Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Dating Coach,

I got married a month ago in a small wedding that felt beautiful to me and my chosson. With all the challenges that Covid-19 posed to dating, we still seemed to find creative solutions as we got to know one another. I had a wonderful time dating, planning our wedding, and picking out an apartment. Now though, my new husband and I are both in school and working (from home because of coronavirus) and to be honest, I feel a little bored. We are together ALL the time – and I’m just not sure what we do from here. Every day feels like the one before it – and I’m afraid that we are going to feel stagnant and stilted. What happens next?!

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Wife Life

 

Dear Wife Life,

I once went parasailing. “Once” being the key phrase here. I always admired those colorful parachutes holding brave humans as they soared through the skies attached to boats that raced across the ocean. It looked so exciting and yet so peaceful to be so high, to take in the view, and to experience the world from a different perspective. After many opportunities, I finally decided to go as a teenager. First there was the indecision and the build-up; (They seemed to go so high! Was it safe? Searching to find that perfect partner to go with you!) Then, you had to deal with the logistics; (Was the weather optimal for flying? Was the harness sturdy? Was the rope secured?) Finally, the captain allowed the boat to speed ahead and slowly we rose higher and higher until we felt like we could touch the clouds. The first moment was exhilarating as you took in the scene below with your partner – the thrill of the ride overwhelming and invigorating.

Then, the boredom set in.

And stayed for the longest 20 minutes of my life.

What happens now I wondered? Is this it? Just when I resigned myself to the monotony, the boat slowed to a stop, plunging us into the Atlantic – the true definition of life’s ‘ups and downs.’

 

A Blessing on Your House,

Congratulations on your new marriage. You have been so blessed to find and marry your bashert during this complicated time. The excitement as you dated someone so right for you, and the anticipation and planning of your subsequent marriage has made your Covid-restricted life now feel anticlimactic. This is only compounded by social distancing rules attached to Covid; forcing newlyweds still getting to know each other to spend blurred days together with very little outside interaction. This can make your world feel small and ‘boring,’ especially after the whirlwind of dating and wedding planning.

 

Imagine Such a Spouse,

It’s time now to focus on the FACTS – Family, Appearance, Communication, Time, Structure.

Family is so important. Take this time to get to know your respective families and to mold yourselves into a new family of two. Reach out to his parents, to his sisters, and encourage your husband to build a relationship with your family as well. This is such a precious time to connect with those who love your spouse while expanding your new social circle. Next, remember, that even though you spend the bulk of your day indoors, you must still take time with your appearance. Make sure you are dressed properly everyday – put on some makeup and wear actual shoes. This will make you feel good, your spouse will certainly appreciate the effort you have made, and this will set the tone in your new home. Then, even though you are physically in the same space, you must not forget to communicate. Have dinner together every night and talk properly. Use this time to learn even more about the person you have been so lucky to marry. Time is your friend. While you certainly know one another now, time will only encourage the ease and comfort that you feel with one another, making your spouse someone that you appreciate spending so much time with. Finally, even though you are home, structure is important. Get up at the same time every day and make sure you have a schedule that you adhere to. The more structured your day is, the more motivated and inspired you will be.

 

Mazel Tov, Mazel Tov

Use FACTS as your new blueprint to battle the monotony that you feel now as a newlywed and remember that even with life’s ups and downs, you are so lucky to be flying high through it all with your bashert by your side.

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Henni Halberstam is a Dating and Marriage Coach whose expert advice will help you navigate dating and relationships in order to ensure a successful marriage. You can contact her at hennihalberstam@gmail.com to schedule a phone session.