web analytics
August 22, 2014 / 26 Av, 5774
Israel at War: Operation Protective Edge
 
 
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Jerusalem Mayor Nir Barkat (L) visits the JewishPress.com booth at The Event. And the Winners of the JewishPress.com Raffle Are…

Congratulations to all the winners of the JewishPress.com raffle at The Event



Home » Sections » Family »

Purim And The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim


Mandlebaum-031612

I know I’m going to be crucified, but if the appeal I make below helps even one girl in shidduchim, then it will be worth all the fury and outrage that shall inevitably descend upon my soon-to-be beleaguered head.

The other night, I was invited to a fascinating new shidduch initiative. Endorsed by leading rabbonim and spearheaded by a few righteous women valiantly trying to transcend the spiraling “shidduch crisis” in some small but meaningful way, the concept was to bring mothers of eligible young men together with young women looking for shidduchim (members of both groups were pre-screened and issued personal and discreet invitations by the organizers) in both a balabatish setting and a dignified way.

Everybody knows that the experiences of boys in shidduchim–in contradistinction to their female counterparts–is vastly different. This is the harsh truth: The mothers of “good boys” are bombarded with shidduch suggestions on a daily basis – a veritable barrage of resumes either flooding their fax machines or pouring out of their e-mail inboxes– while those with similarly “top” daughters sit with pinched faces anxiously waiting for the phone to ring. The disparity is bare, bold-faced and veritably heartbreaking: In the shidduchparsha,” boys are constantly being courted and pursued, while the best girls’ resumes barely elicit a modicum of interest.

As a friend recently told me: “When my nephew was 19 and started shidduchim, he went out with 19-year-old girls. When he turned 20, he still went out with 19-year-old girls. He kept getting older, but the shidduchim that he was “redt” continued to be 19-year-old girls. Now he is 24 and baruch Hashem just got engaged –to a 19-year old girl.” Sadly, women do not have this same recourse.

To rectify this inequity, a few concerned mothers brain stormed together and concluded that “shidduch resumes” (which never even existed as a concept when I was dating 35 years ago) fail to accurately capture the essence of the person being “summed up” and often–especially in the case of the girls– get lost in the shuffle. One organizer told me: “The boys’ mothers barely give the girls’ resumes a passing glance–they are so overwhelmed by the sheer numbers coming their way–and it becomes a daunting task to sift through them. And the resumes themselves are severely limiting. Can you really get a genuine sense of who the girl is from the resume? What does it tell you about her personality, her character, her intellect, her neshoma? It is demeaning to reduce a girl to a few sentences.”

The rationale underlying the new shidduch initiative was this: If eligible girls would be given personal and meaningful “face time” with prospective mother-in-laws, they would be able to present their qualities far more efficaciously than a cold and lifeless curriculum vitae.

Now for my full disclosure: I am the mother (baruch Hashem) of a great boy. He is continuously sought out, “in perpetual demand” (kinehora). I should be grateful that in shidduchim, he “wields the upper hand.” But as a woman who identifies with and feels great compassion for the throngs of girls in a parallel universe who are not being chased, I feel a little sad each time the fax machine cranks out yet another resume for my son. I know full well that there are fantastic girls out there who are his equals–perhaps even his superiors–who are NOT receiving comparable treatment. They are neither being hounded nor pursued half as vigorously as he, and they are denied the latitude of choices that he receives every day. I ache for their mothers who repeatedly call the shadchanim who never call back, but are visibly more responsive if you are the mother of a boy. Inwardly, I rail against the unfairness of it all (although the shadchanim are completely innocent of any wrongdoing, whatsoever; it is the system that is at fault– not they—the stark realities of supply and demand). Thinking of the mothers who do not have the privilege to wade through as many resumes as me, I try consciously not to revel in the continuous stream that cascade over my desk. I know how fortunate my son is, and I feel for those who aren’t.

So, when one of the extraordinary women who organized this event invited me to participate, I was actually reluctant to attend. Quite simply, there was no need. But because I like and respect this woman so much, and wanted to validate her efforts, I RSVP’d “Yes.”

“How are you going to work this?” I asked. “How are you going to ensure that all the girls get equal time? Are they not going to feel degraded? Is this process not going to end up even more demeaning than a resume?”

The organizer assured me that there would be facilitators on site who would introduce each girl to every mother. The facilitator would escort the mother to the tables where the girls sat, and be hyper-vigilant that no girl gets bypassed. I wondered how many girls would feel comfortable with this arrangement and actually show up, but as I said before, I wanted to support my acquaintance’s endeavor with my physical presence, so I went.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

851 Responses to “Purim And The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim”

  1. Dear Yitta Halberstam: I am ambivalent about your proposal. I certainly would hope that most girls these days would not suffer the kind of negative self-image that plagued you as a child. It's a tragedy. But times have changed – many young men thankfully also prefer the "natural look." I am very glad to see comments from guys like Chayim, below. He is (or was) obviously not the "skin-deep" kinda guy. Go, Chayim!

    HOWEVER, I think you are well-meaning, despite being misguided. But instead of complaining, just organize a makeover party for the young women. You and the other mothers, and even sisters, could serve hors-doevres and give each girl a fabulous makeover with professional makeup artists – along with beauty tips and a before and after photo session with a professional photographer. All the while, you could be chatting with the young women and laughing and enjoying the contact. Instead of suggesting they do it themselves, be proactive and organize an event like this! But forget the nose-jobs. And start thinking of yourself positively. Your son probably inherited your nose, after all – and I am sure he's cute, right? ;-)

  2. Bina Kha says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. May Hashem give you and your family strength and know that you have a angel in heaven watching over you and your family .

  3. Adriane Tick Meyers says:

    For all those defending the author's stance on how it's really no big deal to undergo the knife: please do some research first. "All forms of weight-loss surgery, including gastric bypass, are major procedures that can pose serious risks and side effects"-Mayo Clinic.com.

  4. and of course the nose job that ended a career (sorry Jennifer Grey) yep Jennie it is crazy, at least the comments show that her opinion is the extreme and shallow minority, as it should be

  5. Naamah Adelman says:

    This is still really annoying me: " I stood uneasily with some of the other mothers, waiting for the facilitators to arrive, making small talk. Most of the mothers with whom I conversed loved the idea, but I was deeply anxious about navigating the brief encounters: How to gently ferret out vital information from these sweet young ladies without making them feel interrogated, evaluated and ultimately…judged? (Which in fact was the case.) How to end the meeting in a tactful and kind way when it became clear that they weren’t for my son? Should I feign enthusiasm and interest after the crucial few seconds in which I had already made this determination to spare their feelings, or should I move on more quickly, to maximize the time I had left? My stomach churned. How do I dance this waltz without stepping on anyone’s shoes? I should have been thinking about my son, but all I could do was worry about the girls." ….she acts as if she even cares abt these girls….however…she openly admits to judging them…and then she is wondering how she will end the meeting "WHEN" it became clear that they werent for her son….just goes to show what i said above is true….no one will ever be good enough…before even meeting any of the girls she is thinking how she will end the conversation when it becomes clear rather than IF. She knows that none of these girls will be good enough! SO sad!!!!!!

  6. Adriane Tick Meyers says:

    @Ita, though I hear your point, I wouldn't compare orthodontics or optometry to cosmetic surgery. My eye doc recommends contacts over glasses because they offer better peripheral vision and can correct astigmatism better than glasses. Also, crooked teeth are commonly considered a major dental health issue. Many insurance companies do not cover anything considered cosmetic, but will cover braces.

  7. Talia Bessler says:

    this is so pathetic it sounds fake.

  8. Anonymous says:

    this article is 100% correct. all u super religious Jews need to start getting a clue. first impressions do count, and part of that is the presentation of the other person. why shouldn't women put on makeup? because we are still in the 10th century? its time to move on. I'm not saying you need to go buy the most expensive clothes but how about looking good for the person that you are trying to impress. a little make up here and there wont hurt anyone and no one will think you are any less religious because you take care of yourself. its about time someone from the community stood up and said something about this problem.

  9. Yonason Freund says:

    They were all staring at you beforehand as well.

  10. She may just be being "honest" but I'm really happy not to know this woman personally because after reading that I wouldn't be able to look at her as anything but shallow and kind of a b*tch.

  11. And honestly, I agree with one of the comments that the problem is not the sons, it's their mothers.

  12. Rachel Traurig says:

    Dear Yitta,
    I had the honor of visiting/knowing your relative in the hospital many years ago. She was so ill, yet one of the most beautiful women I have ever met. I remember to this day her radiance kept me coming back. Yet she was so ill and so frail. I kept coming. She was a Torah scholar and I loved her in the brief time I knew her. I am Kaf Zechut this is not true or an experiment to show something. If it is, please Hashem grant us a “BIG MIRACLE”. B/c the baseless hatred , desecration of g-ds name that has been created is dangerous and scary. I’m reading so many comments on so many pages….I remember your beautiful WOMAN relative on her deathbed, again her Torah was what captivated me. Please Create a BIG MIRACLE here of SHALOM.

  13. D.N. Singer says:

    Good grief. What a loathsome article. Poorly done, Yitta.

  14. Nice Guy says:

    this sounds alot like my friend's wife, he married a gorgious girl perfect in every way….then on the wedding night she took off her ears and put them on the table, he stood there in shock unable to move, then she took off her nose and put it on the table and then she took off other parts and put them on the table….frantic he called me and told me what was going on…and then he asked me….. "DO I SLEEP IN THE BED OR ON THE TABLE? "

  15. Nice Guy says:

    NO KIDDING>>>slim attractive girls 24 to 34 contact me…i got some nice looking guys (i am amateur shadchan only made 12 weddings (me and wife together)but would like to do some more….send profile and pictures to ashrei108@aol.com and if I have guy for you will send you his profile and pictures.

  16. Nisa Harris says:

    Noam Davidovics again I don't think its the system that encourages it, its this woman who herself has overcome self esteem issues that feels the need to try to help everyone else in the same way she helped herself. A totally normal reaction for her to have, I don't agree that everyone needs to do this but I understand why this person in particular has said it. And no I haven't seen her andit would prove her superficial point if I did trash her looks like everyone is to prove the point thy even nose jobs etc may not help. But she already has self esteem issues which is probably why we have these kinds of people thinking this way and writing these articles

  17. Lynn says:

    I am not seeing where anyone is minimizing the risks of surgery. If anything, people here are magnifying the risks of surgery. Gastric bypass is usually done on people who are poor surgical risks to begin with due to their size. Some of these people lose weight initially but eventually regain it. They can also suffer from twisted bowels and other intestinal issues which are dangerous and painful. There will inevitably be hanging skin all over the body that was stretched to capacity by the overweight condition but the skin does not shrink with the fat and there is nothing that will safely reduce the skin. It is usually employed as a last ditch effort when other efforts to reduce the person’s body weight has failed and their overall health is severely at risk. It is probably done more for medical reasons then to produce a shidduch.

  18. Sara Sassoon says:

    Chani Lazerowitz Melamed Amen.

  19. Sara Fae Astrin Englard says:

    There is nothing wrong with getting a good hairstyle, wearing some make-up, dressing nicely and possibly dieting however I think getting plastic surgery is going to the extreme.

  20. Eshet Chayil describes the ideal of a Jewish woman as one who is;positive, industrious, organized, financially responsible/savvy, charitable, dignified, wise, kind, and inspires her children and husband. There's nothing about a perfect face or body in there! Here's an idea so crazy it might just work-look for a spouse that has these character traits rather transient qualities.

  21. I know many makeup-less women (or "unattractive" according to the author), with big noses/more than a size 6/hair in a messy bun-ponytail who exude so much confidence that when they walk into a room they come across as drop dead gorgeous. Shouldn't we be focusing on and recognizing the fact that having major confidence is what makes a woman beautiful?

  22. :). that would be nice if you were right

  23. Yoni Weiss says:

    God forbid anyone discuss how MEN should be held to a specific standard of appearance! only women have to look a certain way. men: suit, tie, hat, gut, yellow teeth, good to go!

  24. Chayim Goldberg says:

    I'm so sorry to hear your story. Hopefully we can all work together to put a stop to the pressure that caused such a tragedy. Hopefully we can all learn a lesson from your daughter's death and we can help those currently in peril in her name. Perhaps an educational movement can be started in your daughter's name to council teens and young adults in positive imaging and the perils of eating disorders? I'm sure there are readers out there with either professional experience or personal experience who would be interested in helping.

  25. Jessi Franco says:

    Hshem should comfort you and make the author retract this misguided advice

  26. Naomi Kraus says:

    I'd like to think so, but I can't believe it. And even if it was, the reaction that so many people here are having indicates to me that if it is satire, it's so close to reality as to not matter.

  27. Lice Nurse says:

    …and most other things – no? I think having every girl in shiduchim explore all of the surgical and cosmetic options available is a bit over the top but I don't see why a stick of lipstick is beyond the scopeproper hishtadlus. :).

  28. Lice Nurse says:

    …and most other things – no? I think having every girl in shiduchim explore all of the surgical and cosmetic options available is a bit over the top but I don't see why a stick of lipstick is beyond the scope of proper hishtadlus. :).

  29. Wow. Just…wow.
    I once read that by age 17, most people have a pretty good idea of where they fall on the attractiveness scale, and consequently who they can hope to attract as a mate. The problem in the Orthodox community is that this is so skewed to favor the men that an average-nerdy looking guy can reasonably expect to marry a far more attractive girl. And we're not only talking about looks. We're talking about the whole package.
    So if the average guys are getting the above average girls, where does that leave the average-looking girl (who is not willing to invest thousands of dollars and hours to turn herself into a swan)?
    I'm not asking for myself. I found my match. But I did it by going outside my community to find someone who was raised with a much healthier set of values regarding how to interact with, assess and appreciate women. My advice to single girls is this: Widen your pool of potential mates to include those who will value the totality of who you are. There are men (and mother-in-laws) out there who will not look at you and see a To Fix list, but rather a person who's perfect just as you are.

  30. To the grieving mom, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss and I wish that well meaning advice dispensers, like the author of the article, were better educated about the potential results of their recommendations and the statistics about what happens to girls who believe that they are not good enough to be loved, the way they are. On the other hand, I see that you wrote your letter anonymously and that reality highlights another, very deep, issue that can't be ignored. Your message is SOOO powerful and because there is such shame/pain in acknowledging these kinds of illnesses, young women often don't realize just how frequently they happen, how dangerous they are and sometimes, how irreversible.Even when we talk about anorexia, it's anonymously. Girls think their friends are hospitalized for "medical issues" and not for following dangerous advice they thought would help them to achieve happiness. Girls often think they will be anorexic, just for a little, if that's what it takes, and then they will stop. They think it's l'shem shamayim. You know firsthand, that it doesn't work like that and that a shadchan's careless words can literally destroy the life of sensitive and anxious young women they only want to help. I applaud your openness and what must have been a heartbreaking piece to write and share- I only wish that the world could be more supportive of you and of your daughter, while she was alive and struggling, so that you wouldnt be suffering anonymously and so that your daughter may have had a fighting chance.

  31. Azi Graber says:

    steve.stein56 sir, this is my summation of what is occurring here: after many years of being sheltered and only associating with like minded people you have encountered someone who doesn't agree with you. This is novel, and shocking, and scary. If you are right how can I not agree with you, you are asking yourself. Your belief system is being threatened and therefore your mind triggers a protection mechanism wherein you attack my character in order to associate my opinion with said bad character. Its a textbook case.

    The only problem is your arguments are faulty, they are straw men arguments, since nothing you say about me is true or based on any particular knowledge you possess.

    You brain is doing this to you, I dont feel upset, its not your fault.

  32. Hannah Sealine Bacharach says:

    Yitta, I'll start with your most outrageous statement- "….how to end the meeting in a tactful and kind way when it became clear they weren't for my son. Should I feign enthusiasm and interest after the crucial few seconds in which I had already made this determination"? So it took you "seconds" to determine the girl wasn't for your son? What you must mean is that it took you seconds to determine whether the girl was pretty enough for your son. What more can be determined in such a short amount of time? Does your son posses this power as well? Does he size up the girl in seconds? Should every girl he's gone out with consider herself lucky to have him sit through an entire date? After all it should only take seconds to determine that she is/isn't pretty enough. I don't know if you mentioned your son is a learning boy, but I would say if his priorities are as shallow as yours, he's probably has been wasting his time.

  33. Chaya Rachel Nv says:

    Amen, sista!

  34. I was surprised to see this in the Jewish Press and not the Beacon.

  35. Chanah-Rivka Notyourbizness says:

    You are correct in every way. However, we must not diminish our need, right, and desire to be beautiful. It is said that when H-shem sent us the Manna in the desert, he also sent some sort of beauty supplies for the women. And also don't forget, that when, at the height of our poverty and burden in Egypt, the women took those copper mirrors to beautify themselves to gain back the favor of their husbands who had lost hope. H-shem felt this was so precious, he commanded we use that same copper for the Kelim in the Mishkan. Our beautification is an important act; one worthy of the redemption of our people. It is a kiddush H-shem!

  36. Chanah-Rivka Notyourbizness says:

    I think it is very sick and wrong that such a mitzvah as beatifying ourselves in a Kiddush H-shem has to be lowered to such a level as what the shadachan did in your story.It should certainly never be about something so shallow as sexual attraction. In that light, I agree with you. We need to focus our attention to beautifying the mitzvah of beautifying our selves. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. It is my hope that this article isn't recieved in that way. I have to say, I'm not sure I understand the connection she makes to Purim, and her approach sounds a little crass. If she is, indeed, talking about physical issues that have to do with self esteem, then she is sorely misguided. It would seem everyone agrees with that.

  37. Chanah-Rivka Notyourbizness says:

    G-d forbid it should be like that! These women, mothers, who feel this way about their son's prospective wives must feel incredibly low about themselves, and must not have a true understanding of their own value as women. That's the saddest part. I don't like how you said "mothers need to lower their standards". You are not a lower standard. You are an Ayshes Chayil! And so are we all! We're the ones who will bring Moshiach!

  38. This is perhaps the most vile and disturbing article I have read in the Jewish Press.

  39. I wear make up about 3 times a year, to the occasional wedding if I feel like it. And guess what. I got married last year (at 22) to the perfect guy. And you know what he says whenever I wear make up? "You look nice, but I like you much better without it." And I guarantee this holds true for most young girls.

    As for the elective surgery that you highly recommend: A sweet but self conscious 16 year old girl in my community went in for a nose job last year. She never woke up from her surgery. She died on the table.
    She was a beautiful girl and her nose was just fine. The pressure to be beautiful nowadays is too much. So many people's lives were ruined because society convinced this girl that she was ugly (and trust me, she wasn't). I'm sure if she could, she would tell all young girls to be happy with what God gave them and to appreciate and enjoy their lives.

    There are a lot of beautiful people in hollywood that have really screwed up relationships and marriages. And there are many average looking folk that have great lives.
    Yes I know it must be shocking to you, but ugly people can be happy too. If your son marries an average-looking girl, his life isn't ruined. Maybe you should try accepting one of the less attractive girls' resumes for once. I think you'd be surprised with how many other wonderful qualities a girl can have that have nothing to do with her appearance. These will stay with her throughout her life, into old age, when even models aren't beautiful. Just give it a try.

  40. Chanah-Rivka Notyourbizness says:

    You have just demonstrated the true art of giving the benefit of the doubt. Thank you for teaching us all a valuable lesson.

  41. Chanah-Rivka Notyourbizness says:

    I understand why this article makes you angry. But, you are only engaging in baseless hatred. It's not healthy for you or for klal yisroel.

  42. Pnina Wellerstein says:

    Well-said!

  43. Bill Ze'ev Felsen says:

    If you don't mind slightly racy language, look to the lyrics for 'Dance: Ten; Looks: Three" for my comment on this article.

  44. Yonatan Oliver says:

    lol

  45. Yonatan Oliver says:

  46. David Lerner says:

    alefbais2000 Hello Mr/Ms no-name
    Re: Talmudic quote.[I don't plan on stabbing anyone with a spear, thank you very much. :)]
    Re: support groups. I do participate in online support networks for people who've left or are in the process of leaving. I wish I could do more.

    As for my personal life, that's none of your business. If you don't have the courage to sign your name, don't bother me with questions about my life.

  47. David Lerner says:

    David Weiss Depends on what you're looking for, doesn't it. I want educated women who are worldly, Shidduch system would be a waste of my time.

  48. Vomit! Feh! There is something very wrong with this woman, and sadly I'm sure she's in good company.

  49. Chayim Goldberg says:

    @ Chanah-Rivka Notyourbizness – I totally agree with you. God created us, man and woman, with instinctive attraction to certain features. Additionally, there are societal norms of beauty which, whether we like it or not, have crept into our psyche and defined for us the features we desire in the opposite sex. It's just that the author seems to take out her own insecurity with her own looks on single women and thinks that its their own own fault they are single because they don't slather on make up, like the author does.

  50. ציפי שרף says:

    Don't be surprised if that long "list" you had for your son disappears very soon.

  51. Shawn Ruby says:

    Saw this yesterday. I still can't believe it was written seriously. It must be tongue in cheek, right? right? Please tell me I'm right…

  52. Sarah Kats says:

    "no holiday demonstrates this better than Purim.." actually Esther fasted 3 days before going to the king…Wadya think she looked like then?

  53. i loved the small miracles books, and i cannot even begin to believe the same person wrote that article. the truth is, guys are VERY shallow and often will not get to know someone on the inside if they're not attracted to the outside. but, for the rare guy who actually wants to connect with someone on a deeper level, it seems it's the mothers that are screwing it all up. i know what she's trying to say, but she really took it too far. i love what you wrote and i am so, so saddened to hear about the girl who died in surgery. we're all victims of this society. it's truly pathetic.

  54. Granted that your husband is a wonderful person; however from the times I've seen you, you have a perfect complection that people would kill for. You're one of the lucky few who have that; therefore, putting on makeup for you is a secondary notion at best. For others, it may take a little bit of brushing up before they look more than presentable. Necessary? Not always, but nice most of the time.

  55. Agreed. Men should be attracted to their wives (and vice versa.) But at least let the guy go on the date and meet the girl, as opposed to the mothers seeing the girl and deciding whether or not she's good enough. How many guys really have the same taste in girls as their mothers do?

    I agree that when going on a first date, everyone should look good, because first impressions are important, but she definitely took this way too far. One sentence about it would have been enough. She wrote a few paragraphs. She just kept digging herself into a deeper hole. At first I was sort of agreeing with what she was saying, but the more I read the more I doubted her. After I read the comment about the girl who redid her entire body but baruch hashem at least she's married! etc… I couldn't possibly take a word of the article seriously.
    Also she totally missed the message of megillat esther.

  56. And thanks Sim. I appreciate that. And I agree that some people need makeup more than others. But we're young girls. I just can't agree that most girls my age NEED to wear make up. Maybe we will when we're older. But not in our 20s.

  57. Shira Cohen says:

    I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you shared, I also felt that this article would illicit a dangerous response. I hope that the women of my generation and those younger can rise above this insane, unhealthy and destructive attitude of our society but I am not sure that we can. I wish this article were the view of one women but as you point out it isn't. I love being frum and I hope to one day raise a frum family but times like this make me want to discard my faith if just to give up the pain that is involved in the dating process.I thank you for having the strength to share and I hope that the author of the article will hear your sincerity and retract her hurtful words.

  58. I think that all Jewish girls have a special beauty that spirituality gives them. I think that there is a soulmate for everyone, or a bashert in Yiddish. Yes, there are girls that I consider less attractive than others. However, I have never seen a Jewish girl that I consider ugly. Most religious and many irreligious Jewish girls are very focused on character traits, acts of kindness, and community involvement. I have seen an equal number of girls would be considered more attractive to those who are less attractive married. I do believe that girls should dress up a little for a date, after all the guy sadly will probably spend a lot of time as well trying to look his best. I personally go out on dates wearing a nice shirt and a pair of nice pants, that's about it. Oh and one of my beautiful pairs of Nikes, either my Jordans or my Griffeys. However the Author's comments about the girls in the meeting room is just strange. The girls are not dating Ms. Halberstam. They are not on an actual date. Maybe the nice girls are expecting the author to treat them with a little dignity and respect. How naive. Shadchanim (which is Hebrew for matchmaker) as they are known in Orthodox Judaism are unfortunately among the worst stereo-typists in the world. They are too often a symptom of the shidduch crisis rather than a panacea for said crisis. I personally feel that the shadchanim have way too much power and are poorly trained, or completely untrained, and will often say cruel things to girls. You can tell a guy that has a big nose that his nose is too big and he will probably punch you. After that he'll be ok. Tell a girl that she is too fat/ugly/stupid/crazy/bad personality/immodest/big nose/small nose/big ears/small ears/ etc. even if these things are completely untrue and she will likely develop physical and/or emotional dysfunctions if she hears it enough. And you see that this can scar a girl even from one nasty comment as the mother above pointed out. Do you know that a bulimic girl can develop gastroparesis, a condition where the girl can no longer eat and must use a jejunostomy tube to obtain nutrition? Also, what's up with the use of the term "crucified" in an Orthodox Jewish paper? Geez.

  59. Shoshi DuBrow says:

    While I appreciate your honesty and sincerity, and I agree that the girls should have made more of an attempt to make themselves more presentable, I don't agree with your theory that improving their looks is the solution to getting more and better shidduchim. As a young girl going through the shidduch scene I was always atoll I was beautiful ( I am tall and naturally slim, and I did present myself well). In addition I was told I was smart, and special, a real catch, an amazing person,…and all this was from people outside my family, even the shadchanim themselves. And yet, somehow, I never got the "good guys", I was never recommended the "A-list" guys, only the "rejects" boys who were already older (27+) or more recent baal teshuvahs…even boys who turned out to have some serious issues. Being beautiful, wearing makeup and flattering classy clothes, didn't help at all. My family had no yichus and no money, so that was it, I wasn't worth the good guys. I definitely don't think telling girls to go get plastic surgery so the boys will find them more attractive is a solution.

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
Photo: Rotter.net / Tikonist
Live Updates: Ashdod Shul Hit by Rocket (Latest Update: 5:28 pm)
Latest Sections Stories
Teens-082214

As they fall upon us we go
To the WALL.

Twenties-082214-Girls

One minute you’re shaving shwarma off a pit, then the shwarma guy tells you he read a (fake) WhatsApp that the boys are dead.

Lewis-082214-Gaon

I probe a little deeper and Shula takes me into the world of phantom pains and prosthetic limbs.

Astaire-082214-Main

This went on until she had immersed eighty times, and then Hashem at last took pity upon her.

Because Menachem lives in Israel, he can feel the ruach in the air.

Perhaps you can reach a compromise during this news frenzy, whereby you will feel more comfortable while he can still follow the latest events.

Leon experienced the War of Independence from a soldier’s perspective, while remaining true to his Jewish ideals and beliefs.

Chabad of Arizona centers recently hosted an evening of remembrance to mark the 20th yahrzeit of the Lubavitcher Rebbe.

A CPE class at Kingsbrook Jewish Medical Center in Brooklyn was tailor made for Orthodox participants.

“I didn’t choose the landscape; it chose me.”

Woe to us that we have to be put to death like common heathen and murderers!

More Articles from Yitta Halberstam
Mandlebaum-031612

I know I’m going to be crucified, but if the appeal I make below helps even one girl in shidduchim, then it will be worth all the fury and outrage that shall inevitably descend upon my soon-to-be beleaguered head.

    Latest Poll

    Do you think the FAA ban on US flights to Israel is political?






    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/purim-and-the-tyranny-of-beauty-a-plea-to-mothers-of-girls-in-shidduchim/2012/03/19/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: