Dear Dating Coach,
I was ready to propose to an amazing girl that I see myself with for the rest of my life. We are similar in so many ways and seem to have the same vision of the future. She is really everything I could have ever hoped for in a wife, except for one thing: In my opinion, her mother is overbearing, presumptuous, and controlling. The only limited contact I have had with her through this dating process already worries me. Last night, she called me to offer ‘helpful proposal ideas’ for me to use when proposing to her daughter! I panicked after the call, and now I am not sure that I can spend the rest of my life with a mother-in-law who is already too involved in my life! Do I end things? Help!
Against the In-Law
Dear Against,
When I was single, I was firmly Team Cookies and Cream. Any ice cream shop, any location, any recipe, and cookies and cream was all I would order. Before my husband met me, he was strictly Team Peanut Butter. Peanut Butter ice cream was his jam and the only ice cream allowed in his home freezer. We met, married, and never once discussed ice cream. (I know this is shocking.) Once, on a whim, we went out for ice cream in the dead of winter (it felt right at the time) and we discovered (drumbeat) salted caramel. Immediately the clouds parted for the sun, birds sang, and we stood in awed silence at this “where have you been all my life” moment. We may have ordered second cones (this is a no judgment zone), thanked the ice cream shop owner profusely, and vowed at that moment to live a life of salted caramel above all else. (This story is very profound.) To this day, we are Team Salted Caramel, and while we won’t turn down a spoon filled with our former faves, we know where our ice cream loyalties lie and that is non-negotiable.
If You Were Ice Cream…
Congratulations on being so close to an engagement. Getting to the point in dating where you can see your life firmly intertwined with another is both exhilarating and nerve-wracking. You like and appreciate everything you know about her, but her mother and her interference worries you. You are concerned that if she is seemingly this involved before you are even engaged, that will translate into boundaries crossed in your future with her daughter. You want to marry this lovely girl, but you don’t want to marry her mother, and her meddling makes you believe that you may not be able to have one without the other.
You Would Be…
Of course, it is true that when we get married, we are also including another family into our lives. It is naïve to believe that you can marry your spouse without taking their family dynamic into account. Surely, she is not the first mother-in-law to garner a reputation for being intrusive. Mothers protect and fight for their children from the moment they are born, and many struggle with stepping back from that role to allow a new person to nurture a child that they love above all else. The knowledge that you both want to care for the same person will remind you that she is not your enemy or your rival.
My Favorite Flavor.
That being said – a marriage is between a man and a woman (and G-d). A healthy and productive marriage does not include parents, no matter how loving or well-meaning. Before you propose, you must have a frank and honest discussion with this wonderful girl. Tell her that you see a happy future with her. Tell her that in order for that happy future to be successful, you believe that you must form a new alliance of two – and only two. You will certainly include her mother in your lives, and you may even solicit her opinion and advice; but all the decisions in your marriage will belong to the two of you alone. This is non-negotiable. Big decisions, small decisions, and those in between will be navigated, communicated, and agreed upon between the two of you, as you are now forming a new Team. If she can agree to this and you can feel confident in your ability as a couple to become Team Two, then propose with an easy heart and enjoy salted caramel for life.
