Part 20 – At Risk Parents, At Risk Children

When parents come to talk to me about a troubled child or teenager, I often find it helpful to explore whether or not their marriage is causing at-risk issues in their home.

Don’t Stop Believing

You never want someone to feel compelled to marry you because a certain number of dates have passed and he feels bad, or to move toward marriage if he does not feel thrilled to be doing so.

Money Values

In marriage, money tends to mean different things to different people. Unfortunately, for some, money repre­sents more than economic security. It becomes a symbol for CPR — Control, Power and (self) Respect.

Recession And Domestic Violence

The country's economic indicators may be falling, but incidents of domestic violence are rising.

Part 7 – Individuality in Marriage

One of the most powerful dimensions of a successful marriage is a couple's ability to keep focused on each other's good points and unique personality traits. Too often, people become fixated on the negative. They "sweat over the small stuff," and forget about the positive points that brought them together in the first place.

Part 21 – Therapy For Marriage And Parenting Issues

There are some marital issues that are too sensitive for a couple to handle alone. These issues might include mistrust; lack of marital satisfaction; conflict involving in-laws, friends, siblings, and children; verbal abuse; and so on. When dealing with such problems, the best course is to ask a professional outside party for advice and opinions.

Dear Dr. Yael

I kept quiet because I would have screamed if I had opened my mouth, This happened three weeks ago and since then I haven't called my parents.

Empathize With Your Spouse

To feel loved and nurtured your spouse needs to feel that you empathize with his or her emotions. The key is empathy. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy or pity. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what he feels and see what he sees, without losing yourself in the process.

Dear Dr. Yael

I so wish my husband respected and appreciated me for what I do...

Remedies For Sleeping Disorders

Sleep Terror Disorder generally occurs early in the sleep cycle, usually in the first third of the night during stage 3 or 4 NREM (non-rapid eye movement) sleep – during delta waves, the slowest and highest amplitude brain waves, as opposed to during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep.

Freshly Brewed

It is time to move on. What he hopes for or wants at this point is not your concern and only time will tell for him.

Forgiven But Not Forgotten

There is something about an approaching wedding that can cause a state of emotional upheaval. This should be of no surprise. In most cases, marriage reflects two sets of personalities; the chassan's and the kallah's. The parents too are involved. They produce a relationship that is more than the sum total of themselves. This relationship includes their family, and yet a separation is about to take place for both parent and child.

Dear Dr. Yael

Keeping communication open is very important. This is crucial for all children, so you can detect any issues or problems early on.

Ignoring The Hurtful Comments Of Others

Dear Dr. Yael: I am, Baruch Hashem a happily married woman of 10 years with two children. As I am trying to expand my family, it seems that Hashem has other plans for me (my husband and I have not been able to conceive another child). Of course we want more children, but we can only do our hishtadlus and leave the rest up to Hashem.

Being Enmeshed: Insights Into Concurrently Holding On And Letting Go

I once heard a story about a single man struggling to find a spouse. His main challenge was his insistence that a potential mate permanently welcome his widowed mother into their marital home. A friend suggested that he speak with the great authority, Harav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach zt’l. The man shared with the Rav his delicate predicament. The Rav validated the man’s approach as acceptable. Sometime later, the man met his bashert, the special woman willing to live with his mom. They returned to Rav Shlomo Zalman for his blessing. Surprisingly, the Rav called the man aside and told him that they cannot live with his mother anymore. The young man was shocked. After all, on the previous visit, the Rav had supported his desire to find a woman who would accept their living with his mother.

Dear Dr. Yael

I am so sorry about what happened to you and to your family. Please don’t feel guilty. You had no idea this would happen.

Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

Cheating on a spouse is a terrible betrayal. Yes, sadly, it is quite common, but that doesn’t erase the devastation and pain it causes. The discovery of cheating almost always comes on the heels of extreme lying. The big question always is, how can the one cheated on ever trust again? It is logical and practical to think that once a spouse has cheated, there is no reason to assume it would not occur time and again.

Dear Dr. Yael

Finding a therapist is like finding a shidduch.

After The Honeymoon ‘Love At First Sight’

In fact Hashem sets up couples that have opposite traits as an opportunity for each to help, learn, and heal the other.

Ferberizing

We always hear from well meaning people to read Dr. Gerber and to FERBERIZE him, but this method just doesn’t seem appropriate for us.

To Polish A Diamond

Rav Ezriel Tauber says that a husband and wife are like two rough diamonds. A rough diamond can become a priceless, pure jewel, but only if another diamond is used to remove the impurities. So HaKadosh Boruch Hu puts together two perfectly matched rough diamonds. He makes sure that they have their little differences. The friction from these differences scrapes away at their impurities so they gradually become multi-faceted, pure, shining jewels.

Dear Dr. Yael

Their constant favoring of our family only breeds jealousy and hostility.

EFGT-Group Therapy: Improving Yourself And Your Relationships

Most people know that in therapy they will be asked to talk in depth about their personal lives and to describe their day-to-day struggles with specific people, whether it is with spouses, family members, bosses or neighbors, etc. They are therefore surprised to learn that this is not permitted in EFGT.

‘Majority Rules’ – The Bum Class

In my last article, I discussed the topic of "teens at risk." We have always had "teens at risk" within our yeshiva system, but they were segregated and referred to as the "bum class." This class was separated from the mainstream students, and given its own separate rebbe to provide support services. The success of this system was due to the fact that yeshivas followed the Torah con­cept that "majority rules".

WE vs. ME Couples

My father-in-law spent over thirty-five years as a circuit court judge. He noticed that some clients paid teams of lawyers only to be poorly represented. He noted in these cases that, "the lawyers are so busy arguing with each other that nobody's arguing the case." There was an absence of cohesiveness and the ego driven fighting rendered the team ineffective.

Part 13 – Reducing Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior may be the #1 reason that your marriage needs first aid. If you are unfamiliar with the topic of control, it’s no surprise. Most people are unaware that control is a major topic for counselors, therapists and psychologists-at-large, which until recently has not entered into the public’s attention.

Dear Dr. Yael

It appears that you are afraid of your own child. However, by doing nothing, you are hurting your son's ability to merit Olam HaBa.

Dear Dr. Yael

If the daughter-in-law learns to change her reaction and validates the criticism in a positive way, the mother-in-law will likely not know how to respond.

The Frustrating Search For A Shidduch

Who created the current rules of dating? Why must the guy always pick up the girl by car, and pay for tolls, gas, etc., if things are not guaranteed to work out? After all, I may not be attracted to the girl, or our personalities may not click; thus, it turns out to be a waste of money and time for me.

Dear Dr. Yael

Each year, he explodes in anger at me and our children for no good reason, other than that he is physically and mentally exhausted and drained.

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Printed from: https://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/part-20-at-risk-parents-at-risk-children/2009/06/26/

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