web analytics
June 18, 2013 / 10 Tammuz, 5773
At a Glance ▼
Sections
Sponsored Post
Bicycle in South Pioneers of the Periphery: Olim of the South

Got that pioneering spirit? You’re invited to help build Israel’s periphery by planting roots in southern soil with Nefesh B’Nefesh.



Home » Sections » Family »
COMMUNICATION

The Secret of Turning Misery into Happiness

tell a friend
misery and happiness

Photo Credit: Yori Yanover

It may also make things easier if you begin to communicate with your wife instead of constantly fighting about the same issues. Is it possible for both of you to agree to disagree and develop a loving relationship based on other things? Try to open the lines of communication by going back to the drawing board.

Can you and your wife make some time to have a date and talk about things that are unrelated to your differences? Can you and your wife focus on your beautiful family? Obviously there must be some major shifts in the way that you and your wife perceive and relate to each other. If the two of you are willing to make the effort to learn how to relate to each other in a different manner, both of you might be surprised to find out that you may actually enjoy each other’s company and that you want to be happy – together. Remember the saying, “kemayim panim el panim, kein lev ha’adam – people will treat you the same way that you treat them.” The lesson: If you are always looking for your wife’s faults or her differences with you, she is likely looking for the same things in you.

Instead, turn over a new leaf and compliment your wife, appreciate her good qualities, and make an effort to focus on why you should stay together rather than why you are unhappy with her.

As a Modern Orthodox Jew, you appear to follow halacha but are upset by other issues. I am not certain, though, that this is true. Perhaps those other issues reflect other inner issues that are making you miserable. If this is so, please seek guidance from a competent rav or frum therapist. One or both of them will hopefully help you get through this trying time.

Remember that your wife is different than your mother and that just because she dresses like your mother or has some of the same views regarding Yiddishkeit, it does not mean that your wife has the same personality or outlook on life. It is possible that you are associating your feelings about your wife with all of your negative feelings about your mother. This can be very destructive in a marriage because things that may be innocent or miniscule may become vital in your mind due to this association.

Your wife does not appear to be like your mother in both personality and middos; thus it would be prudent to start focusing on all of your wife’s good qualities. If you do so, maybe your wife will feel loved and appreciated – and respond in kind. And you might be able to reshape your interactions, making them positive, loving exchanges. This will have a great impact on the way you feel.

Hashem sometimes sends us gifts that we just don’t appreciate. Hatzlachah!

Pages: 1 2 All Pages
tell a friend

About the Author:


You might also be interested in:


If you don't see your comment after publishing it, refresh the page.
no comments

Comments are closed.

SocialTwist Tell-a-Friend

Latest Sections Stories
Kodish-061413-Dancing
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Yet all are part of one neshamah, planted in rich, verdant soil, determined to grow. May our garden continue to produce a glorious assortment of flowers and trees, each attached firmly to its roots. Our diverse southern vegetation flourishes and grows into different trees, flowers, and fruits, and a rainbow of glorious shades and hues appears. Yet each shoot is rooted in the same soil, stretching its branches and blossoms heavenward in an endless pursuit of growth and connection to the One above.

Baim-061413-Long-hair
Sections → Jewess Press → Daily Living

This past Lag B’Omer, we were blessed to make our first upsherin, where we celebrate our son’s first hair cut. It’s a wonderful milestone that mimics the three years that we refrain from plucking a tree’s first fruits and symbolizes the entry of the child into the world of Torah learning. It’s a clear sign to everyone; this boy is no longer a baby.

Littman-061413-Bridge
Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Although there are more direct and faster routes to Beer Sheva and Eilat and all the sites and towns in-between, the Basor River is one of the beauties of the Negev that defiantly justifies a diversion.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

The importance of death customs has been ingrained in me since birth. When I served as a shomeret for my grandmother, I was instructed not to eat, drink or perform a mitzvah in the same room. In the shock of death, it seemed rather inane to be told it would be considered mocking the dead. My grandmother was gone; she couldn’t do those things because she didn’t exist anymore, a fact that still makes me tear up.

Sections → Magazine → Potpourri

I would have to say that one of the most annoying things about having a newspaper advice column, aside from all these people writing to me and asking for advice, is that they frequently don’t tell me WHY they’re asking.

Sections → Features → Features On The Jewish World

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv zt”l, who passed away on 28 Tammuz, (July18) this year at age 102, spent all of his days and most of his nights learning Torah. He was the paramount leader of our generation, and inspired tremendous awe and reverence in everyone who knew him. Now, every woman has the stunning opportunity to do something in his memory. A Sefer Torah is being written in his memory and women around the world have the chance to dedicate a letter.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Due to her family situation, it is understandable that she will have more responsibilities than other girls her age, but she would benefit from having some free time and receiving more appreciation for her hard work.

Sections → Family → Parenting Our Children

For children, summer means outdoor sports, picnics, and of course, no school! Teachers and students work hard all year long – and everyone deserves a break from education over the summer. However, this two-month break can often have some pretty devastating consequences.

Sections → Family

It was only after we celebrated the great news that we were expecting twins that we saw the first sign of problems. First of all, my wife was losing, not gaining weight, even as the babies continued to grow normally. Soon after, routine blood work revealed that my wife was suffering from gestational diabetes.

Sections → Community → West Coast Happenings

Rabbi Pinchas Gruman is the new rav of the Minyan at Aish Tamid.

One of the most respected Torah figures in Los Angeles, Rabbi Gruman has been described as “The Los Angeles link in the mesorah of the yeshiva world” by Rabbi Nachum Sauer. As a talmid in Lakewood in the 1950s, Rabbi Gruman received semicha from Rav Aaron Kotler, zt”l, and Rav Moshe Feinstein, zt”l. Soon after, he moved to Los Angeles.

Sections → Magazine → Teens and Twenties

Another tree is down.

I’m driving down Lakewood Avenue, figuring that maybe, just maybe, the tree that blocked the middle of North Lake Drive has been removed, and I can go through. After all, they had a whole day. I’m sure things have been taken care of.

More Articles from Dr. Yael Respler
Respler-Yael
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Due to her family situation, it is understandable that she will have more responsibilities than other girls her age, but she would benefit from having some free time and receiving more appreciation for her hard work.

Respler-060713
Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

My husband and I are married for three years and want to have children. Thus I’m undergoing fertility treatment, and gaining weight as a result.

At a wedding I recently attended, everyone was looking at my stomach. Someone actually approached me and said, smiling, “I see that you put on some weight, so when is the baby due?”

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

I read the May 10 letter in your column from H.S. (Depression: Not A Hopeless Malady) regarding her husband’s rabbi’s view about depression, and your response to it.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr. Yael:

Do you really believe that the Internet is the reason why the divorce rate is so high among young couples? This may be so in some cases, but what about the fact that many singles are pressured to get married at a young age despite not having any idea what they are looking for in a mate? And add to that the fact that many are pressured to make a decision about marriage after dating for a very short period of time.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

The two proceeded to talk about everyday things and surprisingly her mother-in-law did not find anything else to criticize. This occurred a few more times, with my client changing the topic every time by complimenting her mother-in-law or mentioning something positive about her.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Dear Dr Yael:

During a shiur on Pirkei Avos, a rabbi admired by my husband spoke about how some people begrudge others certain things. He mentioned the “D” word (without saying the word itself), and I think he said it was an illness talked about in the Gemara. He said that people suffering from this “machalah shachor” (dark illness) should live in a desert with the wild animals. My assumption was that the person would be left to die there.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

Instead of putting it all on the men, saying for example that they are “trained” by “society” to feel, think and behave as they do, perhaps you could have encouraged these self-described happily-married women to look in the mirror and try to figure out why their husbands seem to act insensitively toward them.

Sections → Family → Marriage and Relationships

My friend forwarded this letter and I am sharing it with you, my readers as it concerns an issue that affects many in the “sandwich generation.”

    Latest Poll

    Should the government spy on its citizens?







    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/turning-misery-into-happiness/2012/09/28/

Scan this QR code to visit this page online:

No related posts.

Close