Photo Credit: Asher Schwartz

{Originally posted to the satirical PreOccupied Territory website}

Tel Aviv, February 12 – Reports of the new UN Secretary-General offering MK Tzipi Livni a position as one of his Deputy Secretaries have Israelis across the political spectrum excited over the new level of legitimacy the position would afford the country, with some also noting that given her track record, within several years the UN will be a shell of its former self and no longer capable of posing a serious international threat.


Secretary-General Antonio Guterres, installed this year, took the unprecedented step of inviting Ms. Livni to the position, according to media reports. If approved by the Security Council, hers would be the first of an Israeli to such a senior United Nations post. Beyond the prestige associated with their compatriot attaining such a status, Israelis of various political stripes look forward to Livni’s eventual impact on the UN, which, if Livni’s record serves as an indicator, will descend into irrelevance and impotence. The body will thus be rendered unable to channel the Arab and Muslim worlds’ hostility toward the Jewish State to distract from their own abuses.

Security Council approval remains far from certain, but few Israelis would begrudge Livni the role. “It’s the perfect time for her to take her special magic to the UN,” gushed Opposition head and Labor Chairman Issac Herzog. “She’s performed well here as our partner in the Zionist Union faction, helping ensure we remain in the Opposition for years to come. That special touch she has for taking an organization with enormous potential and squandering that potential through a thorough misreading of public sentiment, coupled with an innate arrogance, fits beautifully with the UN. Others have both of those attributes, but only Tzipi has brought them together more than once to collapse a once-formidable entity from within.”

Political analyst Hanan Krystal, speaking on Kol Yisrael radio, seconded Herzog’s sentiments. “Look at what she’s done with the Zionist Union, and with Kadima before that,” he explained. “Thanks to her, the Zionist Union – both Labor and Hatnua – is a joke. Thanks to her, Kadima, which was on the cusp of forming a government in 2009, doesn’t even exist anymore. And it’s only because there were competent people left behind in Likud when she left that the party still flourishes. This could be just the thing to get the UN off Israel’s back for good.”

Livni was unavailable for comment. A spokesman told reporters she was trying to put together a poll of Bleich High School students to determine whether she should accept the position.


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