web analytics
May 28, 2015 / 10 Sivan, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post


Shidduch Madness: No Jumping the Queue

Kupfer-011813-485x273

The fact is all the milestones and events in one’s life – from when you will marry; your parnasah; children; health, the bumpiness or smoothness of your life’s journey – is min Shamayim; it is controlled and decreed by G-d. By delaying or preventing a younger child’s marriage, can parents be viewed as possibly thwarting Hashem’s will? (It might even have been necessary for a younger sibling to marry – in order for the older one to. I have heard several stories of a married sibling setting up an older unmarried sister with someone her spouse knew and suggested. Had the younger sister not married, the second shidduch would not have happened.)

Perhaps Hashem, for reasons no human can ever understand, decided that “Sarah” will marry at 28, and her sister “Leah” at 20. By not allowing Leah to date and meet her zivug, Leah may end up losing her bashert – the one Hashem meant for her to marry. After all, man is given free choice and if it is her parents’ will that children marry in order of their birth, than that G-d-given opportunity may not materialize.

I have a vague memory of speaking to someone who was rather adamant about sticking to the birth order, insisting that there was a halachic basis for that. All I know was that Yaacov had no halachic issues when he chose Rachel, the younger sister, to be his wife. It was Lavan who insisted that Yaacov marry his oldest daughter first. Should we follow the rules of a vile rashah like Lavan?

Why should kids marry according to their birth position – oldest first and down the line? In real life are siblings niftar oldest to youngest? Maybe someone marrying at 35 will enjoy 50 years of marriage, yet a sibling years younger who married at 19 will only have 25 years of wedded life because of a death. Why hold anyone back – no one knows the future.

Sadly, in the last few weeks, I have heard of young people in their 20’s and early 30’s who due to a very sudden illness, a life-threatening disease, or an accident left this world too soon. Most had very young children. Their bereft parents have the comfort of knowing the niftar(ess) left a legacy, had created worlds with each child they gave life to. What if hypothetically some had not married, or married years later than necessary because their stepping into the parsha was put on hold for an older sibling? They might have died single, or having been married a relatively short time, not leave children to survive them and be their continuation.

In today’s very difficult shidduch scene, adding another “fence” is counterproductive and unfairly jeopardizes the other children’s ability to marry.

Hashem is the ultimate matchmaker and has His master plan in terms of shidduchim and who will marry whom and when. Parents, and the older sibling in the family who wants to marry according to birth order, should, after a reasonable time, remove their man-made obstacles and let Hashem’s will take over.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

2 Responses to “Shidduch Madness: No Jumping the Queue”

  1. Moshe Coan says:

    ZivugZone.com is a new and innovative dating website for Frum singles with a unique personality compatibility matching system. 3,600+ singles! 100% Free!

  2. how does one become a matchmaker on the site ?

Comments are closed.

Current Top Story
Shimon Peres and Tony Blair shake hands in Jerusalem.
Tony Blair Steps Down as Quartet Middle East Envoy but No One Cares
Latest Sections Stories
Road sign in Russian and Yiddish greeting visitors on the road just outside Birobidzhan. (photo by Ben G. Frank)

Birobidzhan railway station sign is the world’s only one spelling the town’s name in Yiddish letters

Ayelet Shaked

She’s seen as a poster child for The Jewish Home’s efforts to reach beyond its Orthodox base.

Teens-Twenties-logo

Girls don’t usually learn Gemara. Everyone knows that.

Mordechai and his men shared a strong mutual loyalty.

“Can I wear tefillin in the bathroom?” That was the question US Private Nuchim Lebensohn wrote to Mike Tress, president of the Agudath Israel Youth Council, in a letter dated November 18, 1942. Lebensohn was not your typical young American GI. Polish by birth, he was forty-three years old and married when he was drafted […]

To what extent is your child displaying defiance?

This therapist kept focusing on how “I could do better,” never on how we could make the marriage work.

Mistrust that has lingered after the fiasco in Ferguson, Missouri, has edged the issue forward.

“The observance of a kosher diet is a key tenet of Judaism, and one which no state has the right to deny,” said Nathan Diament, executive director for public policy of the Orthodox Union.

Two weeks of intense learning in the classroom about Israel culminated with Yom Ha’Atzmaut. Students attended sessions with their teachers and learned about history, culture, military power, advocacy, slang, cooking, and more.

The nations of the world left the vessel to sit rotting in the water during one of the coldest winters in decades and with its starving and freezing passengers abandoned.

Rabbi Yisroel Edelman, the synagogue’s spiritual leader, declared, “The Young Israel of Deerfield Beach is looking forward to our partnership with the OU. The impact the OU has brought to Jewish communities throughout the country through its outreach and educational resources is enormous and we anticipate the same for our community in Deerfield Beach as well.”

More Articles from Cheryl Kupfer
Kupfer-On-Our-Own-NEW

The message being conveyed is that without “flour,” without the means to support oneself and one’s family, one’s focus on Torah will be impeded by worry.

Kupfer-112114

Divorce from a vindictive, cruel spouse can be a lifelong nightmare when there are offspring.

Not knowing any better, I assumed that Molly and her mother must be voracious readers.

Unpleasant happenings are quickly discarded if they do not affect us directly.

I have always insisted that everything that happens to anyone or anything is min Shamayim.

It is so hurtful to heighten people’s sense of inadequacy and guilt in a matzav that is already horrendous and difficult to bear.

Make no mistake: in the wrong hands cars are weapons of mass destruction.

Where once divorce in heimische communities was relatively uncommon, nowadays every family has a son, daughter, sibling cousin who is divorced – sometimes twice or even three times!

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/magazine/on-our-own/shidduch-madness-no-jumping-the-queue/2013/01/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: