Dear Dating Coach,
My newly married youngest sister just told me she is pregnant. I have 3 other younger sisters who are married with families as well. I pride myself on my positivity, and on my determination to live my life fully until I meet my bashert. But when my sister told me her news, I felt tremendous despair. I masked my pain of course (feeling guilty and like a terrible person) and wished her my best, but I can’t seem to shake off my sadness. Now everywhere I go, I feel invisible, surrounded by happy couples and mothers pushing baby carriages. I see my smile faltering, and time ticking by, and I feel powerless to do anything about it. I truly believe that I do all I can to increase my chances of finding my match, but the sadness has become a living breathing weight on my shoulders. How can I possibly get through this?
Solitary Sister
Dear Sister,
I have always been fascinated by Erin Langworthy. Erin decided to go bungee jumping off Victoria Falls Bridge and her rope snapped, sending her 364 feet into the crocodile infested Zambezi River. She fought the dangerous current for forty minutes with her feet still tied, ingesting filthy water, while surrounded by the wild animals that lurked along the shores.
Nothing happened to her.
She suffered some cuts and bruises of course, but she didn’t die – she didn’t even break any bones. She was the 105th person to jump that day, out of the 50,000 that jump from that spot every year. It was the first time that the rope snapped, and to this day, no one is really sure how she managed to simply walk away.
Today
My heart breaks for how you must have felt sitting there struggling to keep your smile in place while your sister shared her happy news. Our frum world is designed for families and for children. Every celebration, Yom Tov, and event seems to feature the family, leaving singles floundering and unsure of their place. I am sure you are a beloved aunt, sister, and daughter, but we are raised to dream of our future families, and being alone only highlights what you are missing. I applaud you for living your life fully, with career, friends, and experiences – and for your determination to be positive and hopeful. But you cannot fault yourself for your humanity, or for the sadness that you feel. This doesn’t take away from your value as a sister, it merely marks you as a woman who wants that same happiness for herself. A happiness that you have had to fight for longer than you had ever anticipated.
I Choose
Hashem runs the world. Maybe Erin doesn’t know it. But you and I know that Hashem decides our fate, and we only have to do our utmost to accept it, all while fighting to present our best arguments for mazel and bracha. I always encourage singles to do everything in their power to increases their chances of meeting the right person. I believe in the dating process, in singles events, in putting your best foot forward, and in the power of a friendly introduction. However, with all that said, Hashem still runs the world, and so there are times when we have no choice but to bear pain and suffering, when we might not understand why.
To Be Happy
Despair however, is the greatest enemy of the shidduch process. So, first be kind to yourself, accept your feelings and your pain. Treat yourself to small soothing balms, like a walk on a sunny day, a manicure, or a cozy brunch with a friend. Buy yourself something new, let yourself sleep in one day, or sit by the fireplace with a good book. Then, do everything in your power to combat the despair that threatens to bring you down. For some it’s exercise, for some it’s the promise of travel, and for some it’s simply mindfulness and the ability to talk it out with someone who cares. Your time will certainly come. You will meet the right person for you and you will have a chance to build your family. Until then however, don’t let sadness threaten any possibility that comes your way. You need to fight it with everything you have. Put on some lipstick, smile, and give every opportunity a chance. Your positivity holds the key to your present and to your future.