Dear Dr. Yael,
The minute I read your December 2 column, I was reminded of a great book I once read called, Toxic People. The author explains that allowing toxic people into our lives gives them the power to destroy us. He says that the minute a person does something we cannot tolerate, we should distance ourselves from him or her. I totally agree with this notion. Life is too short and precious to stay close with those people who say and do things to hurt us. And if we can not do it alone, there is no shame in asking for help.
Thanks for letting me share my view.
GS
Dear Dr. Yael,
I read your column this week and, although, you were talking about toxic parents, I worry that I have a toxic spouse. My husband always makes me feel inadequate and inferior and as if I can never do anything right. Is he a toxic spouse?
A Reader
Dear G.S. and A Reader,
Thank you for taking the time to write and allowing me to clarify this complicated issue. Yes, toxic people can exist in any relationship. In the column you both referenced, we were discussing toxic parents. This week I would like to focus on toxic spouses.
Marriage, as we know, is a lot of hard work. That is one of the reasons why I believe that reading fairy tales to young children is a disservice – they make marriage seem magical. Now, it’s true that couples do experience amazing magical moments, but only when both spouses put in the work necessary to make them possible.
Toxic is a very extreme word. It is defined as “acting as or having the effect of a poison; poisonous.” If thinking of your spouse as poisonous to your life sounds absurd, then maybe things are not as bad as they seem. But if the definition resonates with you, then it would be prudent to look at the signs of a toxic spouse. Some signs of a toxic spouse are:
- Make You Feel Inferior – While its normal to sometimes feel badly about yourself, if your spouse is continuously making you feel inferior, something is wrong.
- Find Fault in Everything You Do – Everyone makes mistakes and messes up sometimes, but constant criticism from your spouse is not okay, especially if there’s never any positive feedback.
- You’re Always Walking on Egg Shells – It’s extremely unhealthy if you do not feel safe to discuss issues with your spouse. Everyone is entitled to a bad day or even a bad week, but you should not feel that you have to constantly censor what you say or that you can never have a conversation with your spouse.
- Encourage You to Withdraw From Family and Friends – If your spouse encourages you to or forces you to cut off your family and friends, this is a huge red flag. There are circumstances under which you may feel the need to withdraw from someone, but in general, your spouse shouldn’t be encouraging you to cut people out of your life.
- You Lie About Your Relationship – If things are so bad that you are afraid to be honest about how your marriage is going, it may be an indication that you think you deserve better.
- Are Controlling – If your spouse controls how you spend your money, who you hang out with, or even little things like what to eat for dinner, then it would be prudent to seek professional help immediately. This is a pretty clear sign of toxicity.
- Don’t Take Responsibility for Their Actions – “You chose to feel that way,” is the most passive-aggressive comment you’ll hear from a toxic spouse. If your spouse never takes responsibility for his/her actions, you have an issue. Constantly being told everything if your fault, especially when it’s something you have zero control over, is very damaging to your sense of self.
- Aren’t Sorry for Making You Upset – Sometimes in the heat of the moment, your spouse may not show any remorse, but once you both calm down, your spouse should feel bad for upsetting you and want to make it better. The three most important words in a marriage are “I am sorry!” If these words are completely absent, then you are likely dealing with a toxic person or one who needs intensive therapy. Of course, someone who is constantly putting you down, being emotionally abusive and then apologizing is no better. However, someone who always thinks he or she is right is also dangerous.
- Ignores You – When someone ignores your feelings and communication efforts it can make you feel alienated and alone. It’s a terrible feeling and can be a very bad sign. Some people have very poor communication skills and need to work on this, so this sign alone is not a deal breaker; however, if you are nodding your head to many of these signs, it’s definitely a sign of danger. Poor communication skills are easy to remediate if caught early on.
- You Feel Miserable All The Time – The most crucial sign to look for is feeling miserable every time you are around your spouse. You’re supposed to be happy with your spouse. There will be days where he or she is driving you crazy and you just want to be along, you should not be feeling miserable and unhappy on a daily basis when you are with your spouse.
People are complicated, but anyone making a concerted effort to work on him or herself is likely not toxic. However, if the signs noted above are prevalent in your marriage it is imperative that you seek professional help.
Staying away from toxic people who are not in your immediate family is a whole other story and will be addressed in another column. Hatzlocha!
