Surviving Bullying, Silencing And Torment For Being Gay In The Frum Community
Latest update: August 21st, 2012
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Photo Credit: © Katja Heinemann/Aurora Select, courtesy of the Southern Poverty Law Center
It’s been more than six months since The Jewish Press published an op-ed titled “Orthodox Homosexuals and the Pursuit of Self Indulgence.” In the article, the writer, while not mentioning my name, calls me shameless and self-indulgent and suggests that I learn to suffer in silence. He was referring to an anti-suicide video I made for the “It Gets Better” project. In the YouTube video I talk about the endless bullying in my childhood, the trauma of reparative therapy and my suicide attempt as a result of a frum community that seemed to not want me to exist simply because I was gay.
My message was that, with time, with understanding friends and with self-acceptance, it gets better. I hoped to tell other kids who may be on the brink of suicide to stick it out, because life gets better; even for gay Jews growing up in the Orthodox community. This video never talks about private behavior, never mentions any assur activity, and certainly does not divulge anything about what I do behind closed doors. However, simply because I talk about how I was bullied for being gay, the author tried to make me feel horrible for simply sending a message of hope. He succeeded in embarrassing me and making me feel unwanted by this community.
I wish I could say that this is the exception. But the truth is that despite the fact that I would never talk publicly about private personal behavior or engaging in sin, the frum world seems to see me as part of a “gay agenda” simply because I won’t stay quiet.
My name is Chaim Levin. I grew up in a heimishe family in Crown Heights. I love my mother, my father and my family. I had always felt different and was the subject of relentless bullying by other boys for “seeming” gay. When I was 17 I confided to a friend that I was attracted to men and not sexually attracted to women at all. When it came out, I was thrown out of yeshiva. For the longest time I felt so alone because I truly believed that I was the only person battling this secret war. My older siblings were getting married and having kids, and all I ever wanted was to be a part of the beautiful world my parents had raised me in. My dream was to marry a woman and live the life my family hoped and dreamed for me. I would never have chosen to be gay; I could not imagine anyone growing up in the Orthodox world who would choose to be someone who doesn’t fit into the values and norms of everyone around them.
So do I think that I was “born gay”? I don’t know and I am not sure how important that is. What is important is that it certainly is not something that I chose or had anything to do with. And I felt immense pressure to somehow change who I was.
After much time and research I found a well-known organization that “specialized” in reparative therapy. This organization had endorsements from a wide range of rabbanim and I was sure that it was the answer to all my problems. The organization’s executive director told me that he believes everyone can change if they simply put in the hard work. I would have done anything to change, and this message was just the hope I was looking for. I spent two years attending every group meeting, weekend, and individual life coaching sessions they offered. My parents and I paid thousands of dollars. Every day, every session, I was working and waiting to feel a shift in my desires or experience authentic change. That moment never came. I didn’t change, I never developed any sexual desire for women, and never stopped being attracted to men. Instead, I only felt more and more helpless because I wasn’t changing. The organization and its staff taught us that change only comes to those who truly want it and are willing to put in the work. So if I wasn’t changing, I was seen as someone who either really didn’t sincerely want it, or would not put in the necessary work. In other words, there was no one to blame but myself.
The worst part of my experience in reparative therapy came at the end. In a locked office, alone with my unlicensed “life coach,” I was told to undress, stand in front of the counselor and do things too graphic to describe in this article. I was extremely uncomfortable, but he said that I must do this for the sake of changing and that if I didn’t remove my clothing I wouldn’t be doing the work it takes to achieve change. I would do anything to change, and so I did what he asked me to do. It was probably the most traumatizing experience of my life.
tell a friendAbout the Author: The author can be reached at magazine@jewishpress.com
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207 Responses to “Surviving Bullying, Silencing And Torment For Being Gay In The Frum Community”
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I would like to hear what Chaim has to say about this new document which challenges his assertions about healing from unwanted SSA.
Web zine for Response to Levin: An Open Letter To Chaim Levin
and Other “Gay Orthodox” Advocates
http://www.torahdec.org/OpenLetter.aspx
What is so sad about the Torah Dec (JONAH’s) response letter is that it doesnt even deny or mention chaim’s main point…that Chaim was abused at JONAH! I mean, he claims an unlicenced “ex gay” life coach pressured him into undressing and touching himself!!! this is sick, irresponsible and harm. Not only that, but others have come forward with the same experience at JONAH and at reparative therapists. This is the crux of Chaim’s point, and the Torah dec just ignores it. Very Telling.
It doesnt matter if JONAH helped other people, you can not help one on the backs of hurting another…this is FIRST DO NO HARM. Something JONAH would know if the counselor was a licensed professional.
Plus the problem with the Torah dec is not that it says some people can change…but erroneously asserts that ALL PEOPLE CAN AND MUST CHANGE (in reparative therapy). This is what is so harmful.
It is no wonder that so many of the signers of this Dec have now come out publicly against it, and want their name off it. My own rabbi is one of those people, and the Torah Dec people (JONAH) refuses to take any names off. This is the shandah. So instead this Dec is being publicly ridiculed and ignored…what a chillul hashem.
Thank you Chaim and the Jewish Press for your bravery and standing up for what is so obvioudly real yiddishe values. Truth, Compassion, and menshlichness.
Shame on JONAH and their silly Torah Dec. The RCA statement and the Statement of Principles are much more logical and helpful.
JONAH does not deny that some of the therapeutic processes involve undressing. This is also the case for other programs such as The New Warriors, which are not affiliated with JONAH and not geared specifically towards healing SSA. As for touching himself, I don’t know exactly what transpired and I certainly wouldn’t put it past Chaim to exaggerate or outright lie, given the other liberties he has taken with the truth.
Calling Chaim’s experience “abuse” is about as accurate as calling an unwanted stare “rape”. As a consenting adult, Chaim entered into a therapeutic process which he terminated unilaterally as soon as it didn’t proceed as he wished. This is abuse?!
Show me a direct quote from the Torah Declaration that says “ALL PEOPLE CAN AND MUST CHANGE (in reparative therapy)”. We are dealing with a touchy subject where passions burn intensely, so you must be very careful with your claims. Who is your rabbi? Where has he publicly come out against the Torah Declaration?
As they say, put up (some factual information) or shut up.
Another ivery important factor that Chaim has also not taken into account is that, usually, to grow and become healthier, we do need to go through “growing pains”, and feel discomfort; Discomfort is not necessarily bad, it can lead to understand and become aware of new things and move on. I feel discomfort when I started going to the chiropractor a few years back when my back pains were excruciating; He showed to me a chart and he warned me I was going to be in more deep pain for the next months but then gradualy things were going to become better; My emotional, spiritual and psychological journey has been similar. I see it so many times, the guy who going into SSA healing (aka. reparative therapy) and instead of keep coming and feel the pain, they freak out and leave, then they go out to the world (such as Chaim) crying they were abused, it didn’t worked and it won’t work for anyone and gay is the only way to live. Well, I see that as totally wrong. I am completely convinced that if Chaim continued his healing he was going to see the light, and maybe it was going to take 3 monre years of constant work, maybe he had to change psychotherapists, maybe he had to go to a New Warriors weekend, maybe he needed a mentor or join a sports team, who knows, there are so many htings to do there… I totally empathize with his bulying pain as my own bullying was soooo terrible, truly painful, but, through reparative therapy I truly start feeling like a real, heterosexually-challenged man, like any other human being with a challenge, not a sad victim, not feminine, not different. My brothers in New Warriors and in JONAH had been of invaluable support for me, and I wouldn’t change their friendship for anything. I repeat myself: definitely, if not because of JONAH and NARTH I would probably have killed myself once and for all years ago. I thank them infinitely, don’t have enough words to d this, because, despite still suffering from some same-sex attraction, it is not even close to where it was, I am alive, I am a happy man and still on my journey, which so many others give up in no time…
I think this convo finally started to get honest.
Here we really have one Org: JONAH (Torah Dec) believing in unlicensed ex-gay life coaches pressuring clients to undress and touch their genitalia in locked rooms while the coach looks on. They believe that this is an acceptable way to try to change ones orientation. Some commentators even mitigated this by saying its “necessary discomfort”.
As an MSW and a father and an Orthodox Jew I am appalled by this practice. It has not place in a professional therapeutic environment. It definitely harms some, and thus goes against the basic tenant of “first do no harm”. It also is the height of irresponsibility, and frankly is just disgusting. The fact that some people can pretend that this is not a big deal, or blame the victims of this terrible process (reported by multiple Jonah survivors) is just reprehensible.
Even if some say they have been helped by this, the professional approach is not to help some on the backs of hurting others.
Even more disturbing is the “Torah Dec” saying that the ONLY acceptable approach to homosexuals is change therapy. and on the bottom of every web page of the Torah Doc it says Change is MANDATED by the Torah. This runs directly in the face of science and thousands of experiences who testify that change is not possible for them when it comes to orientation. While it may be an option for some with a more fluid sexuality, saying that there is one approach to everyone is misguided and bad therapy.
Luckily, many Rabbis and Therapists have publicly said that they do not agree with the whole Torah Doc as written and regret signing it as presented: Rabbi Fuerman, Dr Sorotzkin, Rabbi Fuerst, Rabbi Feiner, Rabbi Twersky and many more.
What is more encouraging is that dealing with my sons Yeshiva and frum therapist, it was assured to me that this TorahDec is being seen as a cynical political posturing and not something being taken seriously in the Frum world. This can probably explain why it had almost no coverage by mainstream Orthodoxy or it’s press. Unlike the RCA statement on the matter or the Statement of Principles.
But I am actually not that surprised by the TorahDec, It was spearheaded by the same Rabbi who paskened that Victims of abuse should go to rabbis before the police. This view has been repudiated by mainstream Orthodoxy. The TorahDec thinks along the same lines.
So far I have not found one of the Signers who say that what happened to Chaim (and Benjy and others) at JONAH is acceptable or should be tolerated. Furthermore, I dont know many people who would want their sister, or daughter to unsuspectingly marry someone struggling with SSA. Though of course there are a few exceptions. We just have to be realistic and honest with our expectations. If my son wanted to become a Pro-Football millionaire…I wouldnt crush his dreams, but I’d have a realistic conversations.
The Jewish Press is Awesome for allowing this honest discussion on the matter. The more the issue is discussed in the Frum community, the more Orthodox Jews become welcoming and understanding. I am so thrilled that being gay in the Frum community is becoming less a taboo and more understood. It is keeping my family and countless other Frum families together.
Boruch Hashem, I would have never guessed that this discussion would have been enabled by the Jewish Press 5 years ago. How far we have come!!! Yasher Koach to us.
Where has Rabbi Twersky (I presume you mean Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski) publicly come out against the Torah Declaration? Do you have a link or a book/newspaper/recorded speech reference?
And why do you automatically believe every detail of Chaim’s story? By his own admission, he is disclosing details that he agreed in writing to keep confidential. Doesn’t that taint his trustworthiness just a little bit?
>>It definitely harms some, and thus goes against the basic tenant of “first do no harm”. It also is the height of irresponsibility, and frankly is just disgusting. The fact that some people can pretend that this is not a big deal, or blame the victims of this terrible process (reported by multiple Jonah survivors) is just reprehensible.
I disagree vehemently that JONAH has harmed anybody. Take any of these “Jonah survivors” (I am only aware of two who have come out against JONAH publicly — and, oddly enough, simultaneously and via the same video). When a deeply disturbed individual such as Chaim claims to have been harmed by JONAH, how can you tease apart whatever issues he had before coming to JONAH from whatever harm JONAH supposedly caused him? Have you heard of “selection bias”? The more injured a person is to begin with, the harder it will typically be to heal, and therefore his chances of succeeding are smaller. Thus, these “JONAH survivors” as you call them were likely quite a mess to begin with — that’s just basic common sense.
Notice again the hypocrisy and the double standard in your comment. A man touching himself in front of a life-coach is “disgusting”, while two gay men engaging in mutual masturbation is — what? A holy expression of love?
Your statement, “Even if some say they have been helped by this, the professional approach is not to help some on the backs of hurting others” is even more curious. If you concede that JONAH has some non-zero success rate, then shouldn’t every man be encouraged to at least try change? …Even at the risk of whatever “harm” that might come about?
As for “I dont know many people who would want their sister, or daughter to unsuspectingly marry someone struggling with SSA” — JONAH encourages men to discuss their issues with prospective wives. I told my wife about my issues before we got married, as did all the strugglers I personally met.
Yes Abraham…ask him yourself, I did, in front of a whole chevrah. In most of my conversations with RAbbis and Therapist who signed this statement, when they heard about the harm that JONAH has caused, and how it will harm more people by having the approach that everyone must change (and that the Torah Mandate’s it), even when so many people can not, have expressed remorse. I encourage you to talk with these rabbis and you will see quite a different approach.
I am happy that you told your wife about your SSA. This is very important. My nephew was at JONAH a few years ago and did not tell his wife. He subsequently got divorced and soon after committed suicide. I am forever disappointing in myself that I did not speak up and try to help him.
There is a problem that you can not seem to admit or see the harm that this therapy has caused. Certainly, Chaim speaks about it here, and in further research I have heard personally in front of Rav Bentzion Twerski 5 boys who were pressured to do the same naked touching at JONAH.
A non-licensed ex gay life coach armed with the pressure of the whole frum community and the false hope of changing ones orientation, has no right to pressure a young man to disrobe and touch himself under the guise of “therapy”. This is the worst kind of manipulation. IT is nothing like anything consensual between 2 adults that may have hallachic problems. It is like comparing “borer” to “gezeyla”. The latter hurts the most vulnerable, and that is why it is disgusting.
As long as JONAH (Torah Dec) promotes this kind of irresponsible unaccountable reprehensible and harmful behavior, it matters little that they help others. I remember Rabbi Kolko in Torah Temimah…he was a Rebbe loved by sooo many. But then 6 boys finally came out and said that he sexually abused them. It doesnt matter that he was a good rebbe to some, if he prayed on the most vulnerable.
The point is that responsible proven therapy with a licensed mental health professional can be used to explore sexual fluidity, as long as expectations are reasonable and no one is pressured to engage. The Torah Dec an JONAH put parents up against their children, many times forcing kids to engage in these dangerous processes, or risk losing their families or homes. This is the real Toevah.
The only message to our gay kids is that we love them and we are on their side. We can not judge, and Boruch Hashem there are now so many wonderful Frum Rabbeim who they can go to for divrei chizuk and feeling of belonging. Gay men who marry women who know about them beforehand, should also not receive any prejudice…no one should. This is the Gadlus of Am Yisrael.
Every prominent SSA therapist (including Nicolosi) is VERY clear and up-front about one thing: you cannot force or pressure someone into therapy. Interpret that at every possible level, in particular: (1) it is unethical (2) it cannot be effective. Successful healing from SSA requires enormous desire, effort and committment from the struggler. There is simply no chance it will work with a reluctant participant.
I don’t know a single Rav, or anyone at JONAH, who believes anyone should be forced into therapy. JONAH exists ONLY for men who voluntarily want to change. The organization could not be any more up-front about this.
Your comparison of JONAH to a Rav who does a lot of chesed but also molests some boys on the side is completely inappropriate. JONAH only works with consenting adults. Anyone who is not happy with the therapeutic processes is free to leave.
What you say about the 5 boys sounds like unreliable heresay. I only know of two men who complained about JONAH publicly. Look, for better or worse, the “secret” is out: some of the SSA therapy processes involve getting undressed and having one’s envelope pushed in other ways. These processes have been examined by professional, licenced psychiatrists, so they cannot be wholly without merit. And I repeat: if at any point the client believes that the therapist has “gone too far”, he is certainly free to walk out.
Do you understand that without JONAH I might still be meeting strangers for sex as opposed to raising children with a beautiful loving wife?
Im certainly glad that you are not meeting strangers for random encounters. However, I dont think you need a wife for that. There are all to many married frum men who still cheat, with men…Just look on Craigslist. There are many out gay men, who would never engage in promiscuity. In my practice, I have discovered that anonymity usually breeds promiscuity. When you have a face and a name to live up to, you expect more from yourself. It is the dark world of secrets and double lives and shame that breeds casual sexual encounters, not homo or hetero sexuality.
I’m glad that you do not think anyone should be pressured into reparative therapy! But honestly, do you not think that the Torah Dec pressures people into this therapy? Saying things like “the Torah mandates change” and “the only appropriate response to homosexuals is change therapy”. This is exactly the problem. I agree with Nicolosi, if there was no pressure, and people just wanted to go to their own responsible licenced mental health providers…more power to them. It is the pressure, especially the religious, communal and familial pressure that is hurting our children. It is bullying them into therapies that could harm them!
Furthermore, there is no research what so ever that specifically validates asking patients to get naked and touch their genitalia. This is snake oil. Furthermore, this kind of behavior practiced by non-licenced much older ex-gay life coaches, who use the pressure to change to encourage young men to get naked and touch themselves in front of them is plain wrong, dangerous, harmful, and indefensible.
with respect to Rav Bentzion Twerski and the 5 boys who said that this kind of sexual misconduct was pressured upon them at JONAH, I was there. I told him about my nephew who unfortunately took his own life after his trauma at JONAH and his failed marriage.
I was a frum mental health professional at the Nefesh conference where many rabbis and therapists (including many who signed the Jonah Torahdec) expressed remorse and concert that this torahdec could cause more harm than good. Some of My colleagues contacted Arthur Goldberg (an ex con convicted of Fraud, who is the Director of JONAH, and person behind The Torah Dec -even though never frum), and Arthur refused to take any of the names off…even those who asked to be removed in the Press). This is very disturbing behavior and a big chillul hashem.
I guess just like any community, there are more rightwing fundamental fringes that we shouldnt judge all of Orthodoxy from. The TorahDec is really very fringe and not mainstream or accepted by the community. It is similar to the Psak by Rav Kaminetzky that abuse victims go to rabbi’s before the police, and similar to some of the crazy anti women behavior we saw in Bet Shemesh. Please do not judge Orthodoxy from these misguided approaches.
The RCA and the STatement of Principles do a much more respectable job pointing out that there are behaviors that are hallachically problematic, but there is not reason Gay Jews should feel any shame, any less welcome, or any pressure to engage in therapies that they may find harmful. This seems true Daas Torah. I know at Nefesh, most took this approach. I am also working with many Yeshivos who take a similar approach to their gay yeshiva students.
Chaim’s article, the outpouring of love for him here, and the heroism of the Jewish Press is the greatest sign that it really is getting better for gay people in the Orthodox community. It is the pressure, the bullying, the false hope, the silencing and the shame that is hurting our kids. Unfortunately JONAH and the TorahDec only help to perpetuate that. I vowed after my Nephew took his life to make sure that this vulnerable population know that they have allies in the straight frum world.
You seem like a nice person A, and I wish you and your wife the best. I hope that you will stay true to her, even late in the marriage when SSA may be more of a struggle. I am glad that responsible licenced therapists are there for you that will help you every step of the way. But it sounds like you agree with me, no one should be pressured to make the choice that you did. No one should be pressured into a therapy that does not work for them, and NO ONE should feel pressured to ever have to strip and touch themselves in front of a nonlicenced life coach so that they can fill the Torahdec irresponsible mandate that everyone must change. This is just evil.
We must understand that what is right for you, may be harmful for someone else. It is with this approach that I support your decision, but I ask to you support Chaim and the thousands of other Jews who grew up Orthodox that are not able to change. They deserve love, acceptance, respect and welcoming. This is the path to Moshiach.
Be well,
Yossi
Yossi,
I am sure you are a good mental health professional. Yet, your suggestion that I “look on Craigslist” is a bit similar to suggesting that a recovering alcoholic go have a look in a bar. An honest slip-up, perhaps — I’ll give you the benefit of doubt.
If only you’d give the same benefit of doubt to Arthur Goldberg, a holy man who’s saved countless lives. His legal issues are of no relevance to his JONAH work. Why engage in loshen hara and mention his conviction? To undermine his credibility? Yet Chaim Levin continues to enjoy full credibility in your eyes, even though his disclosure of confidential processes is a legally actionable offense.
We are dwelling on this alleged “getting undressed and touching genitalia” way too much. First, Chaim’s credibility is shaky at best — I would not at all put it past him to embellish, exaggerate, our outright lie. Second, getting naked is a very small part of therapy, and only for certain individuals with certain issues (typically, body-image problems). I myself never went through this process. But I have struggler friends who did. One of them told me how it took several sessions before he was ready to undress. In other words, at first he wasn’t comfortable and the therapist left it at that. All the strugglers I know besides Chaim who went through this process describe it as frightening, unsettling, but ultimately beneficial. I don’t know what your qualifications are, but “no research what so ever” and “snake oil” are pretty strong claims for a soft field like psychology where the established facts are few and constantly changing. I repeat: renowned, licenced (even famous) psychiatrists have vetted these processes. You dismiss them as snake-oil, and then go on to tell me to go surf the men4men section of craigslist. I think I’ll stick with the JONAH-approved professionals, thankyouverymuch.
I am very sorry about your nephew, may he rest in peace. But how can you in good faith blame JONAH for that? A troubled man takes his life; we should mourn the tragedy rather than conducting a witch-hunt among his previous contacts. Do you know for a fact that it was JONAH that caused him to kill himself and not clinical depression? Childhood abuse? That’s a very irresponsible claim, one that I am surprised to see made by a mental health professional.
Let’s talk about the bottom line. A young man comes to you and confides that he is struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions. He desperately wants to change, wants a wife and children. What do you advise him? Do you tell him about JONAH? Or do you say, “sorry bud, nothing you can do, you’re stuck with this”?
My struggler friend called me a couple of days ago to tell me he’s gotten engaged (his fiancee knows about his issues). What excitement, what joy! And how gratifying to hear him thank me for the support I’ve given him through the years. Was I doing him a disservice? Should I have told him to leave this dangerous, unprofessional JONAH organization and tough it out on his own?
The fact that Arthur Goldberg (Jonah’s Director) is a convicted felon who plead guilty to Millions of Dollars in Fraud and has a criminal background is very relevant when credibility is concerned. This is public knowledge and public record.
I only used the craigslist example to exemplify how many married men still cheat with men in secret. Certainly, i do not recommend you go there. The point is that according to these 5 JONAH survivors and as seen on craigslist, JONAH and reparative therapy clients seem to tell their therapists and wives one thing, then in secret go proposition other men. This is very disturbing. Just because Men with SSA are telling us that they have changed, means nothing if they are still using craigslist and the like to act out, many times cheating and putting their wives at risk.
With respect to Chaim and the other boys, Patients are not under confidentiality to keep the abuse of their counselors a secret. Certainly, if their non licenced JONAH therapist pressured them into getting naked and touching their genitalia while in therapy, they are not required to keep this a secret. How you can want Chaim and the other victims to stay quiet about this is really disturbing and telling.
The more you mitigate and dismiss other people’s harm and suffering, because something worked for you, you exemplify the height of selfishness. This is very apparent.
With respect to a young gay man who wanted to work on his sexual fluidity or marry a woman, I would never send him to an ORG like JONAH that engages in such unprofessional and irresponsible behavior. I would refer him to licenced colleagues of mine who can work through talk therapy to explore the patients sexual repertoire and concentrate on how to prioritize commitment over desire. This therapy would be contracted under realistic expectations would be about what works for the specific client. There are more than enough licenced frum therapists around.
The real issue here, as you have pointed out, is that there should not be a PRESSURE in the frum community for gay people to have to go to these kinds of reparative therapies. They certainly are not right for many people, and can be harmful for some. So this is the real problem with the TorahDec (JONAH), by mandating that “all must change” and “the only approach is change therapy”, it perpetuates a damaging notion that all should be pressured into this kind of therapy. Certainly, as you have repeated from Nicolosi, pressuring people into reparative therapy is not helpful. This pressure can be used to exploit gay people and their parents. In JONAH’s case this pressure is used to exploit Frum families out of thousands of dollars. In some cases this pressure has been used by some “ex gay” JONAH life coaches to pressure young clients into getting naked and fondling their genitalia. I’m glad that finally parents are finding out that this is what is really going on at JONAH.
Chaim’s story as well as countless others show us that we must develop a way of welcoming and respecting gays in the frum community who reparative therapy is not a helpful option to. Boruch Hashem, I think we are on our way.
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