web analytics
October 21, 2014 / 27 Tishri, 5775
At a Glance
Sections
Sponsored Post
Meir Panim with Soldiers 5774 Roundup: Year of Relief and Service for Israel’s Needy

Meir Panim implements programs that serve Israel’s neediest populations with respect and dignity. Meir Panim also coordinated care packages for families in the South during the Gaza War.



Communicating Effectively (Part V)


Family-logo

Discovering The Deeper Meaning Of Your Words

Having parented a struggling adolescent for several years, Yael was expecting that life would be different for her now twenty-year old son. She was, and still is, an excellent student, diligently applying the tools she has been gaining in our coaching sessions. Harmony and peace has returned to her home, and the relationship (with her son) she was working on mending has become a reality. Admittedly, she attributes the restored relationship to a parenting methodology she has undertaken — the love-tough approach.

In essence, Yael has been following the principles of letting go of negative behaviors, termed external control (i.e., yelling, nagging, criticizing, blaming, forcing, etc.), and replacing them with a more benign manner of interacting, known as internal control(i.e., listening, understanding, encouraging, supporting, building up). Yael is aware that the only one she can change is herself and the only behaviors she can improve upon are her own. Equally as important, Yael has learned how to put into effect boundaries and rules in a compassionate way, and how to allow the consequences to do the policing rather than she playing the role of cop.

Now that the relationship has moved into a more positive realm, and major conflicts are no longer a part of daily life, Yael was having a hard time understanding how her son was still not putting his life together. As the session continued, her tone of voice seemed to denote frustration: “He’s still not doing anything productive! I need to do more to help him move forward!”

Viewing Yael’s concluding statement as a coaching opportunity, I suggested we do some NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) work and delve a bit into the meaning of her words.

The following is a partial segment of our ensuing session:

Debbie: What is the connotation of I need- what does it mean to you?

Yael: When I say, I need, I’m feeling that it’s my obligation and parental responsibility to look for ways to move my son forward in life. (She pauses for a few seconds, contemplating what she had just said and continues her response.) Truthfully,deep down I know that I’d like to control him, and push him, and make things happen for him so that he’d finally do something productive. (Her voice pitch heightens as she becomes more emotional.) I just want to shake him around and light a fire under him to get him going once and for all! And I want him to keep moving instead of regressing into that “do-nothing” state that he keeps falling into! I’m dying to tell him how all of his friends have gone beyond their previous life, even the ones who were sleeping all day and staying out half the night.

D: What do you think would happen to your relationship, at this point in time, if you would try to coerce him or control him? Do you believe that going back to your previous way of relating to him will encourage him to accomplish that which you would like to see happen — that he become productive? And how do you think he would react if you would remind him about his friends who have moved beyond their past?

Y: Laughingly – Of course it would be a hindrance! I’m absolutely certain our relationship would suffer, and tension would resume in our home. I’m also aware that bringing up his friends’ successes would probably send him further into depression. Come to think of it, I have used that tactic from time to time — when I’ve faltered and reverted to my “old patterns” — and it has always ended up backfiring.

D: You indicated, “I need to do more.” This comment implies you’ve already done something.

Y: Yes. As a matter of fact, I believe I’ve done a lot. (She pauses) No, let’s change that. I mean I know for a fact that I’ve gone the extra mile to do everything in my power to facilitate my son’s progress.

D: On a scale from 1-10, how would you rate the degree of efforts you have generated thus far?

Y: I’d say 10.

D: Then if you gave yourself the highest rating, and you acknowledge how much you have done for your son’s sake, what do you think is behind your statement, “I need to do more?” Take your time to think about it. I’m sure an answer will come to you as you listen attentively to your internal voice. Do you hear what it is saying? (After two minutes of silence, Yael speaks.)

Y: I suppose I was really trying to move this process along as quickly as possible. I’ve been working so hard. I’m tired; I’m drained; I’m impatient. When I say, “I need to,” I feel like I’m pressuring myself to take control of the situation rather than waiting for “things” to happen in its right time. And while I know that life doesn’t work like this, in a funny kind-of way, I feel self- assured (and I know it’s a false sense) that if I maximize my involvement and control of my son’s life, he’ll finally do something productive. Silly, isn’t it!

At the conclusion of our session, I suggested to Yael that she compose two lists. One would be an inventory of all the proactive steps she has taken up until now. A second list would require her to reflect on newer or more refined actions she intends to undertake in the near future — steps that would be within her capability and abilities. I also asked her to write a reflective summary of her learning outcome for this session. Sensing these exercises would be beneficial Yael agreed to do them.

Knowing Yael’s energetic and indefatigable disposition, I was expecting to read a long list of “projects” she has assumed during these past years. I was also anticipating receiving from her a second list, enumerating a few newer ideas. To my surprise, there were no lists. Yes, it was definitely in her plan. However, when she began to think of what else she could do or who she might contact, the only words she saw in her mind’s eye and heard reverberating were: “I already did that; I already did that!”

It was within these self-reflections that Yael discovered a truth about herself. It was a reality that became unearthed when she sat down to compile the lists she had intended to do and, in its stead, a brief, poignant poem emerged. Yael had asked that I share her profound lesson with the readership as a piece of advice to parents who are attempting to nurture a more effective relationship with their children.

I thought I was doing nothing to help my son then I realized I was being kind to him.I thought I needed to suggest something to move him along then I realized he didn’t want to hear that.I thought I was failing him then I realized I was there for him.Sometimes we accomplish more by doing nothing other times we destroy by doing something.Until we know exactly what to do, it’s better to do nothing and not accomplish than to do something and destroy.Then again…

When we look to siyata d’Shmaya, we are always doing something,

We are always accomplishing!

In the next installment, Upgrading Our Language: Powerful vs. Weak Words, the focus will be on choosing words that support and facilitate more effective communication.

About the Author:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.

Our comments section is intended for meaningful responses and debates in a civilized manner. We ask that you respect the fact that we are a religious Jewish website and avoid inappropriate language at all cost.

If you promote any foreign religions, gods or messiahs, lies about Israel, anti-Semitism, or advocate violence (except against terrorists), your permission to comment may be revoked.

No Responses to “Communicating Effectively (Part V)”

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Current Top Story
The Jerusalem light rail train, crossing the Chords Bridge near the Central Bus Station.
Jerusalem Light Rail’s New ‘Zero Tolerance’ for Arab Violence
Latest Sections Stories

Sadly, there are mothers who, due to severe depression are unable or unwilling to prepare nourishing food for their children.

Michal had never been away from home. And now, she was going so far away, for so long – an entire year!

Though if you do have a schach mat, you’ll realize that it cannot actually support the weight of the water.

Social disabilities occur at many levels, but experts identify three different areas of learning and behavior that are most common for children who struggle to create lasting social connections.

Sukkot is an eternal time of joy, and if we are worthy, of plenty.

Two of our brothers, Jonathan Pollard and Alan Gross, sit in the pit of captivity. We have a mandate to see that they are freed.

Chabad of South Broward has 15 Chabad Houses in ten cities.

Victor Center works in partnership with healthcare professionals, clergy, and the community to sponsor education programs and college campus out reach.

So just in case you’re stuck in the house this Chol HaMoed – because there’s a new baby or because someone has a cold – not because of anything worse, here are six ideas for family fun at home.

We are told that someone who says that God’s mercy extends to a bird’s nest should be silenced.

Our harps have 22 strings. This gives musicians a wide musical range and yet stays within Biblical parameters.

More Articles from Debbie Brown
Family-logo

Having parented a struggling adolescent for several years, Yael was expecting that life would be different for her now twenty-year old son. She was, and still is, an excellent student, diligently applying the tools she has been gaining in our coaching sessions. Harmony and peace has returned to her home, and the relationship (with her son) she was working on mending has become a reality. Admittedly, she attributes the restored relationship to a parenting methodology she has undertaken — the love-tough approach.

Family-logo

Toxic Language Tishrei — and the yom tov pattern returns! Of which pattern am I speaking, you ask? If we were to identify the main aspects of each of the holidays during this month, generally speaking, and in rather simplistic behavioral terms, the pattern of the night and following day might look something along the […]

Recently, I asked a family friend, a financial advisor, to share with me his perspective on the importance of rapport in the world of sales. In a general way, I knew that successful salespeople maintain good rapport with their clients. And so I was curious. Was the need for developing rapport in business any different than doing so in a parent-child relationship? To that end, I posed the following questions: “How do you establish rapport with a new client? And what do you believe is a key issue to creating rapport?

A political figure refuses to comment on a current news story in which he is involved.. In the hope of avoiding a scuffle with her parents, a teenager, who has broken curfew, quietly opens up the front door. As she makes a mad dash to her room, she tries to avoid being noticed and questioned. In both situations, a lack of communication may be perceived as failure on the part of the individual to take responsibility for his/her actions, and/or an admission of guilt. In such cases when the person does not say yes, the message being conveyed to others can be perceived as noby default, and vice versa.

The Meaning of The Communication Is The Response It Elicits

In most homes, as women prepare to join the Seder (hopefully, somewhat rested), the anticipatory anxiety associated with the “P” word (pre-Pesach angst) is no longer. The cleaning, preparations, shopping and cooking are now a thing of the past. And finally, the Hagaddah’s legacy of yetzias Mitzrayim (exodus from Egypt) takes front stage.

What does it mean to be validated? In what areas of life can one expect to be validated? What attitude, behaviors or actions convey a message (or feeling) to someone that s/he is being validated? How does one validate, or invalidate? What benefits are there to validating and being validated – in the short term as well as long term?

In the first two parts of this four-part series, we discussed the need to validate someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. Utilizing a Rabbinic illustration, we presented the story of Rav Yochanan ben Zakai when he sat shivah for his son. The focus was on his receiving consolation: why he received comfort from his one student, Rav Elazer ben Aruch, and not from his other four students. Now let us move to a Biblical backdrop as we continue.

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/communicating-effectively-part-v-discovering-the-deeper-meaning-of-your-words/2010/11/17/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online: