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October 23, 2016 / 21 Tishri, 5777

Posts Tagged ‘dr’

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, October 7th, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael:

I thought I was doing a huge mitzvah; I didn’t realize it would destroy my family.

Baruch Hashem, we are well off and can and do give a lot of tzeddakah. We opened our home to a meshulach from Israel who we felt was trying to raise money for a good cause. We gave him a private room and bathroom; he joined us for supper on some nights and most Shabbos meals. He became like a part of our family.

And then something happened. Our children started acting out in ways we didn’t understand. We took them to see a therapist, who, after spending some time with them, discovered that our guest had been abusing our children while he lived with us.

Now all our children are in intensive therapy. The man in question was asked to remove himself from our home and told to go back to Israel and get psychological help. We also told him that if we find out he has come back to the United States we would file a lawsuit against him. I wanted to do sue him now, but my husband feels sorry for his wife and large amount of children.

Dr. Respler, I ask you to please share this letter with your readers. Please tell people to be careful whom they let into their home. A separate chesed apartment is one thing, but the guest should have no free access to a family’s home or children.

My husband and I are overwhelmed with guilt over what we allowed to happen to our children. I hope this letter serves as a warning to other parents.

A Guilty Mother


Dear Guilty Mother:

I am so sorry at what happened to you and to your family, but please, do not feel guilty; it is not an emotion that will not be productive for you. You had no way of knowing that the person you were bringing into your home was dangerous.

That being said, I can’t tell you the number of times adult patients have told me that they were the victims of abuse by guests in their homes when they were children.

Readers, we have made this point before, but obviously, it needs to be repeated: Do not leave your children alone with people you don’t know. Do not leave them alone with guests who offer to watch them so you can get some rest.

What else can we do? Make sure our children know basic information. My thanks to Dr. Susan Schulman for allowing me to share what she tells her patients to say to their children.

Children must be told that anything that is covered by a bathing suit is private, or kadosh. No one can look or touch there – other than a doctor during an examination or a parent if the child has said that there is something wrong.

Tell the child from the time he or she is able to speak and is sent away from the house even to playgroup the following information, on his or her level:


1) There are no secrets from Mommy and Daddy/Ema and Abba/ Mommy and Tatty. If someone tells you that we are doing something that is a secret and you should not tell your parents, you must tell.

2) If someone tells you he (or she) will buy you a present or tries to give you a present to go with him somewhere privately, don’t go. We are your parents and will buy you presents and everything you need.

3) If someone tells you he will hurt your parents, tell him that your parents are very strong and you know that he is just trying to scare you.

4) Tell your child never to go anywhere where there are no other people. “Hide and seek” must be played in safe places in your house where you can supervise.

5) Even the mikvah can be a dangerous place. Do not send your son alone to the mikvah, even if he is over bar mitzvah.

6) Sleepaway camp and dorms can be dangerous as well. Children must be taught to be cautious in all situations.

The following signs may mean that your child has been molested but is either afraid to tell you or does not even understand what has happened.


2-9 years of age:

  • Fear of certain things: people, places, activities
  • Behavioral regression – bed wetting for example
  • Trouble eating or changes in appetite
  • Nightmares, trouble sleeping
  • Withdrawal from loved ones
  • Feeling shameful or guilty

Ages 9+:

  • Depression Nightmares, trouble sleeping
  • Suddenly doing poorly in school
  • Promiscuous activity
  • Drug and alcohol abuse
  • Signs of aggression
  • Running away from home
  • Suicidal thoughts and gestures
  • Overly mature behavior
  • Exuding anger at being forced into situations out of their control


Warning signs of abuse:

Although physical signs of abuse are rare, if you see any of the following, have your child examined by a physician:

  • Pain during urination and/or bowel movements
  • Bleeding, discharges or pain in mouth, genitals or anus
  • Difficulty walking, sitting, standing
  • Self-induced injuries such as cutting, burning, suicide attempts


Guilty Mother, thank you again for writing to us and please take comfort in the hope that this letter will help other families avoid the trauma yours is experiencing. Hatzlocha!

Dr. Yael Respler

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, September 30th, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael,

I am writing to you about the frightening situation currently taking place in our home. Our family is Modern Orthodox Machmir and we have a television and Internet-connection in our home. My husband seems to make fun of the chareidi community with all of its asifot and proclamations against the Internet, texting, and technology in general.

Well, guess what? I think these rabbis are totally correct. My kids each have their own iPads and are totally focused on the various games they play. They also text their friends all the time. Our older kids have cell phones with Internet access and, honestly, I have no idea what sites they go to and what they do, as I must give them their privacy.

My husband is a technology junkie and has every gadget under the sun. Baruch Hashem for Shabbat, it’s the only time we actually eat together and have family time.

I know that my kids have friends who text on Shabbat, but I insist on taking all their devices before Shabbat and locking them in a closet. My husband does the same with our stuff. But, as soon as Shabbat is over, we all run to retrieve our devices and during the rest of the week it seems as if we hardly see each other.

I am an avid reader of your column and I remember the whole controversy about the teenager whose parents took away her cell phone when they found inappropriate texts. These parents were so smart; I think it might be too late for our family. My kids are all in their teens and I am not sure what I can do to curtail their Internet use. And with a husband who is addicted to technology, my options are very limited.

Dr. Respler, is there anything I can do to help my family?

A Fan


Dear Fan,

As my regular readers know, this is a topic we have addressed many times. However, this week I would like to focus on what secular research says about technology and our children.

Computers and smartphones are keeping our children wired, tired, aggressive, and, in some cases, seemingly psychotic. There are those who believe technology should be considered “Digital Heroin” and claim that battling a technology addiction is harder than battling drugs.

Interestingly, many tech-cautious parents are tech-designers. After doing some research, I found that a great number of Silicon Valley tech-executives and engineers enroll their kids in schools that follow the Waldorf philosophy. These schools believe in hands-on activities and creative play as well as developing strong social skills and empathetic understanding.

Steve Jobs was known to be a notorious low-tech parent; in his home they had tech-free dinners. Google founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page attended no-tech Montessori schools, as did Amazon creator Jeff Bezos and Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales.

These are all non-Jewish or non-religious people who understand how technology affects our brains. They clearly agree with our dear rabbonim.

As a therapist, I can tell you that technology is killing our community. It leads to inappropriate addictions, divorce, and a complete lack of family time. As you said, Baruch Hashem we have Shabbos.

That being said, there is currently an epidemic of teenagers from very frum homes who are texting and visiting social media on Shabbos and Yom Tov. It seems they can’t begin to disconnect.

So what can you do?

Your first step must be to reach out to your husband. How can you expect your children to be any different if he is heavily addicted to technology? The Shabbat closet is a great idea; maybe you can brainstorm something similar for dinner hour or a time at night by which everyone’s devices are turned off – a technology curfew if you will.

Next, try to get your children involved in activities that are unrelated to technology: playing sports, physical activity, exercise, swimming, yoga, dance or exercise classes. These will all raise their endorphin levels and help them feel good about themselves.

Maybe there are chesed-related activities you can do as a family. This will not only help you all feel accomplished and fulfilled, it will be time you can spend together when it is not Shabbos.

The rehabilitation of your family must begin with your husband and yourself. Children learn more from our behavior than from what we tell them to do. If you want your children to even consider cutting down their screen time, you and your husband must be positive role models. Whatever you decide to do, it must be a joint effort – it is essential that your children see a united front.

Readers, I await your ideas and suggestions for this family and other suffering from technology addictions.

Hatzlacha to all and a gut gebentched yur.

Dr. Yael Respler

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, September 23rd, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael,

Thank you for printing my letter about not receiving shadchanus or a thank you for a shidduch I was involved in (Dear Dr. Yael, 6-24). In last week’s inbox I noticed a letter from Ava Mann who said that I had no right to be disappointed in the way I was treated. Ms. Mann believes I should make peace with it, as I was nothing more than a messenger who did not do much work for the shidduch.

I originally wrote that letter to let others know that this is certainly not decent or customary behavior. Yiddishkeit stresses the importance of hakaras hatov as a foundational characteristic. Whether a shadchan has an easy or difficult task facilitating a shidduch is irrelevant. If there’s no beginning, there’s certainly no end. As a matter of fact, even if there is a beginning, there is sometimes no end. The mere fact that someone is asked to be the go-between, which can result in a couple getting married, qualifies that particular messenger as being a shadchan. Of course, I took the high road, forgave their poor behavior, and wished them well. I understand that some people are simply incapable of expressing gratitude when it comes to shidduchim, especially in proportion to the work the shadchan actually put into their situation.

As I said in my original letter, I do not make shidduchim because I want money or gifts, but I do think a sincere thank you would certainly be appropriate. I do think the letter writer should learn the halachos involved in shidduchim and understand the ramifications of not acknowledging a shadchan. Lack of hakaras hatov in shidduchim is definitely a serious matter and one that can affect a couple’s future. Our Torah is a wonderful blueprint and guide to how to handle various situations, and we have many competent and qualified rabbonim and poskim to clarify these matters.

My hope in writing the letter was that people would seek the advice of a rav about this very serious issue.



Dear Readers,

As this is indeed a serious issue that many believe can affect a couple’s future, I reached out to my dayan and posek, Rav Gavriel Zinner, for clarification. Rav Zinner told me that there are two specific issues in regards to shidduchim:


  1. One is halachically required to pay the shadchan before the wedding.
  1. There can be problems with a couple’s shalom bayis and fertility if no payment is rendered to the shadchan. This is based on Shulchan Aruch (Choshen Mishpat) which states that just as one must pay a broker a commission when purchasing a home, a person must pay a shadchan for his or her work as well.


Rav Zinner said that ideally one should give money and not a gift. He asked if I had ever heard of a broker who agreed to accept a gift as payment for selling a home. How much more so in a shidduch which affects one’s whole life.

Showing hakaras hatov is also very important. Of course, most people do not make shidduchim so that they can get money or thanks, but that does not mean that the couple who were fortunate to find each other shouldn’t be thankful to the one who helped the process along. One thing does not negate the other.

In general, being grateful about everything, even the small things, can make you into a more positive person. Very often we don’t take the time to realize how much we have been given and how much we should be grateful for. We need to focus on what is going right rather than on the difficulties we are having each day. Once we learn how to do that and to verbally express our gratitude to Hashem and others, we will become much happier people!

Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside and author of the bestseller The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, researched gratitude and happiness and found that expressing gratitude has many benefits. People who are grateful tend to be happier, hopeful and energetic, and experience positive emotions more often than individuals who aren’t grateful. People who are grateful are also likely to be more spiritual or religious, forgiving, empathetic, and helpful, while being less depressed, envious or neurotic. She asked one of her research groups to write down five things that they could be grateful for – once a week for ten weeks. Another group was asked to do something similar, but with five things that caused them stress. The grateful group tended to feel more satisfied and optimistic and also reported less headaches, nausea and coughing. In addition, they spent more time exercising, demonstrating more optimal health as well!

Dennis Prager also wrote a book about happiness and discusses gratitude as being the secret to happiness. However, he found that expectations could undermine gratitude and thus a person’s happiness. Specifically, he wrote that “the more expectations you have, the less gratitude you will have.” In other words, the less you expect, the more you will be grateful for.

It’s nice to show gratitude, but more importantly, you will gain tremendously from being a grateful person! We should never take another person’s kindness for granted nor should we take anything we have for granted! May we all make an effort to be more grateful and become happier people! Thank you for your response! Hatzlocha!

Dr. Yael Respler

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, September 16th, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael,

I’m stunned by the courage the brave baalat teshuva has shown (Dear Dr. Yael 9-2).

Unfortunately, in some communities people can be very small-minded and, if they see someone who is not an exact replica of themselves, they can act cold, distant and unwelcoming.

Your writer said one thing that I thought was amazing: “I’m here to stay.” I love that; I love that she has the smart attitude of someone who is really connected to Hashem, and acknowledges that no one person or community will change her commitment to and love for Hashem and His Torah. As Shlomo HaMelech says in Shir HaShirim, “Mayim rabim lo yachul lechabot et ahava, Many waters wouldn’t be able to extinguish the love.” In this case, the waters are the negative vibes that she is receiving from the very people who are supposed to welcome her with open arms – those who are frum from birth and who are supposed to be her role models.

Can I say directly to the writer: Yes, baalei teshuva are on a higher madreiga, level, than even tzadikim gemurim. And yes, it is sad that the people you have come in contact with do not seem to have processed or accepted the message of Chazal. But as long as you do, as long as you internalize that you are special and that Hashem treasures you, life may be challenging, but the light of Torah and Yiddishkeit will shine in you. Always remember that your strength and courage comes from Him.

I agree with Dr. Respler’s advice that you move away from any community where people do not appreciate your specialness and the commitment you have made.

I wish you tremendous hatzlacha in all of your endeavors and daven that Hashem grant you a Shana Tova, a year filled with bracha. Please feel free to get in touch with me at any time; I would love to be part of your support system.

Leshana tova ticatevu,


  Dear Orah,

Thank you for your beautiful letter. Reading your letter to our writer made me realize that we both overlooked one very important point: being dan le’kaf zechus. It is essential in all of our dealings that we try to give others the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps those who have been ignoring our original writer or acting in a manner that appears rude are really just quiet and shy. It’s possible that they are insecure and do not know how to make new friends. If this is so, then they are not ignoring this young woman because they think she is unimportant, rather, they may be uncomfortable with themselves, which may cause them to seem aloof and uncaring.

While I still think it may be a good idea for this woman to start anew in a more friendly and accepting neighborhood, it may also be good for her to speak to a local rav or rebbetzin about what she is experiencing. Maybe within this same community there is a more open and inviting shul.

In general, most people are self-focused and need to be reminded that there are new people in shul or on the block. Sometimes it is up to us to be the one to greet the other with a big smile and nice “Good Shabbos” as a way of opening a conversation.

Another point of note to the original writer: It seems you wrote your letter after Tisha B’Av. Many people keep the minhag of not greeting others – especially strangers – as a sign of aveilus. So, again, what you saw as rude may just have been people keeping the custom of the day. You could have taken the opportunity to say, “I hope you have a meaningful fast.” I would think that most people would be hard-pressed not to respond to that.

As we continue through Chodesh Elul let us make a concerted effort to make sure that others feel welcome in our shuls and communities.  May our efforts in ahavas Yisroel bring Moshiach b’meheira b’yameinu!

Dr. Yael Respler

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, September 9th, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael,

While I know this column primarily deals with marital and family relationships, as a frequent reader, I know you have addressed other issues as well.

I just turned 40 and I’ve never abused alcohol, but I do smoke. After a lifetime of responsibility and hard work, I find myself feeling old for my own good. I want to stay healthy for my family and, of course, for myself, so I have decided to start exercising. I tried to start this process on my 30th birthday, but pushing around machines in a gym bored me and I have always been a bit too heavy for jogging. I worry about my family and I want to be healthy to take care of them and protect them.

My reason for writing is two-fold:

First of all, what exercise program do you suggest I do that will keep me engaged? And second, how do I find the time to do it with a full time job and a full family commitment?

Thank you for your time!



Since fitness and self defense is a specialty of Captain Eilon Even-Esh, I asked him to answer this question. Captain Even-Esh has trained my son and his friends in Krav Maga and has helped many children and adults gain confidence and increase their physical and emotional strength.


Dear Heshy,

Thank you for asking such important and relevant questions. My first suggestion would be that you pick up the phone and make an appointment to see your physician. Before beginning any exercise program, you want to make sure you are healthy.

For now, my suggestions will assume that you are basically healthy, just “out of shape.”

Allow me to address the second part of your question first, that of time. In our circles, it is rare to find anyone with “free time.” So sneak in the physical activity whenever possible. Take the stairs, play with the kids, go for a walk with your wife, and gradually work yourself up to more strenuous activity. Whatever you do, don’t let the illusion of free time be a prerequisite for an exercise program. We can all wake up an hour earlier or go to bed an hour later. Most of us would do well to turn off all electronic devices after a certain hour and salvage that time for the betterment of our health. Ultimately, you have to follow Nike’s advice to “Just do it.” That’s how to start.

The secret to keeping at it and turning physical activity into a lifestyle is to make sure you enjoy what you’re doing.

Work is difficult and, well, that’s why it’s called work. Exercise, however, shouldn’t be work. It should be play. The Rambam suggests engaging in exercise that also “speaks to the soul.” That being said, everyone has a different temperament. Find the activity that moves you and develop that activity into your own exercise program. I am a former military man and a Krav Maga practitioner, but we are all attracted to different activities. I recently walked nearly a half marathon with a teenager who previously refused to do any physical activity. How did I get a sedentary teenager to walk that far and to want to do it again? During our conversations I discovered that he had a certain GPS-oriented game on his cell phone. It is essentially a scavenger hunt game where the player needs to walk certain distances in order to find more and better virtual stuff. The game is addictive and I have seen grown men in suits play it. The previously sedentary teenager had so much fun that we walked for four hours straight and he wanted to do it again.

Do you have kids? Find out what physical activity they like and do it with them for thirty minutes a night after dinner. They don’t know what they like? Try shooting hoops or riding bicycles together. At the very least, go for a walk and have a nice chat. You’ll strengthen the bond between you and your children and burn a few calories while you’re at it.

You mentioned that you were too heavy for jogging and the gym bored you. I suggest your exercise program involve learning a skill that also helps protect your family. As self-defense is something I enjoy, I would suggest learning Krav Maga, which is a reality based martial art developed by the Israeli military. Since most folks outside the military don’t wear body armor and carry rifles, with time it further evolved into a civilian-appropriate application. There is something very satisfying about learning how to use your body to defend yourself and your loved ones. And sweat brought about through punching and kicking pads full force is almost always accompanied by a smile.

You mentioned that you smoke. I have had more than one student quit smoking altogether because it interfered with their training. Beyond that, I have students who trained and were pulled out of depression, learned how to control their anger and of course were able to defend themselves in a dangerous situation.

I hope that answered your questions. Feel free to contact me with any more questions, and good luck.


Eilon Even-Esh is the founder and head instructor of Shomer360, an organization whose mission is “to instill strength and confidence through world class self-defense within a Torah observant framework.” To contact him, please call 917-376-3637, visit www.shomer360.com or email eevenesh@shomer360.com.

Dr. Carlos Carbonera

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, September 2nd, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael,

I sit on the floor with the other women, and my friends sit near me while we mourn. I forget to not say “Hi” to someone that I know as she walks by me. I wear the proper clothing, and – most of the time – only say the proper things. I talk to Hashem all day, and most of the night, because I am of the age of “no sleeping” or “trying to sleep.” I sit in shul and watch the young couples with their children, families with their zaydies and bubbies and think, “That will never be me.”

I am a baalas teshuvah and never realized that “coming back” would be so hard. Dedication to Hashem is easy compared to the emotional baggage I struggle to carry each day. Many FFB (frum from birth) women look past me as if I don’t exist. They purposely look down and away if I try to smile in their direction. I long to say, “Why do you sit on the floor, if I have become Bar Kamtza in your eyes?”

We are told that baalei teshuvah stand on a higher level than talmidei chachamim. If that is true, how can frum people read this with their eyes, yet shun me as if I am an insect?

I will never go back, no matter how hard it is, but I would like to send a message to those who may recognize themselves from my description: I am here to stay. Please do not teach your children through your actions that I am beneath you. You hurt me and when you do that, you hurt yourself. We are Klal Yisroel.

Anonymous in NY


Dear Anonymous,

I find it painful to read your story, but I thank you for having the courage to show us how hurtful people’s actions can be! I hope, as you said, people will recognize their behavior and open their eyes to what they are doing.

Unfortunately, there are others besides you who suffer from either being ignored or from nosy and painful questions. I am speaking, of course, about couples who struggle with infertility and older singles. It doesn’t matter if they are baalei teshuvah or FFBs, the suffering is the same.

Whatever the reason, pain is pain and ignoring someone is sinas chinam, the reason the second Bais HaMikdash was destroyed and the reason why we are still in galus. Ahavas Yisrael is what will bring the geulah and I hope that reading your letter will help people find a greater sensitivity in the way they treat others.

As to your current situation, this may sound extreme, but have you considered moving? There are many warm and friendly frum neighborhoods where people are accepting of others and you can feel at home. Perhaps you can contact me privately and I can be of some help in this area.

Dear Readers, Has this ever happened to any of you? What are your thoughts on this type of behavior? Any ideas on what you feel we can do to ameliorate this situation? We would love to hear from you.



Dear Dr. Yael,

I read your column every week and appreciate that as a frum therapist you incorporate Torah-true hashkafa in your therapy. That is why I took exception to the letter you published from the woman who had found mistakes in the kesuva from her first marriage. She urged you to ask readers to check their kesuvos after a rav advised her that it was possible that her failed marriage resulted from the mistake-laden kesuva.

Let’s put aside for the moment if this truly causes marital rift. Surely, you will concede that some marriages with 100% kosher kesuvos suffer, while others with no kesuva thrive. I know that as a therapist you recognize that people have a tendency to look for the easy way out and blame others rather than look within themselves for the cause of relationship problems. And frum people like to look to the nistar, kabbala, and the mystical when they can’t rationally understand why they are suffering, whether it be illness, lack of parnassah, shidduchim problems or family strife.

And, although you did not expressly endorse her theory, your publishing the letter and using it to remind your readers to check their kesuvos is a tacit endorsement of her proposal. As a therapist, I submit that is not your job or the right use of your platform. I believe your column should be used to dispense therapeutic advice and you should leave the non-therapeutic and non-scientific “why me’s” to rabbanim.

All the best,



Dear M.C.,

Perhaps you are correct that this was not the right forum for the letter; however, it just might help someone else in a similar situation.

As noted many times in this column, marriage is work and couples must be willing to put in the time if they want their relationships to be happy and successful. And, of course, professional help is something we always recommend.

However, I appreciated the writer’s sentiment and have learned to respect other people’s opinions and ideas. Hatzlocha.

Dr. Yael Respler

Dear Dr. Yael

Friday, August 26th, 2016

Dear Dr. Yael,

I read your July 22 letter from the husband who was separated from his wife and family and hoping to reunite with them. He said that with the help of his therapist he had made changes.

I debated whether or not to write to you as our family, baruch Hashem, was able to reunite. When my husband and I separated it was very difficult for our children; they love their father very much and begged me to let him come back home. We went for therapy many years ago and today people refer to us as a couple with a very good marriage. As a matter of fact, most people do not even know that we were ever separated.

Without going into specifics, I can say that both my husband and I really worked hard and made changes. I don’t know anything about the couple in the letter, but I do know that with a commitment from both parties, a happy marriage is possible.

We have been blessed with more children since we got back together, and today one of our children is happily married. I don’t know if that would have happened had we not set the right example for them.

I hope this couple finds their way back to each other and to their family.

A Reader


Dear Reader,

Thank you for your letter. During my years as a marital therapist, I have been privileged to work with many couples who separated and, baruch Hashem, reunited happily. As you said, it takes a lot of work, but ultimately the children and the couple are happier. Divorce may seem like an easy solution; however, it brings with it a whole host of other issues. I wonder sometimes if we would have more happy endings if more people would be willing to put in the effort.

Of course, every situation needs to be evaluated and sometimes divorce is the answer. However, many of us let things fester instead of dealing with issues when they crop up and before severe damage is done. Once couples have caused each other a tremendous amount of pain, it is much more difficult to repair the relationship, though not impossible.

Dear readers, even if you think divorce is your only option, please seek help from a professional who has a good track record of saving marriages. Once you and your spouse begin to treat each other with love and respect, you will most likely recover some of the love you had for each other. With time, you will hopefully want to stay married and continue to work on building a strong and healthy relationship. Of course, this will take a lot of emotional work, but the dividends are well worth the challenge!

Shlomo HaMelech teaches us that kemayim hapanim lapanim ken lev haadam l’adam – the way in which we treat another is the way he or she will treat us. In most cases (not in cases where a spouse is abusive or mentally ill), how you treat your spouse is how you will be treated. Thus, if you are complimenting your spouse and treating him or her with love and respect, your spouse will likely treat you in kind.  On the other hand, if you are generally cranky when your spouse comes home (or when you come home) or you speak disrespectfully to him or her, you will be treated the same way. We are all entitled to an “off day,” but our general attitude should be positive and we should always consider what we can do to make our spouse happy.

If both halves of a couple act this way, their marriage will be beautiful and enjoyable! If only one person is acting this way, it can cause some resentment. In that situation, it’s important to communicate your needs to your spouse in a loving and caring way. You can do this by saying something like, “I really appreciate how hard you work and I love you very much. I believe that I try to do the things I think will make you happy, but sometimes I feel like you don’t take my feelings into account. Do you think that you can try to be more sensitive to my needs and help me with ______?” It’s important that you have this conversation when both of you are in a good moods and not hungry or tired.

People think marriage is easy and that when it’s not, it’s because they married the wrong person. However, more often than not, that is not the case. Being married means putting someone else’s needs before your own, even when you don’t want to. It means being calm even when you feel yourself getting upset and speaking in a loving tone even when you want to scream!

Thank you for sharing your story and for showing us that many marriages can be saved. Enjoy your nachas. You deserve it! Hatzlocha!

Dr. Yael Respler

Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/marriage-relationships/dear-dr-yael-85/2016/08/26/

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