Dear Mrs. Bluth,
I am so miserable and alone, and feel that no one understands the gut-wrenching pain I am going through. I have been told that you respond to all those who reach out to you, so…
It’s not that I am a victim of any kind of abuse or being ostracized by my family or community, nothing of the sort. My life, at face value, is almost enviable. What I am going through, I have come to understand, stems from my broken heart and tormented mind and is a completely insular malady, one which is slowly killing me.
I am married to a wonderful man for the past thirteen years and we have, Baruch Hashem, five beautiful children. We are not wealthy in the monetary sense; frugally comfortable would be a better description.
So, what could I possibly be lacking? What could be causing such a great hole to form in the fabric of this picturesque description? Without meaning to be kafuy tov to Hakodosh Baruch Hu for all His blessings, I cannot get passed the one blessing He has not only withheld from me, but actually ripped away from me – the one thing I have dreamed about and davened for.
You see all of my children are boys, each one healthy, beautiful and perfect. The first two were twins and, although, I was extremely happy and busy with them, I wanted a girl in the worst way – both my husband and I have only brothers. Each consecutive birth of a boy dashed my hopes. When my youngest son was born four years ago, I was treated for post-partum depression and, though everyone assumed I had overcome it, I felt the deep sadness I had before intensify. No one noticed because I covered it well, but I knew. Then, a year ago I found myself pregnant yet again and I dreaded it. For nine months I prayed constantly that this child be the daughter I longed for. And she was. I was beside myself with joy.
We brought her home and, floating on imaginary wings, I spent the first few weeks of her life cradling her to my heart. I will never know that joy again, because suddenly she was gone. We were told she died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), but no explanation could erase the shroud of blackness and bitterness that enveloped me. I felt that I had died as well, even wished it to be true, but did not reveal my thoughts to anyone. It is now four months since her passing and I feel myself slipping away and unable to deal with the daily torment. I have dark thoughts, not of harming anyone else, but of wanting to join her. I love my husband and my sons, they are the only ones that keep me walking a straight line, but the desire to be with my baby daughter is beginning to overwhelm me. Am I losing my mind and going crazy?
No, you are not going crazy, but you are in the midst of a depression that has sapped your strength and your will. You have suffered a terrible loss and you are bitter at what has been “ripped away” from you. It may surprise you to learn that you are not alone in your grief. Many women have suffered such loss, myself included, so I genuinely feel the pain in your heart. I know, too, that this will offer you little comfort because you cannot see past the pain without help. You have harbored this disappointment and sadness for a very long time and it has become like a vortex, pulling you down ever deeper into its bottomless depths, so much so, that you can no longer see the love and comfort that can pull you up. But it’s not too late for you to return to health of mind, spirit and soul.
Children are a gift on loan to us by Hakadosh Baruch Hu, they are not an entitlement guaranteed to every parent. When we marry, we hope and pray that Hashem will deem us worthy to be healthy parents to healthy children, but this is not in our control. Hashem’s plans are beyond human understanding and we cannot know how He determines which parents will be blessed with souls for a short time. I say blessed because only the most special people are chosen to parent these little ones for however long their stay on this earth may be.
Dearest friend, you have a loving husband and five beautiful little boys who love you and need you as much as you do them. In time, and with the help of a caring therapist, you will come to see how truly fortunate you are, but right now you are too blinded by grief.
For a moment in time, Hashem granted you the gift of loving and cuddling a baby daughter. He knew you would be that special nurturing and adoring mother the little soul needed in order to complete her journey. And when her task was completed, He took her home and will keep her there until Moshiach comes and you are reunited.
You must find the will to wait, to live and to get healthy for the little ones who love you and miss your attention. You are in need of the guidance of trained mental health professionals who will help you find your way back up to the sunlight where you can see and feel more clearly Hashem’s love for His children and all the blessings that He has given to you.
It will take time. But you are a special woman who was hand-picked to do a special task. I know that you will rise up because you are one of the specially chosen parents to whom Hashem has entrusted one of His most precious souls. I am here for you. Please call.Rachel Bluth