Recently, I overheard two four-year-old girls leaving their nursery school classroom. They seemed comfortable with each other and were holding hands as they exited the classroom.
“Do you want to come to my house?” Miriam asked Yocheved while they waited for their mothers to pick them up.
“Yep, I do. But, I have to ask my mommy,” Yocheved replied, struggling to zip up her coat.
“Okay. I will ask my mommy also. I think she’ll say yes,” Miriam confidently said.
“Me too. What kind of dolls do you have at home?” Yocheved asked with a smile.
The two girls continued to chat about dolls and games until their carpools came and they parted ways.
It was wonderful to see two girls happily conversing, completely at ease in each other’s company. They clearly have social skills on par for their age, perhaps even a bit above their grade level.
We don’t often think about children at such a young age having social skills, but did you know that you begin to develop social skills from birth? Infants cry when they are wet, hungry, or tired. Then, at six weeks, they recognize that smiles signify enjoyment and pleasure. Eventually, they begin to communicate through words and sounds. Children continue to gain social skills at each stage of their development.
When children are young, their parents and siblings are their playmates. Together, you have built impressive block towers, cooked up foul smelling concoctions, and had countless outings to the park. As children grow older and start attending preschool, their social circle expands and playdates become an important part of their lives.
Playdates help children exercise their skills in a relaxed setting, solidify friendships, and gain independence. Often, though, parents are over-involved or under-involved in playdates, creating a situation that is not beneficial for the children or parents. So, how can you plan the perfect playdate?
Amanda Rock, a prolific writer about parenting and children, provides the following tips:
- Listen carefully. Your child will often come home from school talking about one or two children. Listen to which names come up most frequently and ask your child if he would like to ask those friends to come over to play. Alternatively, you can ask his teacher if there is a particular classmate that your child plays nicely with in school. Choosing the right playmate is the first step towards creating successful playdates.
- Keep it small. Invite just one friend over. An odd number of children allows for the opportunity for someone to be left out. With only two children at the playdate, there is no chance that someone will be excluded.
- Stay at home. If your child is young and just beginning to have playdates, consider staying home in order to keep your child comfortable. To that end, invite the other child’s parent to stay until her child settles in. If the playdate is at the friend’s house, stay. Your presence might make your young child more relaxed, especially in the case of conflict.
- Hide one or two toys. It’s hard for children to share. Therefore, before a friend comes over, ask your child what toys he does not want to share. Take those toys and put them out of sight. This will give your preschooler a sense of control over his possessions.
- Prepare snacks. Young children need to eat small meals frequently. At times, children can get hyper and cranky if they are hungry, therefore, be prepared with healthy snacks to feed their small stomachs. Feel free to ask your child what snack he would like you to serve before the playdate starts.
- Be at hand, but stay out of the way. Once your child’s playdate arrives, don’t just leave the room. Instead, suggest some activities that will get things going. Taking out puzzles, musical instruments, or blocks are great ways to break the ice. Once the children begin to play together, take a backseat, but be available in case they need you.
- Let the children resolve conflict. Unless the conflict gets physical, stay out of it. Small conflicts in controlled areas are wonderful opportunities for children to learn conflict resolution. Of course, if the argument escalates, step in and help the children come up with a compromise. In addition, conflict might signify that it is time for a new activity or a snack.
- Give warnings before the playdate ends. Children need to understand when their fun is going to come to an end. About 20 minutes before the playdate is about to end, let the kids know that soon it will be time to clean up. With 10 minutes left, start the clean up process. If they have a hard time with this, set a timer and have a “clean up race” – can the adults and children together clean up together before the timer goes off?
The big question is: why put so much thought and effort into a simple preschooler’s playdate? The answer is relatively simple: playdates are the foundations of friendships and friendships are integral to happy and healthy childhoods. Your child will learn how to share possessions and feelings, gain conflict resolution skills, and achieve independence.
You can never start too early with social skills and playdates are the perfect place to begin!
