Dear Dr. Yael,
I read the letter to the editor about punitive punishments and suppression with surprise, as that is not how I understood the original article.
It seems to me that the parents who took the phone away from their daughter after seeing an inappropriate text on it are thinking parents who do discuss things with their child. They also seem to be slightly more progressive than the school their daughter attends. Yet, they didn’t just ignore the rules when they thought their daughter needed a cell phone, they discussed it with the principal and received permission.
They also knew that their daughter was having difficulty checking voice messages and the mother was simply confirming that she had received the message; they were not purposely snooping on her and invading her privacy. When they took the phone away, it seems to me that it wasn’t so much of a punishment, but more of a “this did not work out.
Of course, their daughter was upset. But I would hope she realizes that her parents went above and beyond to get her the phone with the school’s consent and that she did not handle things appropriately. The phone was clearly a privilege and it’s important for teenagers to learn about consequences, accountability and trust.
Obviously, the issue of the language being used in the text is something that has to be addressed as well; I am not glossing over it, but it is not the focus of my letter.
Our children must know that we look out for them and love them enough to do what is necessary, even when it is difficult. When we do that with love, there will come a time when our children will look back and appreciate our actions. I personally admire how these parents handled the situation. They were open-minded enough not to blindly follow the system, yet not too close-minded to refuse to admit their mistake.
There is one option I would like to share with parents. About five years ago, our youngest had what we decided was a legitimate need for a cell phone. We found a plan called Kajeet. The plan offers parents control. For example, they can set up a list of specific numbers which the phone can call or receive calls from, it can block other numbers and even set times when the phone can’t be used – like not during school or after certain hours. There is also a setting for exceptions – for example, lifting a late night restriction while on a trip.
We discussed this option with our daughter, who was not thrilled, but was happy she was getting a phone and that we heard and understood her needs. After reading the letter from the mother, I asked my daughter how she had felt about using the plan. She said it had been annoying but okay.
Thank you for your column and the ability to air these important issues.
HRL
Dear HRL,
I appreciate your letter and its take on the situation. However, in defense of the person who sent the letter to the editor, there are issues relating to privacy and boundaries that we must discuss with our children. They need to know that we respect them and their space so as not to lose their trust and damage our relationships.
Last week we discussed the differences between authoritative parenting and other modalities. The conclusion research has given us is that authoritative is the best method. In it parents maintain a loving, respectful relationship with their child, yet set appropriate boundaries and consequences. Parenting is a very challenging job and balance is so important.
Thank you for the information about the phone plan and your view on parenting. Hatzlocha!