Dear Dating Coach,
My friends often complain to me about their inability to get dates. They say that any boy could easily go out every day of the week, as we girls all struggle to be set up by shadchanim, family, and friends. They often blame their lack of dates on the fact that they are overweight, introverted, or not pretty enough. I on the other hand, have always been complimented on my beauty and figure and I still can’t get a date! What am I doing wrong?
We once fixed up a bathroom in our house. When we moved in, the bathroom was firmly stuck in the 60’s in a tile that I would never choose. (Ok. Nobody would choose that tile.) The bathroom however, was fully functional, so we deemed it “retro chic” (yes, that was a stretch) and left it alone. Slowly, the bathroom stopped working as it should and it was time for a change. We tore out the old tile, threw away the vanity and replaced it all with a fresh new look. When it was done, we oohed and ahhed over the gleaming bathroom, thrilled at how pretty it was. Until, water started pouring out from behind the walls. From. Behind. The. Walls. Yes, you are correct – that is not good indeed.
It can be incredibly frustrating to watch the boys you know find dates with ease, while you struggle to be matched. It is only natural for girls then, to look for a reason as to why they are not being set up. Perhaps they believe, if only I was thinner more people would want to date me. Or perhaps if I was from a wealthier family, a poorer family, or a local family. Perhaps they will blame their propensity to be shy, their lack of beauty, or in your case, being too pretty. We are only human, and it makes sense that we would want an easy out, a comfortable excuse to explain why the shidduch process is so difficult. I sympathize with you in your struggle, and I agree that sometimes just finding a date can seem like an impossible task.
What to do?
Attitude and Self Confidence. It may be time to look around you at the people you know that are married. Some are thin, some are overweight, some are from wealthy families, and some grew up in poverty. Some are beautiful, some are shy, and some are extremely extroverted. Your beauty, while a blessing, is not what is holding you back from finding your bashert. Instead of looking in the mirror, it is time to self-reflect so that you can take stock of your attitude and self-confidence. Men are attracted to women with a positive attitude; to women who approach life with enthusiasm and grace, packaged in genuine self-confidence. Unfortunately, external beauty does not guarantee that a woman is self-confident. So, take a moment, and honestly reflect on your attitude and self-awareness. If your attitude could benefit from a shift toward positivity and if deep down you are unsure of your self-worth, then it is time for a change.
DNA. When you present yourself with positivity and when your self-confidence shines bright, you may realize that you may not have been approachable before. In a need to protect ourselves, we want to rely on comfortable excuses like nobody is interested in me because I’m “shy, overweight, not pretty, too pretty, etc.” We blame our very makeup, our DNA, but we’ve unwittingly changed the acronym to “Do Not Approach!” Our ‘reasons’ are clearly sending the message that we are not approachable, and so we are not approached.
Pay Attention. Open your eyes, showcase your interest, and concentrate on the men that seem to notice you. Instead of looking for a unicorn at the next singles event you attend, focus on the men that want you. Pay attention to the men that are paying attention to you. You will be surprised by the men you have been missing, while you look past them, over them, and around them. Then, with your positive attitude and inner confidence, you will send out an approachable vibe that encourages people to set you up, to come over to you, and to get to know you. With fresh eyes, and honest reflection, you will be sure that your beauty is merely ‘pretty tile’; a layer of who you are and what you have to offer your dates and your future spouse.