportunity to make a choice. This is not a factor under your control and therefore has no bearing on your decision.) Today however, you know for sure that he does not want to make a life with you. This is an absolute right now. So, you need to cut ties and move on. You are not forgotten dregs left to wait. You are a beautiful gift that will bring joy and a deep sense of appreciation to the right person. Believe in your own worth, and move forward.