Dear Dating Coach,
I have gone out with a guy that I really like a few times, but he has set summer plans that will prevent us from seeing each other for a month. To be fair, he had this trip scheduled before we went out for the first time, but I am still so frustrated. We are just getting to know each other and we will either have to start all over again in a month or we can ‘take a break’ so that I can date other people. I don’t want to date anyone else, but I feel silly waiting around for him to have his fun and get back.
Summer Single
Dear Summer,
When I was growing up, we drove eight hours to my grandmother for almost every holiday. We would pile into our Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser jammed with suitcases and food for our trip. There always seemed to be just one more thing that we needed to bring, until every nook and cranny of that station wagon was filled. Seatbelts were optional and tapes were required as we ate and vomited our way to my Bubby’s house. As some of us fell asleep or stretched out, we would gradually pass items to my (saintly) mother who would look for any available inch to put the half-eaten sandwich, book, or pillow that we would hand her. Halfway through our drive, her seat would simply have no space left and she would sit pretzel-like as she tried to read a book through our car ‘demands.’ (‘Requests’ sounds nicer, but that would be dishonest.) I never heard my mother complain about her lack of space, or her need to add ‘contortionist’ to her resume. My mother is the strongest woman I know, but she taught me then and always that flexibility is the key to navigating the road and our lives.
Flexibility…
I’m so glad to hear that you are dating someone that you are excited to get to know further. It is always wonderful to date after that initial connection has been made. You know that you like each other and now get to learn more about one another to foster a deeper understanding and possible future relationship. Just when you felt that you were making progress however, you were frustrated to learn that he will be going out of town. You believe that his trip will disrupt that tenuous bond you have created, and you feel resentful and left behind.
Is the Key…
If Covid-19 has taught us anything – it’s that connection can still be fostered when we are not together. We can still get to know each other, build relationships, and learn from and about each other. This lesson is undisputable and demands that we adapt to all of life’s curveballs. As long as he has Wi-Fi, a cell signal, or a stamp, you can still connect with each other. You can talk on the phone, see each other through FaceTime, email, and continue to grow a relationship that seems so promising. The time he takes to pick out the perfect postcard to send you on his trip will let you know that he is thinking of you. The special date you can take the time to plan while he is away, will reassure him that he is on your mind. The funny anecdotes that he saves to share with you from his day spent traveling, will confirm that he wants to include you even when you are apart.
To Stability.
It is vital that you take this time to do something that you value as well. You are not being left behind to wait for him. You are gifting him with the opportunity to continue to pursue his own interests while you pursue yours. If you don’t have vacation plans, then utilize this time to explore your own creativity, to excel at work, to visit family, or to linger on your front porch watching the day turn into night. Should you both be lucky enough to become engaged to one another, you will still be two different people who will support and bolster one another throughout your singular and mutual journeys. So, tell him to have a wonderful time and that he should enjoy every minute of his summer plans. You may not be included in his physical trip, but you have already started your journey together. Remember that flexibility ensures that whatever happens between the two of you – your inability to bend didn’t hold you back. So be flexible and score that front seat forever.