Purim And The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim
Latest update: March 20th, 2012
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Some women who are deeply religious or intellectually inclined may delude themselves into thinking that their male counterparts will only see, appreciate and cherish their inner beauty, and that will (or should) be their overriding priority. All other surface qualities will be secondary, subordinate to the place where their neshoma stands. Truly, it is an ideal that I passionately share with them–the yearning to be seen in a soulful way, visible to the heart but not necessarily the naked eye– but unfortunately we are not living in an ideal world.
Many years ago, I had a conversation with Georgie, the internationally renowned hair stylist and sheitelmacher, who brought a certain new aesthetic to the frum world when she first launched her business. Georgie told me then that she wished she could persuade young women in shidduchim to participate in “make-over” sessions with hairstylists, cosmetologists and wardrobe consultants, who would help them achieve their best possible look. “I am often shocked by how little these girls do for themselves,” I vividly remember her saying. “How will they ever find a shidduch?”
Surprisingly, a well-known story about the Satmar Rebbe t”zl drives home this point. During his incarceration in concentration camp, the Rebbe refused to eat the meager provisions that were customarily doled out to the inmates–the proverbial crust of bread and watery soup–because of kashrus concerns. He subsisted solely on the portions of raw potatoes that Hannah*, a young woman working in the kitchen smuggled out to him daily – at great risk to her own life. The Rebbe tzl had tremendous hakoras hatov for her sacrifice, and always publicly acknowledged that she had saved his life. Later, they were both placed on the Kastner train, and found refuge in the safe haven of Switzerland. When the urge to re-embrace life asserted itself, and young refugees started dating and getting married, no one courted Hannah, who had lost all her teeth during her years of privation. One day, the Rebbe summoned his Rebbetzin, and handed her a large wad of cash. “Please give this to Hannah,” he said, “and instruct her that she should use the money to pay for dentures. And after the dentist has repaired her mouth, please tell her that she should use the rest of the money for makeup.” Soon afterwards Hannah became a kallah.
If the Satmar Rebbe t”zl – a tremendous Torah giant who resided in such lofty realms –could perceive what the obstacles were to Hannah’s attainment of a match, surely we (l’havdil) who dwell in far lower spheres should confront the need to make our daughters as shidduch-worthy as possible, no matter what it takes.
Mothers this is my plea to you: There is no reason in today’s day and age with the panoply of cosmetic and surgical procedures available, why any girl can’t be transformed into a swan. Borrow the money if you have to; it’s an investment in your daughter’s future, her life.
Recently, an acquaintance of mine reported the happy news that her first cousin had become a kallah for the first time at the tender age of forty. “She wowed her chasan with her beauty,” she said. “That’s what gave her an edge over the other women her age.” Then she paused. “Let’s see…she had a nose job….gastric bypass …botox injections….her teeth were capped…..and she wears violet-blue contact lenses…There’s practically nothing about her that’s real!” she laughed. “But…guess what? She’s getting married next month!”
I grew up a homely teenager. My weight and my frizzy hair were just two of my issues. I still cringe when I think of the pain that was my constant companion. Even though I excelled in school, and my writing had been published from the time I was eight, nothing could ameliorate my self-consciousness, the terrible ache of knowing that I was not pleasing to the public eye.
One day, when I was 19, and a particularly angst-producing dating situation had ended in disaster, Dr. Jean Jofen z”l, an extraordinary woman whom I was privileged to have as a mentor, turned to me during a discussion, and apropos nothing at all, suddenly asked me why I hadn’t done anything to make myself look and feel better? I was speechless. She was right, what she said was simple and obvious, yet no one had ever asked me before. I just thought you had to take what fate dealt you; it never crossed my mind that you could change things or eliminate them altogether. (I don’t think pro-active was even a word then, or a concept, either).
Jean urged me to take some cosmetic steps that changed my life: a diet, hair-straightening, and most significant of all: a “nose job.” The resculpted nose gave me newfound confidence and spurred me to continue along a path of self-improvement. I lost 30 pounds and found Ollies, a hair-straightening salon in Queens that actually managed to tame my unruly locks. And my dating situation got much better. Although I have never trumpeted this part of my personal history in such a public way, I am doing so in order to hopefully give chizuk to the multitudes of young women who struggle – unfairly – in this very frustrating shidduch “parsha.”
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84 Responses to “Purim And The Tyranny Of Beauty: A Plea to Mothers of Girls in Shidduchim”
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I feel physically sick after reading this article! This is really one of the most disgusting things I have ever read.
1. Esther HaMalka refused all extra cosmetics offered to her. It was reshaim like Achasveirosh and Vashti who were so hung up on cosmetics and physical beauty.
2. I just got married not quite 9 months ago. I was never considered a particular beauty and worked before a date to make myself look formal and appealing. However, I NEVER changed anything about my body, only superficially enhanced a few features with makeup. Guess what? The first time my husband saw me not in makeup and dressed particularly shlumpy (I had been Pesach cleaning) right before we got engaged, he told me that he really liked the way I looked naturally. My husband is not superhuman. He most certainly cares about physical appearance. However, he liked the REAL me, not some fake, super-model-wannabe version of me.
3. Boys have every right to care about looks, but someone needs to tell them that real girls don't look like super models. They come in all shapes and sizes and there is nothing wrong with that. They need to be taught what really beauty- both physical and spiritual- is.
4. At some point, these boys are going to see their wives without makeup. They will wake up in the morning and see the real her. What will they think then?
I really feel sorry for you that you think the answer to the shidduch crisis is changing the girls G-d created into what boys have been taught by society to expect. Pathetic!
After reading this article over a couple of times and toying with its suggestions and content…I have a question for Mrs. Halberstam. What happened to what we learn, "v'ahavta l'rayach at ha kamocha" (please excuse my errors in attempt at transliteration), or "love your neighbor as you love yourself"? Your words seem to imply that we cannot love ourselves unless we act/dress/present ourselves in a certain cookie cutter way. If we cannot love ourselves for who we are, then how on earth can we love others? While some of your suggestions may come in handy when health is concerned, we shouldn't be made to feel as if we can't be love or we can't love ourselves for how we look and who we are. As a woman who struggles with not being too hard on herself on a daily basis, your words made me feel as if I'm not even making an effort. However, I do not find this to be true. I get out of bed every morning and try to be the best me I can be. Furthermore, say a woman does "go under the knife". What then? She should automatically be pleased with herself? While we should be constantly striving to improve ourselves in a number of ways, and should be reflecting on ourselves on how to be good people who are striving to create certain connections with people and G-d, how can we do this if we are always in a struggle with ourselves? So many people have commented and have shared their valuable opinions and thoughts…maybe one of the reasons why you had to write this was so that we could put our thoughts out there and recognize what is important to each of us. It's time for some people to stop living in lala land and wake up. Relationships are not a one way street…we aren't the ones who are making things difficult because we aren't changing our bodies, or not wearing make up. There isn't one beautiful; there are many. It's up to individuals to figure out how to recognize it.
http://
http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/rabbi-shmuley-boteach-make-men-more-mature-rather-than-send-girls-under-the-knife/2012/03/28/
I am a single girl and have been dating for a few years. First, I have a few friends in the same situation as myself and what disturbs me the most about this article is that NONE of us ever leave our houses without wearing makeup. It can take me 20 minutes in the morning to apply makeup and dress properly in case “someone” sees me, and still make sure I get to work on time. Therefore this article completely does not make sense-I don’t know one girl my age who would go to an event like that without wearing makeup.
But all of that is completely irrelevant because of the more important and pressing matter of our generation-the author mentions that it’s not only about the inside of a person but also the outside, and she also mentions that she has a son in shidduchim. Well, I get many phone calls from boys’ mothers asking for information about my friends and the first thing they want to know about is “looks.” RARELY do they ask about middos. IN A GENERATION LIKE TODAY WHERE WE HAVE SO, SO, SO, SO MANY TZAROS IN KLAL YISROEL-THIS is what’s important? THIS?
Yes, looks and chemistry are important, but they are not #1. People talk about the “shidduch crisis” and how it’s all the girls’ fault. Guess what, the mothers of boys are plenty to blame, for prioritizing like this. In today’s day and age it’s about looks and money, and that is it. When we have children being killed, young men having heart attacks and dying on the spot, where Sloan Kettering is FULL of frum people, in an age of no guarantees of anything, that’s all that people are looking for??
Finally-I just thought I should mention that there are plenty of boys who walk into my home for a date looking overweight, faces full of pimples and even balding. Maybe we should suggest that THEY go on diets, do exercise, have bariatric surgery, have hair implants or nose jobs. Is it always the girls that are to blame?
I do not mean to make this a scathing comment, but it is so hurtful to read an article like this when ALL of my friends are great, great, great, pretty, smart girls with unbelievable middos-and this just knocks us all down.
I hope you can somehow retract some things that you say here and may we only share in simchas in Klal Yisroel B’mhaira.
This article makes me so mad. What's wrong with the shidduch system (in my experiene) is the boys' MOTHERS. They ask the most horrendous, shallow, intrusive personal questions about a girl's clothing size, her looks, etc. I am a reference for a bunch of my friends, and I have yet to be asked what kind of middos a girl has, if she is respectful or kind, the REAL questions that count. It's the mothers who really care about all this shallow nonsense. Most guys don't even notice what you're wearing most of the time, let alone care if you've had a nose job! Yes, girls should look presentable when they go out. But to go to the extreme of getting plastic surgery just to get a guy? How shallow. It's digusting. What kind of values are you teaching here, Mrs. Halberstam? This is the most useless piece of advice I have ever heard regarding shidduchim. For shame!
I'm sorry, but the "shidduch crisis" is caused by this absolute nareshkite. The boys and their mothers are at fault and this pervasive attitude, this elitism, this entitlement, this Hellenism is anything but Yiddishkite. I am not sure what is going to be when my sons and daughter are in the parsha in 20 or so odd years, but I hope that this attitude is obliterated from our midst at that time. This is not Jewish thinking, it's Western thinking. Quoting Megilas Esther as a proof text as to why a young lady should make herself up to meet a potential mate is a completely illogical proof text! It is the opposite of a proof text. Unbelievable.
There are definitely many more factors contributing to the crisis, but yes, this mindset is appalling. I do not believe, however, that it is anywhere near mainstream prevalence. You may be relieved to know that many people I know would even reject a shidduch prospect if they knew that the person (boy or girl) had a appearance-modifying surgical procedure. Still, this mindset is so extreme and antithetical to our values that it deserves a strong reaction.
I will say, however, that lobotomies might be one surgical procedure that might relieve the shidduch crisis.
I don't know of any shiduch really being nixed for physical reasons today more than at any other time. I have however heard of people refusing to date someone because the parents are divorced. I also think as a math/science person
I also think as a math/science person if there is a crises today it is due to population increases. Consider 100 years ago there may have been 5 girls and 5 boys in a community resulting in 25 possible matches (5*5). There was also little to no travel between communities. Today in Baltimore we can have approximately 100 boys and 100 girls in the parsha 100*100= 10,000 different matches. Travel between cities is also easier resulting in basically an infinite amount of matches. It makes it easier to think that there is someone better out there. Another point: It is not always the guy that end it women today are just as vain as men. So they need to grow up as well.
I think the problem is sinas chinam, plain and simple. Like for example an ffb won't marry a baal t'shuva because she is a baalat nidah. Or one side won't marry the other because she or he has darker skin. It is pure sinas chinam. And our people are suffering for it. Agree it has to stop, but we have to recognize it for what it is.
The woman who wrote this article is seriously disturbed. She actually had plastic surgery in order to find a husband. She needs help.
It should be called "The Tyranny of Mothers-in-Law."
And yes, mind-bogglingly, jaw-droppingly outrageous. Elective surgery????
Wow. I believe that this author just committed professional suicide by writing this article
professional suicide indeed. and killed her son's shidduch prospects as well.
I'm sorry, but I agree with the author. While I don't think you need to go to the extreme with plastic surgery, unless of course, you have a terrible feature, I DO believe in makeup. I see so many women who don't wear any and it drives me insane. There is no reason why you should leave your house without taking 10 minutes or so to make yourself look better. The ONLY time you will ever see me without makeup on is Yom Kippur. Everybody can use a little help here and there. I am married to a wonderful man for almost 6 years, who doesn't particularly care if I wear makeup on a regular basis, but I do it for myself, to make myself look better. And When you look better you feel better. I know some of these men need some help too. People need to take care of themselves, help make themselves more attractive and appealing. While looks aren't everything by any means, they are still important. You want to be attracted to the person you spend the rest of your life with, wake up every morning next too. Both men and woman should take some extra time to improve their looks.
While I do see many flaws in the shidduch system, and agree that it's unfair that the boy has the upper hand, I agree with the author to some extent. I don't think you need to go to the extreme with plastic surgery, unless of course, you have a terrible feature, I DO believe in makeup. I see so many women who don't wear any and it drives me insane. There is no reason why you should leave your house without taking 10 minutes or so to make yourself look better. The ONLY time you will ever see me without makeup on is Yom Kippur. Everybody can use a little help here and there. I am married to a wonderful man for almost 6 years, who doesn't particularly care if I wear makeup on a regular basis, but I do it for myself, to make myself look better. And When you look better you feel better. I know some of these men need some help too. People need to take care of themselves, help make themselves more attractive and appealing. While looks aren't everything by any means, they are still important. You want to be attracted to the person you spend the rest of your life with, wake up every morning next too. Both men and woman should take some extra time to improve their looks.
why not change the system instead of giving into it? Why not start teaching our men to b men instead of telling our women to cow tow to the boys we have created where men should b? I was married to a boy that was a product of this upbringing. To all the mothers out there that think they are doing a service to the world by raising a guy who thinks he is god's gift I have news for you…you r single handedly contributing to the high divorce rate. Abuse in the Jewish community is on the rise and your boys are the sole cause. Wow! puts it in perspective doesn't it?
I think you guys are being a little harsh and forgetting that, like it or not, this article is not the problem, the problem is that the dating world has gone mad with an obsession for the best looking, best learning, best cooking, best bank-account candidates for people who misrepresent themselves through mothers like this and a system that keeps them immature and gives them no responsibility for their own relationships… Shidduch resumes, shadchanim setting up the dates, parents screening the suitors and weeding them out based on their own issues… and yes, those of us who are dating and may not be the top tier do get slack from well meaning (the path to hell is paved with good intentions) and concerned 'friends' and shadchanim who let us know just how imperfect we are and how with, as this woman suggests, minor to major tweeks we could get what we want, married. And she may not be wrong, but you can't negate her words since it's true that this community has gone haywire in the dating area and the unreal expectations of most young people are expounded on by parents who think they are gods and a society who we claim we are above who gives us every guideline we have for what's beautiful…. so my experience has taught me that this 'world' progresses very slowly, and unfortunately for us in the dating scene this woman isn't far off– and that is the real problem. She is merely the messenger (and sheep) of a backwards system that is ruining the lives of our young people. I'm lucky that I am not a part of this dating nightmare, as my parents could care less about anything than my happiness and would never dream of projecting their ideals onto my dating life… And this is an issue for guys as well, girls are not immune to being critical about the guys they are dating and ruling out great guys based on the same issues she speaks of. While it's true that chemistry is key to any relationship, one thing everyone must do is filter their expectations and look for people to date and not ideals…
I think it's important to note that the author only mentioned plastic surgery as a last resort and only in very special cases where it would either correct a major disfigurement, and/or clearly bolster the woman's confidence and self-esteem, and that it is not for everyone. Her main point was that mothers who never have, should take the time to learn and invest in showing their daughters how to take pride in their appearance in a healthy way, and give them the tools to do so. This should go without saying for men as well, but her point was that with the reality of how people form first impressions, and the numbers working against women in shidduchim, it's important to teach young women to play to our strengths.
My favorite part of the article was this, and it lines up with one of my personal rants as well: "As a friend recently told me: “When my nephew was 19 and started shidduchim, he went out with 19-year-old girls. When he turned 20, he still went out with 19-year-old girls. He kept getting older, but the shidduchim that he was “redt” continued to be 19-year-old girls. Now he is 24 and baruch Hashem just got engaged –to a 19-year old girl.”.
"Sadly, women do not (usually) have this same recourse, (and for men it should NOT under any circumstances be encouraged)."
I think the one major mistake the author made was on page three, regarding her rather flippant retelling of a woman with low self esteem who remade herself with surgery and cosmetics, and then implied that this should be considered an acceptable attitude… I believe she really meant to make a point of the exception, and readers took it to mean that our "religious" culture as a whole should encourage this.
It seems that no one really thought about what she was saying as a whole, and instead attacked the one or two lines that should have been edited or left out of the article.
Overall, a thought provoking and worthy discussion, if you read the response.
http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/rabbi-shmuley-boteach-make-men-more-mature-rather-than-send-girls-under-the-knife/2012/03/28/
and take some time to think about where BOTH authors are coming from.
"I think it's important to note that the author only mentioned plastic surgery as a last resort and only in very special cases where it would either correct a major disfigurement, and/or clearly bolster the woman's confidence and self-esteem, and that it is not for everyone."
I'm really not sure where you are reading that in the article. I found nothing in the entire piece that encourages any caution whatsoever in undertaking plastic surgery, but maybe I missed it. She does state specifically, that "any girl" can be "turned into a swan". As for her own nose, she does not say it was grossly disfigured, only that she had newfound confidence when it was "resculpted".
Yes, but:
1) the swan comment was not mentioned in the part where she talked about plastic surgery,
2) the tone of the article and the implication does NOT suggest that surgery should be considered normal or mainstream, (she also didn't explicitly say that it should be considered normal or mainstream)
3) if you have time, read Gila Manolson's response,
http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/gila-manolson-a-response-to-yitta-halberstams-plea-to-mothers-of-girls-in-shidduchim/2012/03/26/
she is a better writer than I and has summed up my feelings about the matter.
Yes, but:
1) the tone of the article and the implication does NOT suggest that surgery should be considered normal or mainstream, (she also didn't explicitly say that it should be considered normal or mainstream) though I do feel that she crossed a line, which you will see if you read my whole comment.
2) if you have time, read Gila Manolson's response,
http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/gila-manolson-a-response-to-yitta-halberstams-plea-to-mothers-of-girls-in-shidduchim/2012/03/26/
she is a better writer than I and has summed up my feelings about the matter.
From what I remember of Megilas Esther, Esther was the only one of the women being paraded before Achashverosh that refused to put any make-up on, wear the fancy clothes, or adorn fancy jewels. I believe some mefarshim even say her skin was a shade of green and that she was not physically attractive at all. So your connection to purim is not accurate. Furthermore, why you would use an example of an non-Jewish immoral king who kidnapped young girls in his kingdom to support your claim is beyond me.
Yes, women should make an effort in their appearance (through exercise, good hygiene, and wearing clothes that flatter them) and have good eating habits (in order to live a long and healthy life). But plastic surgery?
Yes, maybe one girl will take your advice, get a nose job, and marry a superficial immature man. I'm just not sure the potential damage you're causing is worth it.
And then what happens the day after the wedding, when the man wakes up and finds that actually the eyeliner is NOT part of her eye and the blush is NOT built into her cheek? Must she wake up in the middle of the night to fix herself so that she will never be seen for who she truly is? This idea is horribly shallow and ridiculous.
I do not know Yitta Halberstam or Rabbi Boteach, and I do not judge any of them Chas VeShalom.
There is something interesting in the Talmud (Nedarim 66A) about Rabbi Yishma’el, VeHaMevin Yavin.
Shabbat Shalom OuMevorakh.
תלמוד בבלי מסכת נדרים דף סו עמוד א.
מתני'. פותחין לאדם בכבוד עצמו ובכבוד בניו, אומרים לו: אילו היית יודע שלמחר אומרין עליך כך היא ווסתו של פלוני מגרש את נשיו, ועל בנותיך יהו אומרין בנות גרושות הן, מה ראתה אמן של אלו להתגרש, ואמר: אילו הייתי יודע שכן לא הייתי נודר – ה"ז מותר. קונם שאני נושא את פלונית כעורה והרי היא נאה, שחורה והרי היא לבנה, קצרה והרי היא ארוכה – מותר בה, לא מפני שהיא כעורה ונעשת נאה, שחורה ונעשת לבנה, קצרה ונעשת ארוכה, אלא שהנדר טעות. ומעשה באחד שנדר מבת אחותו הנייה, והכניסוה לבית ר' ישמעאל וייפוה, אמר לו ר' ישמעאל: בני, מזו נדרת? אמר לו: לאו, והתירה ר' ישמעאל. באותה שעה בכה ר' ישמעאל ואמר: בנות ישראל נאות הן, אלא שהעניות מנוולתן. וכשמת ר' ישמעאל, היו בנות ישראל נושאות קינה ואומרות: בנות ישראל על ר' ישמעאל בכינה; וכן הוא אומר בשאול: +שמואל ב' א+ בנות ישראל על שאול בכינה.
רש"י: וייפוה – שקישטוה והלבישוה ונראית יפה.
Mrs. Halberstam, let me make a plea to YOU, and to anyone who considers this good advice. Come spend a day with me. Just one day, just to get a small taste of what an eating disorder can do to destroy a life, even one lucky enough to still be living, to be actively recovering.
You claim to want to help and understand the girls’ end of the shidduch crisis….come watch “Hungry to be Heard”, the documentary that the Orthodox Union put out about eating disorders in the frum world. Come to the Renfrew Center’s May 20th seminar on eating disorders and body image in the frum community.
And see exactly what you’ve done–all the hard work on the parts of myself and many many more dedicated, visionary people before me–that you’ve UNDONE with this one article….telling girls and young women that, in the end, our bodies ARE what will decide if we get married, that being a size zero IS what counts, and that it doesn’t matter HOW we get there, as long as we do.
Don’t worry about the abundance of resumes that you receive for your top son. Now that you’ve given this advice, the pressure to be perfect, the pressure to be thin–already devastatingly strong–eating disorders will rise in the community, I can guarantee it. And girls will die. Maybe some will marry, but many will die.
I’ve had an eating for more than half my life. I’ve lost more friends than I have fingers on my hand. The lucky ones of us who survive have long-lasting damage to our bodies. Multiple heart attacks. Organ system damage….sometimes organ failure. Fertility problems. And, of course, because we couldn’t possibly enter into shidduchim on psychiatric medication, constant risk of relapse and depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues that accompany eating disorders.
No, you didn’t advocate anorexia, but you’re playing with fire that you don’t understand. When you tell a girl she has to look a certain way to get married–tell a person they have to lose weight, or look a certain way, period (eating disorders affect both men and women, and as a girl who was begged to consider a guy who was “slightly overweight”–so slightly *I* couldn’t even tell–the danger isn’t JUST for the girls here), and a percentage will go to extremes to comply. At any cost. Whether plastic surgery (unnecessary risk?) or an eating disorder (deadly disease that DOES NOT GO AWAY).
It’s not just about fueling deadly eating disorders (although that’s a BIG problem). It’s about promoting everything that frumkeit is NOT about. How is it tznius to re-create one’s body for a potential mate? How is this demonstrating the essence of “kol kvoda pas melech pnima”? Yes, a wife should be attractive to her husband, but by HIS standards….not YOURS, Mrs. Halberstam, not secular society’s, not ONE specific “type” for all.
I’m both horrified and sickened by the idea that THIS is considered “help”. This is hurtful, harmful, will possibly be responsible for the death of girls who just want to get married, who start starving themselves to lose that weight, and find themselves stuck in the gehenom that is an eating disorder–sick and miserable, AND not married.
I invite YOU, Mrs. Halberstam, and ANY reader who thinks this is good advice, to spend a day with me. Watch “Hungry to be Heard”. I mean it. You’re playing with fire so deadly, so painful, you have no idea. I do.
I have to believe it’s worth waiting for the guy who wants the real you. Because NOTHING is worth the misery of trying to make yourself “perfect”.
I think that we have to give Yitta credit for alerting us to the situation, even if the outcome is that people stop and question whether or not men want to marry surgically altered women. I don’t think that there is a single thing wrong with advising women to wear make-up and have their hair styled. Most people could use good nutrition and exercise, even if their weight is totally normal. This whole discussion may have made people aware that there are those who won’t stop at going to the drugstore to by a lipstick. Maybe gatherings for mothers of boys to meet girls are not so healthy. Maybe some girls might want to reevaluate what kind of boys that they want. Maybe some rabbonim will come out against boys looking for underweight wives. People who are slightly overweight are usually healthier than people who are severely underweight. Underweight people should not be thought of as attractive. We do need to change that perception. The whole discussion is one that has to happen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCuiN2JnjpE
Like most issues in Judaism, even plastic surgery for marriage is nothing new…a song from Mad Magazine from 1961. Enjoy!