Dear Readers,
Unfortunately, due to the devastating loss of our beloved husband/father, Dr. Mordechai Respler, zichrono l’vracha, our response about anxiety and Covid-19 was put on hold. We apologize to the writer. Here is the original letter and part two of our response.
Dear Dr. Yael,
I have always suffered from anxiety, and the current situation we find ourselves in is exacerbating my condition. I know that we have no control over what is happening, but the unknown is scary and it is getting more and more difficult for me to be able to handle my day-to-day responsibilities. Please help me.
An Anxious Wreck
Dear Anxious Wreck,
In our last column (March 27), we focused on how to combat anxiety and gave some specific CBT techniques. This week we will focus on social anxiety.
Social anxiety is very difficult to manage as people tend to avoid social situations when they are anxious about them, which only validates the anxiety and makes them feel more anxious about these situations. However, there are techniques that can help boost your confidence and lower your anxiety so you can feel more comfortable socially.
First, it’s important to realize that anxiety is natural. It’s a typical response to perceived danger – most of us are concerned about how others view us and are thus afraid of being judged negatively. These feelings can become overwhelming if you are a more anxious person by nature, have critical parents, and/or have had early humiliating experiences. Anxiety exacerbates negative thoughts, makes you sweat and your heart race. Additionally, anxiety is not reality; it’s the exaggerated danger that your inner thoughts perceive.
Everyone has an inner monologue, a constant flow of thoughts that affects how you feel and your energy levels. Social anxiety preys on thoughts that heighten danger, foresees negative outcomes, and inaccurately sees others judging you negatively.
For example, social anxiety will “tell you” that your meeting will be a disaster or that you will sound stupid when you talk with someone, which just exacerbates your physical symptoms and becomes a negative and anxious cycle.
Thinking in this exaggerated and negative way is a habit and, like other habits, it can be changed with some hard work! Similar to fighting general anxiety, we have to change that negative and anxious monologue in your head! Anxiety producing thoughts in social situations are almost always exaggerated and distorted.
For the most part, you do not always sound like a fool and everyone is not staring at you. These are just your anxiety thoughts that need to be counteracted with realistic thoughts. If you are feeling nervous about a meeting, tell yourself that things will likely go well, and even if there are a few mishaps, you will be able to make it through the meeting and make a positive impression.
Once you are feeling anxious, it is imperative to try to calm yourself down so you can set yourself up for success. Successful encounters will help decrease your social anxiety, as it will validate the realistic thoughts that social situations can be positive and enjoyable. You can try the following techniques to calm yourself whenever you feel anxious:
- Breathe deeply. Deep breathing is a simple and very helpful technique. This was mentioned in the last column, but many people do not know how to do it properly. To use this technique in the right way, take a long, deep breath through your nose, then hold the breath in for 3-5 seconds, and then breathe slowly out through your mouth.
You should physically be able to feel a pressure being taken off your shoulders. If you do not feel this release, you are likely not doing the technique correctly. You should use this technique at least three times in a row and practice a few times a day, so that when you need it, you will be able to use it automatically as anxiety will try to make you “forget” your calming techniques.
- Shift your focus from your anxious feelings to whatever you’re doing. If you’re speaking with someone, focus on how he or she is feeling instead of what you should be saying next. Often when we overthink, we freeze up and cannot have a “normal” conversation.
Focusing on the person you are speaking with will help you keep the conversation flowing and decrease your anxiety. If you find your anxiety building despite your attempts to focus on the task at hand, try to focus on something neutral like the color of the carpet or something else distracting.
The more you push yourself to do things despite your anxiety, the less anxious you will eventually feel. Once you see that the reality is better than your negative, anxious thinking, your anxiety will decrease as your negative thinking will be invalidated by the reality of the situation! It may be hard at first, but if you can push yourself and use your calming and distraction techniques, you may surprise yourself and actually have a good time!
If your social anxiety is more severe and is stopping you from making friends or getting out of the house, you must seek professional help to assist you in taking baby steps to accomplish your goals. The longer you avoid and become anxious, the harder it will be to form new and healthier habits to replace the anxious ones.
Hatzlachah!