Marriage; Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Posted on: August 18th, 2010

Zelda woke up with a start, the silence eerie and disorienting. She has been waking up this way for almost a year - since shortly after Ruchy and her husband left for Eretz Yisroel. "I can go back to sleep," thought Zelda. But she lay in bed, straining to hear the sounds which for so many years began her day. The banging of bathroom doors, the shouting for lost and then found shoes, tights and seforim, the noise of phones and doorbells ringing, the house filled to the brim with comings and goings.

Beyond The Picket Fence

Posted on: July 28th, 2010

At a wedding, I sit across from a woman I don't know. "What's your name?" she asks me. "Alanna Fine," I say, choosing to introduce myself with my maiden name. "And what's your maiden name?" she asks me. "That is my maiden name." "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought that was a sheitel on your head." "It is. I'm divorced." "Oh, I'm sorry." "It's ok," I reply, knowing it won't be the last time I hear that.

Being A Good Wife Is Sometimes Not Enough

Posted on: June 2nd, 2010

Sometimes a few sessions of marital therapy can solve problems that were festering for years. The married couple have often locked themselves into such a struggle; they need help to simply untangle the knot. This has a lot to do with the high level of emotion they are feeling - just think of the expression "I am so angry I can't think straight. The husband and wife often cannot think logically or clearly. Every issue between them is filled with layers of anger, hurt, betrayal and fear that has built up over the years due to miscommunication.

Closet Claustrophobia

Posted on: May 12th, 2010

If you knew how much trouble I had getting gay men to be interviewed by me, you would doubt that the term "gay" applies to them. Their elusive hesitance, their resistance to revealing any identifying information including their phone numbers and the need for my repeated reassurances that I would respect their privacy and exercise discretion further evidences that they are not happy with their former identities and associations and have chosen a different path because "gay" and homosexual are not necessarily synonymous. In fact Dan (not his real name) was quick to confirm my assumptions. He felt it was very much an oxymoron to be gay and happy in his life.

Doing What Comes Naturally?

Posted on: April 14th, 2010

Many years ago, I was meeting relatives at the airport when I ran into someone I knew whom I hadn't seen in a few years. Someone who was a very active homosexual. I asked him what he was doing at the airport and he told me he was there to pick up his wife and kids. "Oh," I said and, as if on cue, his wife appeared with two little kids in tow.

Keeping Your Relationship Strong When Money Gets Tight

Posted on: December 16th, 2009

During these difficult financial times, many couples, usually without ever noticing it, start dealing with life as individuals. They begin to recede from each other and allow a distance to develop. They stop talking. They find their feelings to be too intense and too difficult to face, so they don't share them. They don't want to share that they are scared, so each partner says nothing and goes into a deep and lonely place within. They don't fight for their relationship. Instead they fight over money and who's at fault for the situation. They blame each other for not making enough money, for spending too much money, for not saving money, or for not spending enough time doing the things that will bring in more money.

The Marriage Meeting Program

Posted on: November 25th, 2009

The morning blessings provide a daily reminder of the mitzvah to bring peace between a husband and wife. However, most couples can maintain sholom bayis on their own with a practical, easy-to-implement system: the Marriage Meeting Program.

Righteous Shunning – or a Curse on those who Shun?

Posted on: November 4th, 2009

Have you joined with other women in your community to punish someone who has behaved badly? I have seen several instances of shunning, where women banded together to cut someone out of the social life of their synagogue and neighborhood in order to punish her for wrongdoing. Women shunning another woman, often feel they are participating in a positive act, but it is one they do not discuss with their rabbi. This is a modern, informal version of cherem.

Match-Making

Posted on: October 21st, 2009

My oldest daughter recently celebrated her nineteenth birthday, and I'm just now getting used to the idea that my husband and I are heading into a new parsha in our lives: Getting ready to find a shidduch for our daughter. So it wasn't any wonder that the topic came up when I ran into an old friend at shul the other day.

Shalom Task Force: Answering The Call Of Domestic Abuse

Posted on: October 9th, 2009

Due to the overwhelming amount of e-mail I have received about domestic abuse, this week’s column focuses on the services of Shalom Task Force. (Names and situation have been changed) According to the Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence, three out of four Americans know someone who is or has been a victim of [...]

Part 28 – Healthy Marriages Equal Longer Life Expectancy

Posted on: August 28th, 2009

Can improving your marriage help you live longer? A fascinating study led by researchers at Hebrew University revealed that Bnei Brak, an Israeli city that has one of the highest proportions of ultra-Orthodox Jews, also had the longest life expectancy in Israel. This is what the report found:

Part 27 – Refocusing Your Perspective On Your In-laws

Posted on: August 14th, 2009

The number one factor in resolving problems of acceptance by in-laws is your spouse’s support. As with all close relationships, it’s an art to support your spouse without jumping into the fight or feeding his or her discontent.

Part 26 – Relating To Your In-laws

Posted on: August 7th, 2009

You may think you said “I do” to just one person on your wedding day, but the reality of married life is that you actually vowed to honor several people. Marriage comes with new challenges; some of which you had no idea were waiting for you.

Im Yirtzeh Hashem

Posted on: August 5th, 2009

With Tu B'Av - a holiday renowned for women "dancing in the fields" and meeting a man - falling out on Wednesday, August 5, we'd like to share the following annual letter:

Part 25 – Learning To Be Content

Posted on: July 31st, 2009

One of the most important ways a couple can manage money together is to learn the art of contentment. We have already discussed how making a budget can be a very simple way to start saving money.

Part 24 – Making a Monthly Budget

Posted on: July 22nd, 2009

There's no getting around it: in marriage, a budget is a requirement for good money management. A budget is simply (1) a tool to increase your consciousness of how and where you spend your money, and (2) a guideline to help you spend your money on the things that are most important to you. Following a budget can create money for savings, where you thought there was none.

Part 23 – How Do You Relate To Money?

Posted on: July 17th, 2009

To help couples better understand where they stand on financial issues, here is a mini quiz that both partners can take and use to facilitate a discussion about money.

Ego Strengths – And Their Absence

Posted on: July 15th, 2009

Throughout our lives, we will all experience endless irritations and frustrations, as well as many losses, such as losing a job, suffering betrayal and abuse, and the death of a loved one. What makes the difference between those who stay down and those who pick themselves up and start rebuilding?

Part 22 – Managing Money Together

Posted on: July 10th, 2009

You marry for love and friendship. Yet there are practical concerns involved in making a living and managing your finances that can affect the quality of your marriage.

Part 21 – Therapy For Marriage And Parenting Issues

Posted on: July 3rd, 2009

There are some marital issues that are too sensitive for a couple to handle alone. These issues might include mistrust; lack of marital satisfaction; conflict involving in-laws, friends, siblings, and children; verbal abuse; and so on. When dealing with such problems, the best course is to ask a professional outside party for advice and opinions.