Photo Credit: Jewish Press

Dear Dating Coach,

I consider myself to be fairy intelligent and I have been known to have a certain sarcastic sense of humor. Not everyone appreciates my jokes or viewpoint, but it is important to me that the girl I date have a similar sardonic take on the world. My family thinks that I am being unreasonable and too specific in my request, but I have dated lots of girls with a more conventional sense of humor and we have not connected past a few dates. I think if a girl got my sarcastic sense of humor, I will have met my match! Why is that unreasonable?


Sarcastic Style


Dear Style,

Forgive me, but I am compelled to refer to the sage and wise words of Olaf. (Yes, this is a Frozen reference. I already apologized.) As a snowman, he yearns desperately for summer, sure that he will thrive and flourish in the hot sun. With tremendous sense and good judgment, he professes, “Winter’s a good time to stay in and cuddle, but put me in summer, and I’ll be a …Happy Snowman!” You can trust Olaf with all of your burning questions (no pun intended) as he is clearly the brains behind that whole franchise.


My Heart Wants Chocolate…

Thank you for reaching out. You have a specific sense of humor, which you call sarcastic, and others may refer to as cynical, mocking, or derisive. Sarcasm often cloaks itself under the guise of “funny” to camouflage an insensitive comment, or hurtful remark. We hope of course that your brand of sarcasm is not cutting and just perhaps, “wit with a bite.” At best, this is still a harsher sense of humor than most are used to in their everyday interactions.


But My Pants Are Yelling…

It is wonderful to have shared characteristics with our partners. Moreover, I believe that similarities unite couples and shared personality traits allows for a smoother and more cohesive connection. Yet we all have small parts of us that don’t showcase us in the best light. Bits and pieces that when highlighted detract from our positive qualities. These behaviors and individual habit are still a part of who we are and can be honed to emphasize our goodness as a whole.


“For Your Heart…

Sometimes, however, “sarcasm” is exacerbated when bolstered by “sarcasm.” Suddenly a hint of wit becomes a host of hurt and malice. This is true of any of our questionable habits that fester with encouragement, showcasing us in a less flattering light. Instead, we do our best to connect with those who reflect our most positive characteristics and who highlight our special gifts. We want to spend our time with those who inspire us to be our best selves, and marrying someone who does that allows us that prize forever.


Eat a Salad!”

Consider, instead, looking for a girl who understands your unique sense of humor but has a softer approach to a joke than you do. This does not make her less “clever.” It makes her more careful. This might be a warm counterbalance to your sense of wit. Certainly, you want to date and marry a girl who appreciates your smarts, but “summer” is not good for everyone, even if we yearn for it.


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Henni Halberstam is a Dating and Marriage Coach whose expert advice will help you navigate dating and relationships in order to ensure a successful marriage. You can contact her at to schedule a phone session.